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Because of the chronic distress in an alcoholic family, every person in that family attempts to adapt to the chronic stress. Each becomes hypervigilant, anxious and chronically afraid. In such an environment, it is impossible for anyone to get his basic human needs met. Each person becomes co-dependent. >>>>>>i was the "shut down" the "number" went off to my dream world and , yes, hypervigilant, sleeping w/one eye open...anxiety attacks....and AFRAID???? that is an understatement......i had NONE of my basic needs met......i became codependent
The major consequence of this chronic stress is abandonment. Along with the actual physical abandonment by the alcoholic, the neglect of the childs' basic needs is another form of abandonment. There is no one there for the child. There is no mirroring to affirm the child's preciousness and no one the child can depend on. If Dad's the alcoholic, Mom is addicted to Dad ---- Mom is co-dependent. She can't be there for the children's needs because she is also an addict. >>>>>>>when i wasn't abused, i was abandoned, neglected...being locked out of the house and having to go into the garage and eat dog food, cuz i was so hungry, or he would take off w/one of his mistresses and leave us with NO food, so when the break/ milk delivery trucks came, i had the younger kids, keep watch/ decoy as i broke into the truck and stole us somethng to eat............neglect of my needs for love/ protection/ reassurance/ positive self talk, etc....i was not just attacked AND neglected.......there was NOone for me NO safe place for me, NOWHERE in this entire world was safe for me.......i was treated as a piece of meat OR a slave/ housekeeper/babysitter....NO value at all...... BOTH parents were completely UNdesirable to be parents.....what a tragedy!! THEIR being furtile......he was a serial child rapist....she a hopless alcoholic who escaped in a haze of 80 proof......AND she , i believe, was addicted to him.....
As addicts, both parents are needy and shame-based. It is impossible; for two needy, shame-based people to give love and model self-love. >>>>>>>>yes, he was insatiable with his sex, his needs ANY needs being met.....and she was needy to him, totally helpless to take care of herself....shame??? i think maybe she felt shame over her enabling him to attack me, (thus the reason why she drank herself to death) but him???? sociopaths cannot feel shame/remouse......
>>>>>my expectations for love/ nurturing though DESERVED, were so "off the top" as far as mis--placed that is how i became so resentful....i was STUCK w/these people.....i remember going out and SHOPPING for anyting better than these losers.....but i was STUCK.....thus more resentment...UNTIL i was able in this program to see how misplaced/ unrealistic my expectations were....now i see them as him being just evil/ unworthy of any mention at all....her, being a total alkie who drowned her self in 80 proof to escape the shame she felt for the evil she did....she was not evil in herself, but she DID evil.....now i am able to pray to my HP that IF she felt remourse, i placed her in his hands for the "after life" healing maybe??? its in God's hands, anyway.....
The normal child has healthy narcisstic needs, but there is no way to a fantasy bond of connection with their parents (delusion and denial ) and ultimately to self-indulging habits and pain killers. ` >>>>>>>i self indulged in food/ drugs/ alcohol/ racing cars (death wish???)...bouncing around in diferent relegions trying to "fill the hole"...hating the days there were no garage sales....going to the thrift shops and buying "s*** i didn't even NEED"........my need for "things" to make me happy.......i wonder if my doggie rescue thing, which i love and gives me satisfaction isn't STILL a part of my "craving" to love and help and BE loved....i swear i love animals more than people.......i am becomming more open to people AFTER the show me they are safe....but my "critters"???? they do fill my needs for companionship and love and unconditional acceptance
A third form of abandonment comes from abuse. Alcoholic families foster every kind of abuse. Because alcohol lowers inhibitions and knocks out the theostat between thoughts and expression, physical, sexual and emotional battering are commonplace in alcoholic families. Some estimates say that 2/3 of of AoAs are physically violated. Some 50% of incest fathers are alcoholics. >>>>>>>>>>.yep, i had the "works" began with emotional/verbal abuse--- beatings, than the sex assaults...... if my perp wasn't addicted to alcohol, he sure loved the stuff...i mean he could "put it down" at will---do without if business dictated, but he DID drink...DID drink a lot.....he was drinking when he assaulted me--- he was also STONE sober when he assaulted me.....it didn't matter.....he was as evil sober as he was drinking.......but yeah, i can buy into the "lowering inhibitions" however, NOONE is gonna indulge in child rape if they are NOT a predator...i don't care HOW drunk they are....i know this post does not reflect this, i just wanted to say this for myself....when i got drunk?? i wanted to give laughter/ affection, fun/ frolik, NEVER hurt someone.....and i cried too, when i was alone, lonely, drinking, i would cry too.....but i never wanted to do harm to another living creature....2 legged or more....
Alcoholic families are severely enmeshed. Enmeshment is another way the chldren are abandoned. As the alcoholic marriage becomes more entangled and entrapped, the children get caught up in the needs of both their parents, as well as the needs of the family system for wholeness and balance. Nature abhors a vacuum. When the family system is unbalanced, the children attempt to create a balance. >>>>>>>>oh yeah, his sex drive, her neediness for being cared for....i took care of THEIR needs as mine got neglected....now i take care of my needs myself and by my sig others in my life...as i try my best to meet their needs w/out being coda about it.......my way of creating balance was trying to keep the perp appeased so he wouldn't attack her for attack my siblings.....trying to "make it up" to my younger sibs....
In my family my dad was never there. By about age 11 he was for all practical purposes gone. I was the oldest male. The system needed a husband. I became my mother's emotional husband (Surrogate Spouse). My mom did not decide this, the system demanded it. I also became my brother's "Little Parent" since the system needed fathering. At 13, I was giving him an allowance. >>>>>>>oh how i wish my perp was "never there" geeeez i used to PRAY that ufo's would come grab him and take him away....he was gone on business many times or w/mistresses, but NOT ENOUGH for my taste....we all HATED his being home......yeah, the system needed a wife in this case....i was the perp's surrogate spouse.....my mother was too drunk to show up for duty......i was the little parent to my younger sibs too.....at 15 i was taking the money the perp paid me for "services rendered" and buying those kids school clothes and baseball mits to play with...they had NOTHING!!!! so i used my prostitute money he paid me and "supported them"
In another family I worked with as the drinking husband's alcoholism intensified, the oldest daughter became Mom's Scapegoat. Mom had been pregnant with her at the time of her marriage. In fact, she was the reason Mom and Dad got married. As Mom realized Dad was an irresponsible alcoholic, she turned her anger onto the girl child. >>>>>>>>my mom turned her anger onto me becuz i was the focus of the perp's sexual attention.....oh i was one of MANY victims of his..also he "fraturnized" with women who were adults....ANY female would do for him!! it was my horrible bad luck to be so convenient--- he didn't even have to go accross the street for gratification of his devient desires......i was just down stairs....so mom hated me...tried to shoot me more than once......one time she came after me with a knife, and i knocked it out of her hand and nearly beat and strangled her to death....oh yeah, tell me about "mom's anger at me"......she HATED me, i was the "competition".....
Another child was not planned. He was the accidental 3rd child in a very dysfunctional marriage. He felt the emotional abandonment in the womb. He became a "Lost Child" in the family. Literally the parental message he got was "Get lost, child, we can't handle another child".
>>>>>>>i think poor peter, the youngest is the victim of this......the perp always let him know how unwanted he was....and mom??? she drank herself into oblivion and the poor kid was , i know, born w/ fetal alcohol syndrome...and the last child??? (deceased at 4 yrs. old) was born with a heart so bad, and i know it was cuz of her drinking......she was loved , sort of, i mean they were better to her than ANY of us..maybe it was cuz of her heart or whatever..but when she passed away (i was the last one to talk with her) those bozos , instead of giving us comfort-support over her passing, sat there and blamed each other for her deathl-- they were BOTH responsible...when the child was sick with the flu it was up to me and my older sister to take care of this critically sick child....jane was 16, i was 14--- kay (15) was not there.....and anyway, jane and i did our best, jane gave her her cough syrup and i tucked her in and offered to sleep w/ her....for the FIRST time, luannie said "no, i'll sleep alone , thanks".......well i was shocked...she LOVED to snuggle with me...but this time she didnt want anyone.....(in my heart i KNEW she knew she was dying) when i tucked her in/ kissed her good night,
i said "good bye" instead....i knew!! i knew she was leaving......at 2:02 am on my clock, my eyes popped open, i walked to my bedroom door (it was open) and i looked down the hall and i SWEAR i saw her spirit ascend....i looked at it--- she "hesitated--looked at me" than kept on going....i crawled back into bed, covered myself up over my head, and was furious at her for leaving me with "him".........next day, my lil brother/ best pal, comes into my room and gives me the news....
i said "i know" i walked into my mom's room, she was actually sober, and i asked her one thing-------"what time did luannie die???" she said she found her body at 2:05 am....(we were all so precise back than--exact times were important--still r to me) anyway, mom told me she was still "frothiing at the mouth" and the body was real warm , still, and she tried to give her mouth to mouth resucitation in her bedroom....(that is why i didn't hear anything) i was covered up, hiding, mom must have come in and grabbed the body and took her back to their room and tried the "cpr thing" and of course the child was GONE!!!!!!
we went to the funeral and here the kid is...4yrs. old, lying in her coffin and i am pissed off at her for leaving me stuck here with the "marquise de sade and his wife".......i remember my perp telling me to "touch her" i did and it felt like cold silly putty--- it made me sick!!!! we burried her and soon as we got home, i ran away, AGAIN!!!! they cought me about 3 weeks later at someones house
n alcoholic families the discipline is modeled by unself-disciplined disciplinarians. The rules of the poisonous pedagogy offer justifiation for a lot of the so-called discipline. Very little of it is healthy discipline. It comes out of the parents' irritation and rage about their own life. Most of the time it has nothing to do with the child. i.e. it doesn't come from his behavior or help the child improve. Punishment occurs frequently and is usually inconsistent. The parents model this inconsistency.
>>>>>>>>oh yeah, one day it was "ok to cuss" next day u got smacked....NO consistency......and the "discipline" was described as beatings that left u half conscious or at least unable to walk for a while....and the insults....the putdowns.....NOTHING was consistent or structured in that insane assylum....
What all this adds up to is that the children, who need their parent's time, attention and direction for at least 15 yrs do not get it. They are abandoned. Abandonment sets up compulsivity. Since the children need their parents all the time, and since they do not get their needs met, they grow up with a cup that has a hole in it. They grow up to have adult bodies. They look like, and talk like adults, but there is within them an insatiable little child who never got his or her needs met. This hole in the soul is the fuel that drives the compulsivity. The person looks for more and more love, attention, praise, booze, money, etc.
>>>>>>>>yep, abuse and abandonment.....the precursers for my having such a hard time in this program being able to trust ANYthing.....not God, not even ME!!!! i mean ZERO...my sponser told me she was REAL worried that becuz i was soooo hard headed and hard hearted that i might not make it so good, becuz of my TOTAL inability to trust/ believe in ANYthing....well i thought so too....many times, i considered, just quitting----disappearing----not showing up on the boards anymore......and i would take one- two days off and i would CRAVE to come back and "try once more"......my HP was NOT going to let me be a suicide...plain and simple.....now???? i trust me.....am TRUSTING my hp.....i trust my sponser, not as my hp, but as my loving/ perfectly imperfect honest and wonderful spirit.....i am learning discernment so i can trust SAFE others........
>>>>compulsions???? i had / still have a lot.......many i have overcome...MOST of them i have overcome, but i still have some----- as i love / accept/ embrace my inner child my compulsions/ addictions seem to fade away......i can comfort me with loving words, rather than stuffing myself w/ junk food or getting a buzz on my wine......
The drivenness comes from the emptiness. And since one cannot be a child again and cannot go back and have a mom or a dad, the needs cannot be filled as a child. They can be dealt with as they are recycled in adult life. But they can only be dealt with as an adult. From Bradshaw "on The Family"/
>>>>>>>WELL i posted above , a "short take" and so now this...i was reading it and thinking "hey i am comming along pretty good now" got lots to go, but got lots done.......i was one very empty spirit......no wonder so many demons were able to oppress me....they coudln't POSSess me cuz i belonged to God...always did...but oppression??? oh man!! nearly drove me nuts......my "empty apartment" couldn't stay empty........nature "hates a void" so true.....so when i get delivered FROM something, i pray to my HP to deliver me TO something.....like when i pray to remove the fear..i ask that my empty part be filled with love and faith.......i do let my IC "play and frolic" if she wants.....yes, i am fulfilling my needs as an adult, but the playfullness i allow "full steam" the spontaniety is comming around..........i cannot be a child again, but i can be "child LIKE" when i go to my HP for help...or when i want to play....when i want to be silly...when i want to be held/ comforted....i can be childlike...... God said "come to me as little children" and he meant not just the "little kids" but the "big ones" as well............
>>>>>>>.well i was lead to post and i did..........feels good getting some of this stuff out...........hugs n light/ rosie
Wow Rosie--so much! This was a wonderful post. You are an amazing person. I always have grown up with an HP ( I choose to call him God). There have times I have felt so close to him and others that I have felt so far away. Right now I am in one of those places where I know he exists and I know he works things out as they should be, but I'm not sure what he wants for me and I'm not feeling too important to him. I now this is just evil working against me!
I want so much to feel what you have--that He is there for me and will take care of every need. I will keep plugging along and get better at working this program and then maybe it will come.
I have a real fear that what is wrong with one of my nephews is fetal alcohol syndrome related. Of course I have not voiced it because of course in our family we are not allowed to voice (well my cousin did to me) that my sister is an alcoholic. She set that up very very well well she learned it from my mother.
I can relate to how learned the behavior is. The important thing for me is take ownership of the various ways I abandon me. When I stop abandoning me in many many ways (boundaries is one of them) then I can start being clear when others abandon me. I used to look all the time for how others did it to me and now how I did it to me. Of course having people around who abandon me on various levels isn't helpful either. I would prefer to be around nuturing people but right now apart from this room I don't have that much of it in my life.
I would prefer to be around nuturing people but right now apart from this room I don't have that much of it in my life
MARESIE, i used to be the same way, i am still similiar...my sisters are on each side of the country, i am in dallas.....best g.f. is in vegas....i mean all my loved ones are away in distance,,so i know how u feel...my sponser is comming end of april for visit, i am excited cuz she is my foc (family of choice) so i am pleased.........sometimes i feel like i am in siberia...in calif, i had friends out the ying yang.....same as east coast....here??? its like "did my deodorant fail me??" but i guess maybe i am in "siberia" texas to find me, my HP, my inner child which i am doing.........AND this group........it would be gr8 if we were all fac2fac, cuz some of the greatest people i have met have been in these "cyber" groups.......................i totally related to ur post.............ur friend in recovery, rosie
Rosie--I feel that way to sometimes. I don't really have any close friends. I lost all of my friends with my divorce (6 years ago). They all think I did the wrong thing (my first husband was a minister and an abusive man)--they say I should have stayed in the marriage because God doesn't like divorce, most believe I am going to hell because i went through with it and then remarried on top of that. I am also in Texas--the east side. I have found that Texans are definitely a different breed. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, but it takes a long time to make connections here (that is my feeling).
