Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Dancer66 · Veteran Member

How to deal with lies

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Dancer...the lies were always something that bothered me to no end. No matter how much I detached, let go, and so on -- the lies were always an open wound and sore spot for me. Anyway, first, you may want to talk to your sponsor (get one if you don't have one) about why you want to find out you want to find out where he took Uber to and from. Why? Check your motives? Nothing changes if nothing changes. You know he lied, and you just want to catch him in more lies? Even though you are "not going to do anything about it? Are you "hurting" yourself? Not detaching, not letting go? All of these things will help you get awareness -- in and around you, your feelings, your thinking, etc.

That said, when it came to the lying...I did a lot of work with my sponsor. I was able to let go, and get past it. She wasn't lying to me -- I mean she was -- but it was part of the disease, part of the sickness, etc. She wasn't "doing it to me" -- she was just doing it. Period. I had to very closely, very hard, and very often look at -- nothing changes if nothing changes. When I got healthy, I had to ask, is this the way I want to live? If nothing changes, is this the way I want to live for the next one year? Three? Five? Ten? Twenty? When I got healthy, I had to look at me -- and think -- do I want to keep juggling my life, my days, nights, etc., and tweaking everything I did in life, in order to make things bearable, and to make things work?

The lies, were a precursor to me getting better. I had to go through it. I immersed myself in acceptance, I made sure I truly embraced it, I surrendered to it -- and then I was able to let it go. I couldn't go over it, under it, around it...I had to go through it. And I did. And I was able to get past it and let go. I got better. I got healthy. The lies did NOT stop. My spouse did NOT get better. Did NOT get clean and sober. But I got better and decided to make my life better, happy, healthy.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Dancer - so sorry for the pain and stress the disease is causing. My sponsor pointed out to me that if the lies bothered me, I could remedy that by not asking questions. When I put me first and just go with my plan for my days, and not inquire about them/their day, I don't have to endure the chaotic answers created in active addiction.

What has happened around here is as I have changed and kept my focus on me, the story-telling has diminished greatly. As we all live our truth in my family, they know my boundaries as well as my values. Since I am not nagging for answers or the 'real truth' I often get it straight up. Many of their lies here are/were disease driven yet most were told to 'avoid the argument, consternation, judgement, nagging and lectures from me'...

As I grew in confidence in recovery, I was more able to clearly state what I would do. Examples, I will not/do not provide rides for them to engage in their disease. I do not fund ubers in support of their disease. I could go on and on - but I allow them to finance and support their disease, it's not going to happen on my dime. My son who is active currently asked me recently for a ride to his car after a night out. I was grateful he did not drive home. I asked him how he got home, and he said he had ubered....I told him I could help him after I went to my meeting, and he wanted his car sooner. I suggested he uber back to it which is what he did.

I would love if everyone in my family had the same values, however that's not ever going to happen. I learned that all I can change is me and working with a sponsor setting healthy boundaries worked wonders. (((Hugs)))

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

As I think back to when I was in this -- I remember not contributing, financially, emotionally, behaviorally, and in other ways. Even after I did all of this -- my AW's drinking continued. She kept doing what she was doing. I didn't deal with anything that had to do with her drinking or her disease, or the fall-out/byproduct from it. She paid for everything that had to do with her drinking, her issues/problems. She dealt with everything. I detached, and so on. However, there was still an impact on me. I no longer had a healthy, functional, enjoyable, etc., marriage and partner in life. I rarely was able to socialize with friends, go to charity events, go to business functions, etc. I wasn't able to do the things I wanted to do, what we used to do, etc., because of her drinking. I accepted this. But I could not live like this for the rest of my life. The lies were part of what allowed me to get healthy, as strange as that sounds.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. I could not find ways -- did not want to find ways -- to make the unbearable bearable. I did not want to find ways to make the intolerable tolerable. I did not want to find ways to make the unacceptable acceptable. That was just me. Enjoying life, being happy, healthy, and all that goes along with it...that was not going to be a part-time thing for me. Again, just me.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Dancer,

Lying is so part of the disease and I am so powerless over all aspects of the disease of alcoholism .. as I started accepting the lying as part of the disease, it actually became sad as well as funny (forgive me I have a horrible sense of humor, it helped me cope). It was sad because he wasn't just lying to me .. the person he lied to the most was himself. Funny because the lengths he needed to go to believe himself were astounding.

I needed a partner I could trust with the basic truth and I mean it got so insane if my XAH came to me today and was stone cold sober .. said that the sky was blue .. honestly before believing him .. I would open the window. I trust what I see not what I hear, especially when it comes from someone who has given me the experience that he can't tell the truth even if it meant saving his life.

Trying to convenience someone who really believes that they are telling the truth that they are lying is like spitting into the wind. Yah .. it seems like a good idea at the time until the consequences come back and smack me in the face .. it's just messy. It sounds like you did the right thing given the fact it would have been a mess in confronting him .. how much would it have mattered and I really have to wonder when I get in that mode .. how bad do I need to be right .. if I'm standing in my truth then chances are I'm right where I need to be regardless of what the A is saying/doing.

Hugs S :)

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

When I was with my FIRST AH, I found myself not living healthy, equal, mutual, it wasn't FUN at all...not even close...I couldn't hang with my friends because he could either be nice or rude/nasty to them/me......I had to shift gears constantly to adjust to HIS behavior to keep the peace..I was taking HIS temperature to see what MY day would be......yea, I accepted it but then I began to think of that Peggy Lee song in the 50's that talked about "is this ALL there is " or words to that affect...I began asking myself "is this how I want to be a year from now?? 5 years from now????" and he lied like a flat rug to me, so there was NO such thing as trust....I was lied to growing up...actions never matched words....trust was nonexistent and I MARRIED into it after I ran away from it in my FOO......I was always having to "adjust" sometimes on a moments notice to "fit around" the alcoholic.......I was trying to put a square peg in a round hole, even trying to configure that hole to TAKE the square peg.....finally I realized that I am not gonna make Crap into perfume...I'm not going to be able to create a happy, healthy, safe environment , BEING WITH HIM.......AND , I no longer wanted to.....I was tired and done with banging my head against the wall to try and change that wall.....i decided to let it stand...Accept it is what it is and NOW, what do I want to do with MY life????? Because I saw....I had to change ME in order to get free....and for me freedom was cutting my losses and leaving....Now this is just MY ESH.......you talk about checking up on his Uber usage....why do you want to know??? what are you going to do with the info if it is bad???? I would check myself and ask..."ok..if I find out hes doing something real bad, what am I gonna do???" they say the truth will set a person free, and I would prefer to know, but again..that is just me...I want to make informed decisions when it comes to taking care of me..I want to care for me, based on truth.....I, personally CANNOT be in a relationship that is not based on absolute honesty and being open...I just can't.......however, that said, if you not able to do the next right thing by you, you may find something out that makes you even more unhappy......I hope this made sense...I know what I am trying to say, but my allergies are kicking up and I'm not articulating very well tonight.....I always check my motives, now, when I am dealing with "what am I gonna do if so and so says/does/did/thinks that?????" sending LOADS of support.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene