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I am safely in my country of origin.... My husband is in our home country in rehab.
The last week has been horrible. We packed up the whole appartment - me and my mother. My son was beside himself. It was so hard for him, every time he woke up there was less in the house and more mess. It's been horrible week, rushing to pack everything, throwing out boxes and boxes of stuff. Then my husband called from rehab and said I could bring our son to him for a visit. There has been some mix up and he was expecting us the next day. I wanted my son to see him - and with all this trepidation we went to visit. The place is great and my son was happy to see him.
During this whole period my mother behaved in a way that seemed really insensitive. She was super helpful with the actual physical packing and what not, and I am so grateful for that, but she just didn't even seem to notice that it was a horrible experience of grieving for me... she just sort of rushed around chattering away. I am sure she is trying to cope with it as well... but I just want someone to be there for me and to think of me.
Since we arrived back here, my mum and my dad who are divorced, have already been hanging out together. It's too weird for me...
I feel profoundly homeless. I feel like I have no family of my own with my husband in rehab and no place to call our own. I have come to really dislike many aspects of the country we are living in and I want to return to my country of origin when I finish grad school - or I thought I did. But... now that I am here again, and with the family I have been missing so much, I feel like I have no home here either. I feel like my parents don't get me on a fundamental level, like they are not open to having a real relationship, even if they tried. My mother revealed to me that her dad was an alcoholic... my father himself is likely an alcoholic.... they are deeply unhealthy...
I feel like I don't have a home and I don't belong. The culture in the country I usually live in is foreign. But now that I have come back I feel like it's foreign here too.
I miss having my husband to talk these things out with.
I have realised since he left that there is something he really did do and that's he always listened to me with unconditional positive regard. He always communicated to me that I was good enough...part of this is positive - because he had been in recovery before and had a bigger tool kit than me.... but it was also because I guess he looked up to me as the adult who had her s***t together. And I guess with him around it was easy for me to ignore how little I actually have it together....but I still miss him and I miss having someone to share with and receive unconditional love.
In good news, I have a meeting tomorrow. I am hoping to start going to regular meetings and also to find a sponsor here.
Thanks for listening all.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 22nd of January 2018 07:17:30 AM
((Annie)) What you have just experienced is indeed challenging. At a time such as this, feeling out of place is natural. Do remember that "feelings are not facts" and that you are not alone, as you have the support of a worldwide fellowship and a Power Greater than yourself .
So happy to read that you have a meeting to attend ard are planning to search for a sponsor. Keep showing up for yourself and more will unfold.
Remember people are not mind readers so that we need to learn to "ask for what we need. It works
I Can really relate to the everywhere feeling foreign and nowhere feeling like home. For me, I think it is because I never really felt that I fit in anyway, not with my family, not with my peers in grade school, not at college. The place of belonging that I found was being the "other" - When I was living in Germany, I was the American, and I fit in that way. When I was in my country of origin, I was the "one who lived in Germany" and this otherness was something I could name and embrace. When I think about it, I haven't really fit in, nor do I want to fit in with my family or community, but I did find a home for myself in the "otherness" that I felt living between and among cultures. I didn't have to worry about how I didn't fit in if decided that my home was a mix of cultures and experiences. It is an odd feeling, loving where I am and wishing I were somewhere else at the same time. Or hating aspects of where I am, and disliking aspects of the place I think I'd rather be. I found as well that when I was unhappy about my relationship or something going on in my life, it was easier to focus on where I was as being the problem instead of whatever was really going on. I Don't know if I'm expressing this well, or if it is at all helpful to you. Your comment about belonging really resonated with me, so I thought I'd share my own experience and journey.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
(((Annie))) - I too send you tons of positive energy and support....I am sorry that you're feeling displaced - it's a yucky feeling. I am hopeful you can just focus on self, one day at a time, and keeping things simple. While we often look around, and feel out of sorts, it helps me to remember that this too shall pass. I tend to deal better when I just focus on this day or this moment, and realize that I am safe for the here and now.
Take good care and be gentle with you. I also will say that simple tools like gratitude lists really help me when I feel lost/forgotten. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It sounds to me like you are in shock, which is completely normal given the circumstances. I hope that you are taking care you and realize that NOW is the time to be gentle with yourself. With shock comes grief and everything that goes with processing grief. Now is the reality of the choices you made and that's hard to look at give yourself time.
I'm glad you have your mom and dad with you even if it "feels" weird at the moment sometimes crisis brings out the best in everyone and I hope for you and your family that is the case.
Sending prayers, support and positive energy your direction. You are not alone and things will even out .. time takes time.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Sending you hugs, Annie.
I have no ESH on this subject, but I can hear the pain in your words. Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Sending you hugs and prayers. From what I've read that you wrote, I have a feeling that you have it more "together" then you think you do. You are definitely showing your courage!
It takes time to make a new home. There are friends and others out there who will listen to you in the right way too - few of us find them in our families of origin, but the good news is that they are out there. It will take some time to settle in and to get your bearings, and that's natural. It doesn't mean that it can't happen. And gradually you will begin to make connections. Is there an Al-Anon meeting or two near you? Those might be a place where some non-judgmental people can be found. Hang in there.
Hi, ((((Annie)))), positive thoughts your way. I remember I felt pretty lost and very confused when I moved away from my ex-abf back to my home town last year, and that was the same small country, the distance very small, so I can only imagine how hard this change must be for you, along with everything else... Be gentle with yourself, you deserve it, and give yourself some time... Keep coming back :)
It must be incredibly disappointing to be separated as you are
Rehab is very very hard on the ones who are left behind. I think it is pretty normal to feel abandoned and a lone
I can very much relate to the whole lack.of support issue. .
I feel that keenly all the time. .
I hope you will be able to see d simetimne reading. There are lots of threads here on this site that are worth reading. The more you can use the tools of an anon the better
