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We were supposed to have broken up. We live in the same duplex we own (separate sides). He has continued to request my presence and 'other things', nightly, once he is drunk. I have acquiesced. I already caught him in the act with a woman 2 weeks ago. At first my reaction was that I would NEVER see him again - I felt hurt - but great at the opportunity to finally say NO - THIS IS IT after 11 long years of drunken abuse and lies, etc. He persisted in trying to contact me and convinced me that he felt so bad (but I'm sure more of being caught). He said that it was something he 'needed' to do - that he is still in love with me. I decided to try to spend a week giving him everything he says he has ever wanted from me, but each day I check and he is spending time on that line, trying to find new women. I feel duped! I had felt SO good that I had an opportunity to take my power back in the first place, and I blew it.
Last night, he called me and said it would be a sober night for him (he always tries to stop drinking for a night or so, but that's as far as it gets). Therefore, he says, he 'won't bother' me tonight. Right - so when he's sober, he wants to be alone. I decide that this is an opportunity to talk to him WHEN HE IS SOBER. I confront him about him still going on chat lines and trying to meet other women and he says he's just not sure what HE wants yet! Okay - so he thinks he's in the driver's seat and gets to make a choice - ummm NOT! I told him that the past week was an experiment on MY part to see if he really felt sorry about what he'd done, and that I was in the driver's seat and it was MY choice, and that my choice was that HE'D blown it and didn't deserve to be in MY life anymore and that was it! I left.
I wanted to put block caller on my phone, because I thought it would make me feel that this would be final, yet I do still need to talk with him about house business, etc. It's just that he has this way of sucking me back into the groove and I don't want to go there anymore. He called several times tonight and I did finally answer. He says 'are you mad about something' - and I said 'you know it's gone way past that'. He seemed cool and talked a little business and hung up.
I don't feel as strong as I did the first time I decided that this was it, because I feel that is when I should have held my ground. This time, he seems as though it's not as much of a big deal either, and hasn't been begging for forgiveness or anything. It's like I allowed that to happen and caved in with his persistence, and now I'm just the loser again.
My question here is: I don't want him in my life any longer, yet I don't know how I'll react if he doesn't try to con me back in. I don't want to be conned back in, yet if I'm not I'll know that he's found a new path, and I'll have to proceed on my own. I want to proceed on my own, but it's so difficult, when you're waiting for that con back in, and at the same time you don't want it! I know this sounds confusing, but hopefully someone can relate! I just wanna be strong and stay strong and have the courage of my convictions!
My question here is: I don't want him in my life any longer, yet I don't know how I'll react if he doesn't try to con me back in. I don't want to be conned back in, yet if I'm not I'll know that he's found a new path, and I'll have to proceed on my own. I want to proceed on my own, but it's so difficult, when you're waiting for that con back in, and at the same time you don't want it! I know this sounds confusing, but hopefully someone can relate! I just wanna be strong and stay strong and have the courage of my convictions!
It's confusing alright but I've been there. Only you put it into words better than I ever could. Everything takes time. It took time to become dependant on being conned it will take time to adjust to seeing the con for what it is and then more time accepting that you don't want it anymore. I really understand the frustration you are feeling not only with his actions but with yourself too. Just don't forget you are doing the best you can and you deserve patience and forgiveness from yourself. This program (and life IMHO) is about practice not perfection. As I start to feel stronger I am getting more excited about my path in life, even at the times it seems it may not follow my husband's. The words and momentary intimacy that used to give me a rush of hope no longer do, at times they are replusive now. I can relate to that and to the wish to stay strong and to have courage. I've come to rely on knowing my HP has me exactly where I am supposed to be at any given time.
I was reading something in Getting Them Sober today and what Toby says is very scary, but true. She said that we are afraid of "being rejected by a reject." Some of us don't want to be with or can't be with their addicts anymore, but we don't want to feel as if this diseased loser is the one who chose to end it all. I mean, what kind of failure must I be to have been thrown aside by a person such as him? What if he finds someone else and she puts up with his crap and he cleans himself up and they live happily ever after? What if they live the life he was supposed to live with me? What if he becomes the husband to her that I deserved to have? What if he gets sicker and dies? Maybe I could have prevented that crisis just as I have prevented others.
This is OUR sickness talking. We make promises and fully mean them when they say them, but our disease takes over. Just what the addict/alcoholic goes through. We set goals for ourselves and then we are angry, depressed, scared when we can't reach those goals. We are aiming for progress. Progress to me means making mistakes and learning from them. Progress, not perfection. Sometimes I have to go through the same lesson many times before I "get it."
Be easy on yourself. You are doing great. I think that what you are feeling is completely normal. We want to feel like we are the ones with the power to decide our futures. We hate feeling like we are waiting on them to decide. Why should someone else decide our future or our happiness. You are special. You are loved. You are intelligent. You are beautiful. You are fun. You DESERVE better. We love you and are here to tell you just how valuable you are when you start having these thoughts.
I don't feel as strong as I did the first time I decided that this was it
One thing I have learned in alanon was to make sure we don't say something unless we mean it and stick to it.
He is not freaking out becuz he knows you don't mean it. There is no reason to con you, he knows you won't do it.
Boy do I relate. I would send him away. I would be sorry I did. But at the time I was so mad. I would be so sure and not ten min after he was gone I would be falling apart.
For me, if A cheated like that, I would NEVER go back to him. So maybe for your A, he sees how you will allow him to treat you so disrespectfully, as to sleep with other women and you will still be with him.
I finally got so mad becuz of how A treats my son. He is his bio father. His disease may treat me like an ass,but no way is her going to be awful to my son.I had him leave long enough though once and finally got to breath and realize I was so much better off with out the disease tearing me apart.
I got stronger. Got more tools from alanon. Then allowed him to be here some. Was ok, and nice sometimes. But when the disease was abusive again, out he went. I won't allow him in my home anymore. Not at all.
Maybe you are not ready to get out of this. I have seen it takes some of us many times before we can really separate from the A. All I know is I am so so glad I finally stuck to it, went thru the horrible pain and grew to where I am ok with out him. But I too had him come back and go several times before I completely let go.
Becuz hon if you think this is bad, remember it gets worse and worse when they continue to use. They will get more evil in ways we don't even think about.
Keep coming here, you are doing awesome work. love,debilyn
Yes it is confusing and yet you express it really well. I don't think any of us can truly break away until we are ready. There is always that horrible , what if? in our minds. What if this time they really mean it. What if they really stay away and yes find someone else and hurt themsleves, or worse yet, sober up and find happiness. Do I want to be the loser, the one that drunk that drunk left.
There are no winners with alcoholism, not unless we break free from its hold. If we keep going round and round, the A is the loser, we are the loser, only the booze wins.
Here we can learn to be strong, to care for ourslelves and to realize that what ifs don't mean anything. I think that is where trusting ourslves and trusting our HP comes in. That Hp will show us if it is right. That if the A is seriouse they will get sober, no matter what we do. And they will also stay drunk no matter what we do.
I've gotten sucked back in more times than I can even count. Each time I say this is the last time. This time I'm not saying it is the last time. I am admitting that I am human and am not really sure what I want. I'm just sitting back unitl I decide what I want or God shows me which way to go. Hard and frustrating yes, but at least I'm not making myslef promises I don't know I can keep.
My husband calls at the same time every night to talk to our kids. I haven't been willing to speak to him. Last night he told our son that he had to talk to me about something really important. Tonight he called later than usual and the bigger kids where out and the little ones where already in bed, so I let the machine pick up. He left a message that I should call him, it is very important. I'm not getting sucked in this time. He knows where I am all day. He has my cell number, he knows the time of day I am home with just the baby. If it is that important he can try and reach me during the day. Or he can leave a message what he wants on the machine. If it has to wait until after 8 each night, I don't think it can be too important. I'm just going to sit and wait this time.
Hello, HadEnuff, We are so grateful that you are here. Thank you for your honesty. Please take care of yourself. This program is about US, not the A in our lives. That means that no one has a way of sucking us back in - it's up to us to set the boundaries that keep us safe and sane. To do this is simple, but not easy, as we say in the program. I can honestly say that as I've worked the steps and gone to meetings and worked with a sponsor, I have been able to set better boundaries for myself. This takes time. Please be patient with yourself, and keep coming back, it works, if you work it! Your being here helps all of us with our Program, so thanks for sharing. Blessings, mebjk
You are all a blessing to me right now! Thank you - thank you!
You're so right about everything - no I don't want to be dumped by this drunk after all of these years. That seems to bother me more than anything (is that my ego?) But every time I try to 'dump' him, he can't stand it. It drives him crazy when I take some control, and he knows how to play me every time to get me back. He plays little mind games like 'do you love me' and when I say 'well yes I do, but i don't love your disease or the pain it's caused me' and he says again - 'that's not what I asked - I said 'DO YOU LOVE ME'? and I think to myself - well if I really love this guy, how can I separate all the mean things he's done from him and say yes - without basically saying that I love someone who abuses me. It becomes very confusing to me, but I do have a strong sense of self somewhere in here, and I have to say what I really think and feel.
Anyway - it almost seems as though he tries to suck me back, because he wants me to give in. As soon as I do - he starts up the pattern again. HE wants to be the one who makes the decision on where we are going and I want to be able to make the decision on where I am going. As soon as he cons me back, by telling me that he loves me more than anything in the world and other things that always melt my heart, he says 'I don't know if we can ever live together again' but I always want you to be my friend. It's like he wants me to be there - in whatever capacity he wants me to - but he wants also to be able to continue to do whatever he wants. The funniest thing about all of this is that the reason we started living separately is because I told him that he was driving me insane and I couldn't stand it any longer. Somewhere along the line - in his warped thinking - he thought it was a mutual agreement, and that 'we couldn't get along'. He thought that it was irreconcilable differences, and that's what he wanted everyone else to think. 'Oh we're the best of friends - we just couldn't live together! It was not that way at all. We weren't the best of friend. He was an abusive alcoholic who refused to work on himself and I was a beaten down enabler who couldn't stop the co-dependence so I continued to enable.
I DO feel as though I'm just being kept around until he can find a replacement, and that is the most unnerving feeling! I want to be the one who has ended it, before that happens! The mind games drive me insane.
Oh please HP - help me to be able to deal with this! Help me to see that if I get kicked to the curb by my 'A', that it would end up being the best thing that ever happened to me. I could just dust myself off, and be on my way to a better life!
Aloha HadEnuff I feel alot of empathy for you in your situation because I have been there and done that as several of the other family members have shared with you. I didn't know about this disease thingy and didn't know that I didn't know soooo at one time it was all new(s) to me as was the recovery language, beliefs and philosophy such as (from an earlier sponsor) "If you are going to do the What Ifs, then to be fair to yourself and the alcoholic, you gotta do the What If Nots also." Try this one in meditation, "If you want to be strong you gotta surrender, give up, and turn it and yourself over to a Higher Power of your understanding. This one gave me a wakeup call. "What chance does your alcoholic have at sobriety with you always trying to direct and manage their program." I also learned a poem that helped alot; "If you love something, let it go. If it never comes back, it wasn't meant to be. If it does come back, love it forever." There are zillions more of this recovery philosophy, beliefs and practices that was given to me. Most important was "I cannot be hurt without giving my permission and taking part." "Change my behavior and my mind will follow." These and more have become a working part of my life today.
A part of the Serenity Prayer (which is very old) say "... the courage to change the things I can..." Change doesn't so much take brains as it takes courage with faith. Change in this disease where we allow ourselves to be sucked in over and over again wishing for a different outcome (The definition of insanity) is a leap of faith. It is a close your eyes and jump not knowing if your Higher Power is at arms length to catch you if you float too close to the cliff. For some it has been not knowing if a Higher Power even existed. In the end, for me, I closed my eyes and just did what was suggested. I didn't know if I would be okay and I was okay. I wanted change from an impossible situation and I was led to change myself alone. I would have never thought. I was so focused on her and addicted to her that I put my life and everything in it at risk to fulfill my addiction. How insane. I said I loved her and found out that it wasn't love but addiction, just like drinking or using coke. Alcoholics and Addicts know the same friction of trying to drink and use without negative side effects and they never find it and still do more thinking they will. The insanity of the disease is not only for them it is also for us and even worse for us because we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol or drugs to block out reality. We go thru this wide awake and end up accepting a nightmare for a life. (my story)
When you've really had enough you will find yourself not talking about how bad it is. You will find yourself and you will find yourself taking care of yourself and keeping yourself in safe, healthy surroundings.
Keep coming back over and over. Listen, learn and practice, practice, practice. Get a Higher Power and sponsor and trust them both and the program. You will find both yourself and your present situation changed into something you could never imagine.
