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So I had a tough week last week. Went through to the weekend. Maybe I can get some ESH from the forum...
Firstly, mid-week my AH's sister (who has become the "spokesperson" for his side of the family, and the "keeper" of his 401K from his last job) told me that they all seem to notice that when my son and I have contact with AH, he seems to jump off the deep-end and drink. I agreed. So they are asking that I limit my contact with him because he needs to be sober for 5 days for him to be admitted into the facilities he is willing to go to. Do you hear the semantics here, people? Anyway, I told her that I don't call him, and I only briefly answer his texts... nothing involved. But I have felt pressure from you guys to get more of my stuff out of the house. I try to go over when he is not home, but he almost ALWAYS home. So we agreed that she would keep AH busy on Saturday, I would get more stuff out, and she wanted to take me to lunch on Sunday. Fine.
Saturday comes and my son is sicker than a dog. Can't help me. But I go over the old house and do what I can by myself. There is still so much to do. That night AH texted me but I did not hear it. He calls my phone and I answer and he asks if I every got his text. I said no, phone was in other room. He then asks if Kid and I want to come over and share a pizza... his treat. Unfortunately, he is slurring every word. "No, we are eating with Mom & Dad" I said. Yes, it was a lie, but I just didn't want to get into the same ol' argument that he was drinking.
Sunday is lunch. It actually was a very good lunch and discussion. AH's sister is discussing how each family member feels about the AH situation. Some feel he needs to lose everything... the house included. Others want to help while making sure he doesn't have enough money to drink, while his mom is treating him like a baby and is undermining everyone else. Then she tells me that as of last night (Sat) MIL asked to back off, b/c her health is now being affected. AH is the baby of the family, and she can't help but worry. Sis-in-law talks about how it's been a month of her managing his 401k money and she is frustrated that he refuses any bed that is found in the "free" places, but continues without a job, so this money who "by the way is by CA law 50% yours," is being fretted away the longer he stays out of treatment. She told me that she is about ready to "let go." So I asked if she ever gets to the point that she is going to release the money to him and allow him to make his own way, to please let me know how much he received, b/c I will never know if what he tells me is the truth. She agreed. Her plan was to discuss his plans/money/whatever on Oct. 1st, b/c rent will be due again. At about 11:30 pm he text's me..."Hey, are you up?" I was just about to get into bed, so I ignored it.
This morning I texted him that I was asleep. I also said I hoped he was doing better, and how was his visit to the Gooden House (a facility). Never heard from him. Later that morning I get a frantic text from his sister... "Did you ask your Dad to pay for last month's rent?" "He had a bad night and is demanding his money. I am thinking I should let him know this and that he should pay your dad back.I also think he should give you some money toward alimony and child support. He was paid, so some should go to you." I told her she should do what she thinks is best for her.
She then told me that she told him she would consider giving him enough money for a month, but then she would not talk with him until the next time he gets money. "I won't tolerate his anger and bad behavior!" "He is livid b/c I would not wake our mom up at 11:30 last night!" She said that he has been berating her all morning while she is at work! She said that she has decided to give him all his money and end the relationship with him. "He is completely out of control!" "You could wait a short time and tell him to help with Austin (meaning give me some money).
So later tonight AH texts me... "Hi you guys, I hope your all ok I love you both." "D, I have some money if you or Austin need something OK"
I replied, "We are both feeling a lot better. HOpe you are doing well too."
He replies, "I know i need to get better to j" "I just can't get over feeling that I let you guys down."
STOP - Yes, I wanted to say, "You are damn right you let us down! Look where we are right now! How dare you!"
But what I said was..."Therapy or Program will help you to stay focused on YOU until you can forgive yourself."
To that he replied, "I want to forgive myself but I need to take care of my family," "Oh, D, I don't know how I got so lost."
"I don't know either." I said.
So I feel good about how I handled today. And despite what I wrote, I am allowing his family to "discover" AH for themselves - I just wrote it for context - I swear I am not obsessing about him!
Right now I need help on two things:
1) How do I ask him for what is rightfully mine according to the state of CA? Kid and I could REALLY use that money. I just don't know how much, and I feel if I outright tell him that by CA law 50% of that is mine, he'll flip a gasket!
2) AH's 53 rd birthday is this Friday... I feel like I shouldn't ignore it, but I don't want to have him get any crazy ideas about our future if I do something nice for him. I also asked KID about this, and he said he would feel too uncomfortable...so obviously there is an issue there. For those of you who have been there done that, how did you handle the first birthday after a separation that is not yet a "legal separation?"
Thank you for reading this long post!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
((P&P)) Sending positive thoughts and prayers. A lawyer would be my best bet in addressing the 401 k money and a B.D. card acknowledging his B.D. acceptable.
You are a kind, generous, understanding person so please do take care of yourself
(((PnP))) - I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers. I too have no separation experience but can share that the card aisles do NOT have 'perfect cards' for the damage this disease does. Both of my sons have been in/out of recovery/treatment/etc. and have spent birthdays in states of 'confusion'.....I always look for the simplest way to wish them 'good' for the event. A simple card or a text works wonders. I work to avoid back/forth when they are active.
I also agree that I would seek advice from a lawyer or 401K specialist. In my experience, when I involve the 'experts', the frustration and anger are often diverted to the process or the law instead of me. I am one who sometimes has to ask myself, "What would a sane, reasonable adult do in this situation as a part of me tends to look for an easier, softer way..."
You sound good - sorry that you and kid have been sick....moving is hard, separation and moving stinks and then adding illness on top - urgh....I here tons of grace in your post and hope you are all on the mend!! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I would agree that divorce attorneys are very good sources for outlining what you can get, when you can get it and how to get it.
I don't know that there is a formula for outlining when an alcoholic gets treatment and how they do it.
I do know going to AA helps because there are people there who at some point decided to get well.
I know very well what it is to be around an alcoholic's family who are trying to make some order out of chaos. That is exhausting stuff.
Are you taking time out to eat right, take care of yourself, get rest?
I don't know that you can give an alcoholic the wrong message about the chance to get back together again. They generally come to that conclusion on their own.
In general alcoholics tend to burn their relationships into the ground. That is one of the hallmarks of alcoholism.
Boundaries are tough around an alcoholic, really hard stuff. There is no magic formula or way to make it easy. Al anon tools can make it more bearable but it is not an easy proposition for anyone.
Moving, dealing with an alcoholic, being a single parent, trying to deal with a family who are overwhelmed those are all very stressful issues. Don't add any more to the list
I was always all things to all people but myself. These days I am my first priority it took a long long time to get there.
Al anon was one of the key turning points for me because I had to acknowledge I was dealing with the impossible.
Thank you, Milkwood for stopping by! I am glad you found some value in my long post... sometimes I feel like I am spinning my wheels, but other times I recognize the growth in me... this was one of those times. I hope you are doing well.
HotRod - thank you. You are so right... I think it is time to find a lawyer. I was going to the courthouse b/c they have free help available filling out legal separation or divorce paperwork... but I think the money issue needs an actual lawyer.
IamHere - I had to laugh at your post of the "perfect card" in the store card isle! Not only is this SO TRUE, but for years now, picking any type of card for him is so darn hard b/c I don't have all the mushy feelings that Valentine's Day cards usually spout, or Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are (he was basically non-existent)... so I would literally spend an hour trying to find just the "right" card for my qualifier. I used to joke to myself about why don't they have a card saying this, that & the other (all "wonderful" qualities of the addict). So this made me laugh at my "craziness." I guess that's why they make blank cards, huh?
Namaste to all of those affected by this disease.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
PnP - blank cards are WONDERFUL....until I have to find the words!! I hear you and get it - there were times when there.were.no.words!!! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Maresie - thanks for your insight. Yes, I am trying to eat right, walk my doggie, stay centered. His family are just now coming to terms with how bad he is within this disease... I do feel sorry for them... but I try not to get too involved b/c it is just crazy!
Your statement of 'being all things to all people but yourself,' resonated with me... heck, it IS me! I am trying to work on me now.
Thank you!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I hope you are doing well.