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I was sitting here thinking about when I go home later. (Work is such a refuge for me!) I'd really like to hear about some of the tools that we can use on a minute by minute basis when our A is acting out. Just to get through the moment. My main thing right now is again with my son. He starts "barking" at everyone - "shut up!", "you retard", etc... I know it sounds kind of funny like that, or very typical, but his younger sisters are facing a constant barrage of that - it's like Chinese water torture in a way. And then of course I tell him to knock it off (then I become the retard and get told to shut up or whatever..). And usually it escalates from there. I have the obligation to protect the younger children, of course, and he does no physical harm or anything like that, just mean... all the time. So...I was wondering if there were any suggestions or tools or anything for getting through those kind of moments without escalating things or maybe even turning it the other way. I'm still tired of him thinking he can be "Lord of the manor" and we all have to be shrinking vines hiding out in our rooms being silent lest we offend the great and might Oz!
I do not know the age of your son so this may not help at all!! I son is 8 and is about 4 handfuls!!! He has Asperger's and ADHD--he gets very emotional and think everything needs to be how he wants it to be. At this age I can send him to his room. Sometimes he has to stay there all night--coming out for dinner only. He also loves TV, the computer, and snacks--I take all of these away one at a time or all together if I think there needs to be a drastic change. Life is still not peaceful, but when he's in his room all he is dealing with is himself.
If your son is a teenager I don't think I can help--he's bigger than I'm used to.
Good luck, I know it's frustrating coming home and hearing griping and fighting all evening--definitely not relaxing and a fun place to be.
What I have learned in Alanon is that it is all about boundaries, about ME, not about the A. Do you have a sponsor? I hope so. If you really focus on working the steps and talking things over with another person who is also working their program, your own boundaries with your son will get clearer, and through working the steps, you will also find that your own choices and actions become clearer.
We're glad you posted your issue here. It helps all of us to work our program. Keep coming back, it works, if you work it!
It is harder as kids get older .... mine are not A at this point, but teenage behaviors can mirror an A on some days.
I can only tell you what I do -- and I find it easier to do this in some circumstances than others -- there is certain behavior that is not acceptable to me. I try to be very clear about that and I call my son on it when it happens -- included is his verbal treatment of me and his sister(s). Finding appropriate consequences for his bad behavior -- consequences over which I have control -- gets harder as he gets older, but I worked with a child psychologist on that and do the best I can. One of the main unacceptable behaviors that I will not tolerate is any of my kids being verbally abusive to the other (or if they try it with me). I believe it damages the spirit of the person at the receiving end, and doesn't do anything to enhance the wellbeing of the sender, for that matter.
Calling him on his behavior is easier said than done -- But I do and I am clear that he will be the one who will lose privileges, the rest of us will not be prisoners in the house. As my son got to be bigger than me he tried to see how far he could push that envelope too, so towering over me in a threatening way while yelling at me that he hated me, etc, etc. I know my son loves me and that he knows I love him, so I just stood my ground lovingly and calmly looked him in the eye and told him so. And proceeded to state what is acceptable behavior and the consequences if he chose otherwise -- if I couldn't think of good consequences at the time, I merely informed him there would be consequences after I'd thought about it. My son would isolate if allowed, so I never use his positive social interactions (sports, etc) as a consequence. I do my best to not provide anything that will enable the bad behavior. And I am very clear that I do NOT have any stupid, ugly, etc etc children -- I ONLY have intelligent good looking, etc children who I like being with, well when they are not acting in a particular way. But it is their actions, not them as people.
I also am not surprised, though I am disheartened, when the kids test the limits. One, I figure it is healthy for them to test limits; and it is my job to set limits and figure out how to enforce -- of course no one told us that way back when, or that the other parent might make it harder, but I'm the mom. And, given some of the behavior they've seen from their dad, and while they've seen what I'll tolerate and what I won't, they've also seen their dad get away with a lot in terms of other members of society -- so I figure it makes sense that this limit testing is going to happen. It never gets easy, though. creative consequences ....
Chinese water torture is a very apt description.
Only you know what'll work for your situation. Take what you want, and leave the rest. Good luck.
I don't know much about your son or your situation, but I have a ten year old son. He is bipolar/ADHD and a meriad of other diagnoses...anyway, he gets extremely violent with others; especially younger children in the house. I had to get him intensive therapy. I had to set severe consequences. (Maybe for you, no car? No money? Will have to find elsewhere to live?) I wrote up a contract that clearly stated my expectations and the consequences of not meeting them. All of them had to do with physical harm of self and others and respect. He signed it...that may work better for your son as he is older and better able to understand. He's not so much signing it that he will never do these behaviors again, but that he was made aware of the consequences ahead of time. Is your son seeking help for the addiction? In your state is he too old to have him committed for treatment? I know here a teenager is not too old if they are still at home and being supported by parents. I don't know if any of this will help. Take what you like. We are here for you.
