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Hi, I've just re-read several posts as I realised they had 'stirred up some old stuff' for me. It's about separation/divorce/babies. I don't know if it is appropriate to use this forum for this purpose or whether I should've journalled it. I haven't got a sponsor at the moment as she left the program and others I approached declined for reasons of their own. I'm telling myself it isn't personal but I do feel a little fragile. I know today I'm only 'as sick as my secrets' and unprocessed emotions. It seems important that I 'put it out there'.
I separated from my A in 1999 when I could take no more of his addictions and the damage it had done to our lives. We had never separated/had a break before, except for one week when I was 16! I met my A at 14/15 we courted for 6years, were engaged for 4 and married for 5. I was not in any hurry to marry him as I felt our relationship was quite stable, happy and committed. I believe in 'the sanctity of marriage' and have some very 'traditional' views on marriage and family even though most of my family had divorced. My A was sceptical of marriage as his mum and dad had divorced when he was about 4years old and it affected him very badly. However, all of his extended family had long-standing, successful marriages. I had always felt my A was like a wild bird; as long as he felt free he would choose to stay but if I clipped his wings he would feel trapped and die (spiritually) pining for his freedom.
I didn't want to have children too young. I wanted the opportunity to live a life and achieve personal goals before I dedicated the rest of it to my children. My mum was pregnant at 16 and though she never once regretted it, I could see how it had shaped her future, she became a wife and mother and lost her personal identity over the years. I believe I may have miscarried at 19 but it was an unexpected pregnancy (as I've always used contraception) and had not been confirmed so I wasn't overly traumatised by it. I just thought at the time God knew I wasn't ready. I was extremely underweight and suspect I would have had difficulties if I had carried my baby to full term. I got engaged on my 21st birthday and around that time became very sick. It took a few years to get a diagnosis and eventually I was told I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Not much was known about it then so I degenerated to the point of being bed/housebound. Over the next couple of years I gradually got a little better.
I married at 25 weighing 6stone 10lbs. My big ambition was to walk down the aisle and not be carried. I refused to go in a wheelchair, decorated or not! lol On reflection, I believe my partner had started drinking the year before we got married. After a couple more years, my A initiated another discussion on the family issue. He told me the same as always; that he didn't feel strongly one way or the other about having children, he was afraid that he may not make a very good parent as he didn't know what a dad was meant to be or do but that he was willing to try and that if he had children it would only ever be with me. I was a bit stronger physically but not sure if I was capable of looking after a child, I consulted with my doctor and he advised that it was fine as long as I had a strong support network. I didn't really and was not prepared to rely on the few I had for my babies wellbeing. I gave it more thought and also decided that I didn't want to have a child that may end up feeling obliged to take care of me as my health was still so uncertain. The 'clinche' was that I instinctively sensed something was wrong/insecure about our marriage though I didn't know what. My husband drank away from home and didn't come back until he was relatively functional. The last year of our marriage he was unable to hide his addiction and I felt it progressed rapidly and that I had been to H*** and back that year.
We separated when I was 30 (Aug 99). It was such a heart-breaking decision for me. In my mind it was final, if I had felt there was any hope at all I would not have walked away from my marriage. A part of me wished it would 'bring him to his senses' but I didn't believe it would. I had set a mental boundary for myself that if nothing had changed for the better within two years then I would divorce him. I also felt he should be the one to divorce me as in my opinion, he was the one who wrecked our marriage but I knew he couldn't be trusted to do it and I resented that.
I found Al-anon through the grace of God in Oct 2000 and began my process of healing. Sadly, my A 'allegedly' got another woman pregnant in this month. I say 'allegedly' as she has since refused to have a paternity-test done. This 'forced my hand' as I was not prepared to live with the knowledge that another woman's child was being born into my marriage, broken or not. I wasn't bothered unduly by the fact they had slept together as I believed we were legally separated so I didn't see it as infidelity. I was devastated by the pregnancy though. When my A told me, I collapsed! I talked it through with other Al-anons but wasn't told until after I'd initiated the divorce about not making any major decisions in the 1st 6months/year of recovery.
I initiated divorce Jan2 2001 after a particularly horrendous Christmas. My A was obviously coping badly with the pregnancy as well. I think the divorce 'tipped him' and he seriously degenerated. It was finalised May 30th and he has said since that seeing his behaviour 'in black and white' pushed him over the edge but ultimately precipitated 'his bottom'. I stopped all contact with him around Aug 01.
Some months later we resumed contact. My boundary was that as long as he had not been drinking I would talk with him. He pushed this boundary but I held firm and eventually we had a few uninebriated conversations. He recognised huge changes in me. I told him it was because of Al-anon. Somewhere in all this he tried AA once but went straight back out. In June 2002, he tried again and stayed. His 1st year he had intermittent sobriety. During this time I had agreed to attempt a reconciliation, Al-anon told me 'I could be happy whether the alcoholic was still drinking or not' but I told him I would not recommit to the relationship until he had a years sobriety. I was unwilling to live with active alcoholism again but knew his recovery had to be for himself and I had no idea as to whether it would work out or not.
I now have 5yrs 6months Al-anon and he has 2yrs 6months clean and sober. We are reconciled and recommitted. I'm truly grateful for the miracles that have been worked in our lives and for what recovery we do have but today I feel soooo sad. I thought I had processed my feelings around these issues but feel I need to do more work on them. I did have counselling but after 20sessions my therapist told me 'our work here is done'.
I recognised from my sadness in reading others posts that I am still grieving the loss of our marriage and as I'm now 37 (and still not well enough to raise a child) the loss of my unborn babies. I had issues around my A choosing to have no active involvement with raising the child he brought into this world, which related to issues from my childhood regarding my own father. I had to respect my A's desire to put his recovery 1st and acknowleged that without recovery he had very little to offer this child anyway. He has always offered to financially support the baby but as the mother still refuses a paternity-test he is unable to do much about it. It transpires that the mother is probably also an alcoholic and she crops up in our life periodically saying one thing, turning our life upside-down while we try to work out the right thing to do and then changing her mind. So, more issues for me knowing I am leaving that child in a potentially damaging environment. My A believes the mother has very respectable and supportive parents and hopes the child is protected and safe. It's not actually my business so I give that one over to God. The real irony, the child was a little girl, conceived the month I found Al-anon and her mother named her.... Lois!
Please pray for me while I re-work through my pain and grief and I hope my story may help another. I'm sorry it's so long but it's all out there now and I feel better than I did when I started typing. Any suggestions on how I can 'look back at the past without staring' and make this a constructive, positive experience would be gratefully received.
Maria--what a post!! Bless your heart you have gone through so much! I am sorry for your pain then and now! Some days it is hard to "give up" that pain. I just try to remember good things and positives, and pray that I will be able to deal with the memories and find a way to move on when I get bogged down by "if only" and "why did I" thoughts. Those are the hardest things for me.
I do have children, but wasn't ready to not have anymore, but I believe my HP has other plans. This has been hard for me to accept. Sometimes it is so hard to understand where he is going with our lives and when what we thought would happen in our lives and what does happen to match up it really leaves us questioning. (Or at least I do!!!)
I hope you can find peace. I wish you comfort and joy!
Thank you so much for your post! I found al-anon 1 yr and 7 months ago. My AH filed for divorce shortly after. Since he has tried (without success) to take our daughter away from me! I finally had to agree on joint custody to stop the legal balttles. So today I am very sad. Not only because she goes to stay with him for 4 days straight. This is very hard for me and it has been a year already. I cry everytime she goes. Sometimes I cannot breathe because the pain in my heart is so bad. I am also grieving my biological time clock. I had a 1 year window of opportunity to have another child. Which I wanted very badly. Divorce was not on my agenda. I would have stayed with my AH just to be able to be there for our daughter. She is 4 now and also grieves...she cries because she misses her old life. The one where she had 2 parents and we were more financially secure.
So even though I have one child. I can totally understand how you feel. I became a mother at 41. I had years of feeling deprived. Don't get me wrong...I do thank HP everyday for my daughter. However...I think I will always feel the ache in my heart for the one I did not get to have. I think it is normal. I have spoken to other women who feel the same way.
Thanks for your share. It is ok to tell a long story if it helps you work it out and adds to your understanding. It seems that some of the things you wrote about are those that only your HP can explain. I too did not have divorce in my vocabulary. I married for life but my husband did not. His family walks out and my family stays married. But joy goes with pain and happiness goes with sadness.
Thank you so much for your wonderfully supportive and reassuring replies. I do feel a lot better today and I know that 'this too shall pass'. I am so grateful to Al-Anon and all the beautiful people in it who are there for me when I am unable to be there for myself. I love you all in that very special way. I am indeed so very fortunate to have been given my husband back in his sobriety and that we've been blessed with the opportunity of a happy future.
I try not to dwell on the past and am aware how damaging 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' can be. I think it is healthy and necessary to grieve our losses and I'm trying not to beat myself up for being human. I think that's why I needed to post. I was confused because I thought I had already processed these issues to a point where I was comfortable and there I was with those emotions churning round again. I felt insecure wondering whether the recovery i do have is just 'gloss', talking the talk not walking the walk.
I realise today that it is quite 'normal' for our old thoughts/behaviours/feelings to resurface periodically and that maybe I have more lessons to learn. I also feel that I processed those issues as well as I could at the time but now I'm stronger and maybe my HP is giving me the opportunity of looking back to get a deeper understanding or a greater level of acceptance and forgiveness. I really do believe that everything happens for a reason and it's all a part of HPs grand design. I may not see the bigger picture but I trust in my HP. I believe 'what doesn't kill you, can make you stronger' and I'm still here...growing and learning.
I will try to focus on the positives and look to a brighter future while not denying the pain or undervaluing the experiences of my past. I thank you all for your prayers and support.
