The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have heard over and over that what we don't like in about someone else can be a trait we may ourselves have that bothers us.
Well, my "A" has had some really poor choices of friends. What bothers me so much, is that they are takers, and he is their giver. And it pisses me off when he is doing that. Hmmmmm, I am a giver and I do my giving to takers. He does things for them that they can easily do themselves, sound familiar again. And sometimes he gives what he really doesn't have to give, three for three so far with me. He spends his time running around doing for them and neglecting his recovery, and his family..... Well neglecting recovery I am guilty of, and self neglect as well, but not my family.
I thought about this on the way to work. This morning when I got up to go to the gym (5:00am) I got into a car that we have on loan to us until May, and started it, the gas gage was below E, I got hot. He lent his friends the car (the owner is okay with this as well on a very limited basis) last night and they returned it with no gas. This is the second time in 4 days they have done this. So before going to the gym, I go put some gas in the car. My anger helped me to have one of the best work outs ever. And I felt better when I left the gym. On the way to work I really got to thinking about why I don't like his friends, and why his relationship with them really bothers me.
Could it be that they can't go 10 minutes without knocking on the door? Could it be that they knock on the door at 10:30pm to borrow a movie when they know we get up at 5am? There is alot of stuff like that that really bothers me, like they are active addicts and alcoholics.
I also thought of some of his friends that I adore. One in paticular comes to mind. Now this guy asks for help sometimes, but he also is their if we need him. When he found out my "A" was in jail this last time, he called me from out of state to ask me if I needed anything and if the kids and I were alright. I told my "A" this and he said, yeah you say anything and you will have a phone tree like you wouldn't believe on your side. ------ Now that is a balanced give and take relationship to me. One helping out the other, and the one who helps isn't getting screwed in the process. (Oh yeah hmmmmmmm, this friend also has 7 years clean ans sober)
Now I know that since my "A" is active, he really doens't have boundaries. And that he is just as at fault as they are by helping and giving. I speak up every once in a while, because he can't see them for what they are, but he isn't ready to either.
Thanks all, I just had to get this all out.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
What a great post! I love it when 'the penny drops' and we begin to apply what we've learnt in our daily lives. Progress not perfection... thank God for that!
My A is giver. It seems he just eats up the adulation when he helps people and is so polite. Something about self esteem. But that is taking his inventory. I work with a taker and it borders abusive. I have to set really strong boundaries. Good for you for going to the gym and taking care of yourself. I use the gym alot to let off steam.
Good to see your post today. My "a" has these types of friends as well. They are friends he's known for years. There is drinking buddies, they play music together, blah blah blah. He realizes they are not reliable friends. He knows they don't really care about his sobriety or his marriage. When we were separated they just hung out with him without any questions. Interestingly enough when he told them we were reconciling two friends stood up and said "Hey I think that's great, keep your family together." These are the two that don't have addictions per se, but they drink occassionally. They are the ones that have agreed to be designated drivers and put my "a" in a cab if he can't drive home one night. He respects these friends more as well because he sees they care and they have boundaries. The other's the crap all over each other.
We have even asked him why do you continue hanging around these people when they talk behind your back, never envite you out with them, and never come to our family stuff either? He doesn't have an answer. They are the people he calls when he wants to drink or get high, they provide the booze or pot and he gets his needs met. Misery loves company I guess.
I also read in Codependent no more that "a's" tend to have codependent issues as well, and often after sobriety the codependent tendencies come out more. My a shares some of these tendencies, but mostly is self-centered. I know when sobriety comes around again, he won't be hanging with these people, HP may reach him about his relationships.
Take care,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I've run the same reflections thought through my mind: "... what we don't like about someone else can be a trait we may ourselves have that bothers us." I think it is a great topic -- thanks.
I've found that by challenging myself in that way, it can be very humbling and insightful for me.
I've also found that sometimes it is not a reflection. Sometimes other people have behavior that is offensive -- and interestingly many of these folks are very clear before I say anything that I don't get to tell them what to do (though the other way around is OK to them, apparently) and so I floundered when I was younger as I tried to look at me but kept getting figuratively beat up by others. It took me awhile to figure out the concept of boundaries since I wasn't raised with any clear boundaries, but finally I figured out that I can set boundaries, and pay attention re who respects the boundaries and who doesn't.
I don't know if anyone else has run into this one, but I also have run into some folks who have projected their own bad behavior on to me. And it used to be, there I sat trying to figure it out, trying to look at myself because I did not want to do the things they were saying I was doing. For a while there I was so confused because I really did not think I was doing the things I was being accused of, and then I was concerned that I was in denial. At some point the one person who was a master at this went too far and accused me of certain medical conditions that I have never had, but that he's had for as long as I've known him. Then it all fell into place and made sense.
I still challenge myself when I have that feeling that irritating behavior might be a reflection. And if I don't think it is I trust myself and figure out what, if anything, I need to do to take care of me. I'm still learning ...it's a process. That's why it's called being in recovery, huh?!
Your post really made me think about my husband's friends. I don't care for them, but I don't have to be around them. My husband told me yesterday that one of the guys I thought was a mutual friend of ours has been seeling my husband crack for almost a year. That hurt me so much. He is willing to put up with their "taking" and various other bad behavior because they use with him, keep him company and know his secrets.
