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Hey everyone I know its been a while since I posted but I am actively working my recovery!
A situation has just come up and I am struggling. My sponsor is unavailable and out of the 3 program friends I called - I got 3 voicemails. I am acutely aware that I need to diffuse this moment before it completely rides the rails of emotions. This is a another place I feel safe to share.
I would like to preface that I know a couple of my character flaws are self righteousness and fluent "victimese" and in examining my motives I am pretty sure by character flaws are hanging out but I so want to scream, shout, call foul play and kick someones a$$ right now, and I am pretty sure it's my Higher Power. I dont like where he is putting me even though I know its for my own good.
My daughter was a victim of a sexual assault by her school teacher earlier this year and it has changed our whole life. Her whole life. Since this all came out my daughter has not been in school. She was not the only one in his harem and well the other girls arent quite liking that their easy A for attention is gone. the school cannot protect her. With the help of the school board, guidance counselers and some government agencies a plan has been pulled together for her and she will graduate in December from high school but she will have missed the opporunities of proms, senior trips, pictures, etc. Which is ok, non traditional but we accept that. During the pre trail phase the teacher disclosed that he is an alcoholic! He tried to use the alcoholism to get out of the charges and even went to a 21 day program during pre trial. Now, the trial is over, he is guilty, and September 8th was to be his sentencing day. My daughter asked me to read her impact statement at sentencing. Without so much of a word the prosecutor's office changed the sentencing date to a date I have mandatory training and I cannot go. I am angry. I am angry that my daughter's voice cannot be heard, I am angry that I cannot read her statement, I am angry at alcohol and the horrible stuff it makes people do, I am angry at all the suffering I have had to do because of the trail of alcholics in my life, I am angry that I am allowing myself to play the victim again.
I sit here and say to myself "How important is it?" My daughter just wants to put it behind her, so why am I so mad? The 3 c's I didnt cause it cant change it and cant cure it so why am claiming foul play? To thine ownself be true- if Im honest with myself I really wanted to be there as the victim, to stand there self righteously and read her statement no matter how much forgiveness it read and watch him suffer his consequences. I am thinking my Higher Power didnt want me to make an a$$ of myself.
Thanks for your HonestyFooled, I am so sorry that your daughter had to endure this painful experience and understand your position.
I think it is extremely important that your daughter prepared this impact statement and would investigate if it could be mailed to the judge to be included in the files of the case.
Positive thought on the way
Oh I am soooo sorry and there are a FEW things that come to mind in reading this. I love the term victamiese .. because I used to say I don't speak whinese ..
First off I hope your daughter is finding her voice and is finding ways to take back her power from this horrible situation. I am sooo glad her perpetrator is going to be sentenced and the right thing can be done. It won't change the past .. it offers a different direction of healing for your family.
Just some ideas outside of the box .. is there another family member who is willing to read the statement .. is the prosecutor allowed to read the statement .. can a video of your daughter reading the statement be made? I have no experience with rapes going to trial however it seems to me an advocate should be available to allow her words to be heard. I am sooo sorry for her to have this kind of trauma visited on her. She's very lucky to have a mom who is advocating for her by the way .. that is HUGE. Do check your options because there are always options. Maybe not the ones that were first available .. just open your mind. You are NOT out of options. Do not be afraid to ask the prosecutor if you don't get the answer you want call the rape victims advocates .. I don't know the right legal term for it. I know there has to be one.
My instincts and what should happen are two totally different things. So I won't visit those. Please know your family is in my prayers and I am so sorry for this because no child or adult (and yes .. at 17/18 they are still children) should ever have that kind of violence visited on them. That I feel very strongly about for my own personal reasons. No one has the right to rip that self safety away .. my hope for your daughter is for her to find her way out and take her power back because as awful the situation .. please forgive the way this will sound, there so much good can come from it and I can testify to that, there is so much healing to be had and it is for your daughter to take when she's ready. Life gets different .. different is not always bad. There is a different strength that can be found.
Big hugs, praying for your family that you all find your voice and your options to help your girl through.
S
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Aloha Fooled. The court can hear your daughters impact statement in her own voice if she tapes it and the tape is played in court. She additionally can say why she isn't making the statement in person; about how the assault has affected her presently.
Someone might add that alcoholism is a life-time disease and not cured in a 21 day treatment session. It is incurable and only arrested by total abstinence.
I am a former therapist who helped send a father parent to prison for the same offense and taking away his reliance upon alcoholism as the cause.
Next Al-Anon meeting your are planning to go to take your daughter and get her some "How it works" literature. Alcoholism isn't getting any less. Keep coming back and HP loves you and will listen with love as you vent in front of him. Mine did for me. ((((hugs))))
Fooled, I am sorry to hear what your daughter experienced and I'm angry along with you. The program suggests that we figure out what we can't change and what we can, and then have the courage to change what we can.
Are there any alternatives for the mandatory training? Can your workplace help find another time that you can take this training? In my mind, this court date would qualify as a "family emergency" where any reasonable person would see the importance of your being there.
If reading the impact statement in court would help you and your daughter to heal -- and to me it sounds like it would help in feeling like a strong survivor -- I think it is worth asking whoever you need to ask if there is a way you can be there.
(((Fooled))) - I too am angry with you.....goodness gracious - as an alcoholic in recovery, I would never blame my disease for my other 'isms' or addictions. Yet - my meeting today was on denial - we all know it is a deep thing....very deep - clearly this teacher is sicker than most.
I'm with Jerry - tape her statement and get it to the prosecutors. I know that's been done here and more often than you might think. Young victims are usually not wanting to face their molester/offender and the court will always do what's in the best interest of the child. I know you want to be there - for her, for justice, for closure - sorry that it's been changed up.
Good to see you - so sorry for the circumstances that bring you back. I'm sending healing thoughts and prayers to you all - I can not imagine what your daughter's been through and how this has affected you all....know that we're here for you however we can be!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
As usual you all have some good thought provoking stuff.
Freetime you are right, accept what I cannot change, courage to change what I can-I am powerless over the Prosecutor's change-so I spoke to our lawyer and my supervisor and my supervisor moved my training date to later in the month of October. Although it wasnt considered an emergency, there was slots open on the later date. Thank you for that clarity. In speaking with the lawyer, he feels the judge hearing the words in my daughter's own voice would bring about greater impact than my reading the words. Thank you for that idea everyone. She didnt want to go and face him I didnt know that was an option. You are so right SerenityRUs we are never out of options. I do plan on following up with the Victim Advocate tomorrow regarding the sudden change and the disappointment of not being able to put this to rest on the 8th as we thought.
In talking this over with my sponsor tonight, I used your term justice, Iamhere. It was the perfect word. Although I will never get "justice" for all the trespasses against me from the series of alcoholics in my life, I am able to get justice for my daughter and I was using this "justice" to symbolize all the "justices". According to my sponsor, I can use this to rid myself of the resentments and wipe the slate clean if I choose but I must then be willing to let them go-put them in my God box. Otherwise it is my character flaws just hanging out. I agree with her that being true to myself with my own motives healing for both of us can begin. As you stated SerenityRUs-different. I need to allow myself to be angry but by not reacting shows I am making progress. Denial, Iamhere, is so powerful in this disease. In my learning of the disease, I came to believe in the "uniqueness' alcoholics suffer from. In all the pre-trial motions I sat through, one being drug Court, I can say he has a bad case. The mother in me wants to be there when his world is suddenly shrunken and the "uniqueness" is stripped away. That's my baby girl you assaulted! He crossed a societal boundary, not just mine, and I can be angry about that.
Most of all I thank you all for being here. You are my first Family group and right now the words of the closing statement is running through my head...talk things over reason things out, which is what you helped me do. Again, thanks for letting me share.
(((Suzann))) - I am truly grateful that you came back and posted your 'place' today....my prayers and positive healing thoughts continue for all of you. Keep doing you - it's looking great on you! I hope that the healing for all involved happens as fast as possible. I know from my own personal experience with sexual assault that there is a huge part in the victim that believes it's our fault. Many of the 'if onlys' and 'I should have' play over and over in the mind. I needed to be reminded for years that I was a victim and not at fault to actually believe and accept that. (((Hugs))) to all - your sponsor sounds like a lovely fit!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am so glad you decided to ask the questions and find out what your different options are .. It is so important not just for you however for your daughter. I just so encourage you to empower her where you can.
My experience in dealing with my daughter's mental health is she needs me at the moment not because she will not be able to ask the questions she needs to ask .. she needs to know what her rights are and how to ask the questions, when to push the Dr's and when to say nope sorry for you .. I don't agree. She's finding out that she may be powerless over people, places or things .. she certainly has the voice to speak out and say this is good .. this is not good .. and I don't understand what this means. I need more explanation. She's also finding out pills do not solve everything. She's learning not to accept the status quo. It's now turning into .. well ok I hear you however what about this what about that.
That's how I feel about this situation .. is you are her advocate .. you are the one who can guide and help her find that voice. It is so huge for her to find that voice because that voice will rocket the opportunity for her healing. She has been changed and she will not be the same that is just a fact. She is also able to redefine who she is and gain her footing moving forward.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hello Suzanne,
I am sorry you are going through this, I have been through one of these trials. It is an awful thing to go through even though your family member is the victim. Did you get to speak with the victim witness advocate in the prosecuting attorney's office? They can have your daughter in a different room through video services and she never has to step in the court room. I am surprised they did not offer that but the prosecution is out to get a conviction and they might not always have the victim's best interest in mind. It boggles my mind the things they put these children through to get a guilty plea and a long sentence.
Alcoholism is not ever an excuse for inappropriate sexual behavior with a minor or anyone. There is a grieving process when you or your family has been victimized in this manner. I commend you for speaking out and seeking help for yourself and your family. Your daughter still has a full life ahead of her and may she be blessed in her future endeavors. I think that Alanon can be one of many support fellowships to help you. Keep coming back, and sending prayers for you tomorrow.
All is a go for the 6th of October I spoke to the Victim Witness Advocate who was most apologetic and didnt even know that the sentencing was changed until the day of, even though the notice came from the Prosecutor's office. SMH I discussed with her my daughter not wanting to be present and not wanting to voice record or video tape and the Victim Advocate said the most beautitful thing..."Suzann, there has been no other mother that has been more supportive of her daughter in all the trials I have seen, of course she wants you to read her statement and she is most likely proud of you for reading it for her" I asked my daughter if she felt that way and she broke down and cried and said "Mommy, I cannot express the appreciation I have for you without crying" So, I will go and proudly read her statement. I will not force or try to persuade her anymore. The civil suit has been filed in federal court and of course the newspapers have picked it up and the one and only time they spell my name right Ugh Those were a rough few days and although the handful of bashings to me personally in the local convenience store was troublesome she handled it like a champ! She realizes she was the victim and she cant control what people say. I picked her up a copy of "As we understood it" from my last f2f meeting and she has been reading it!
So, today, I woke up, the sun is shining, the people I love in South Florida are safe, I am going to get ready for work, my bills are paid, my AH is sober, my parents left for a long over due vacation, my addict son is alive, not clean but alive, and texted me he loved me last night, I held on to my red ball of serenity and am working my program. I am upping my meetings for the next couple of weeks and leaning hard into my program.
I am so happy I listened to my HP and found my log on information at that time and I need to be here as well. PS Iamhere I love my sponsor from the moment I met her.
(((Suzann))) - what a lovely, powerful, honest share.....you are an inspiration and I applaud your strength as well as your daughter's!!! I am sending you continued prayers and positive thoughts - keep working it girl....it looks really, really great on you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oh big hugs and I am soooo glad that it all worked out the way it did. That is the beauty of being open minded is the outcome is always better than my plan.
Sending lots of support as well as prayers to your family for continued healing!!
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you for updating us. I am so glad things are working out -- thanks to your experience, strength, and hope. Please let us know how the court experience goes ... I feel sure it will be a powerful experience that helps you and others.
