The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My apologies for the late post - had little people spend the night last night...
Today's reading in courage to change discusses character defects. Many of us view them as traits we no longer need. Many of us have developed clever methods of surviving with the disease such as denial or secrecy. We learn that many of these do more harm than good as we embrace recovery in Al-Anon. Many are now obstacles to growth - even those that were so helpful in survival before. Assets change up and become liabilities.
Some in recovery define character defects as assets that have lost proportion. Perhaps a genuine desire to have a loved one can be exploited into a desperate need to fix them instead.
We are not facing the daunting task of rooting out every shred of defect; we are only turning it over to our Higher Power so it can be brought into balance or dropped because it's no longer serving our needs.
Today's Reminder -- Instead of condemning myself when I become aware of a defect of character, I can acknowledge my growth. I've recognized that a characteristic that once allowed me to survive is no longer necessary, or that an asset that has lost its proportion makes my life unmanageable. Instead of proving sickness, this shows a willingness to face reality and a readiness to choose health.
Today's Quote from ... In All Our Affairs -- "Sometimes we must accept ourselves, defects and all, before those defects are removed."
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I am grateful Al-Anon gives me the tools to change me and explore me and know me. I had so much distorted thinking that I had many 'characteristics' upside down! For instance, I considered myself forgiving - yet did not realize that I could forgive another without being asked. I am very intelligent and proactive, yet used these to try and control others. I truly thought I was a flexible person, yet came to understand I really was only so when others agreed with me or pretended to do so.
I have come to believe we are all given what we need to be imperfect upon birth, and our life experiences mold, distort and develop these - good, bad and indifferent. The program does give me an opportunity to see them, understand them, change them and work for a balance I did not know was possible.
Have a lovely day MIP family! Off to the eye doctor in a bit and some softball this evening!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good afternoon IAH, thank you for posting your thoughts on this very important topic. I know many in program object to the word "defect" , but it has never caused me any distress. I love the quote that states we must accept ourselves, with all our warts before the defects can be removed. This reminds me of my first sponsor who assured me that Al-Anon is not a self improvement program, but a self acceptance one. I found that to be very true. Once, I uncovered what I was doing that hurt me, I was very willing to let go of the destructive behavior and trust the process.
Much to my surprise, the destructive behavior was covering up my assets . When I let go of , sarcasm, judgment, criticism and blame, I found acceptance, compassion, wisdom and serenity, readily available to me.
Thank you for your service. The little people are very fortunate to be able to share your love.
Thank you for the post and, boy, can I relate! I'm such a work in progress and am baffled each time a new layer of distortion is revealed because I hadn't realized that my "good intentions" had ties to something unhealthy. Recently, one of these layers was revealed - it's like I was hiding under a blanket and when the blanket was removed, there I was.... exposed to judgement...
but judgement is not an Alanon tool...
I'm working on giving myself love and compassion and accepting my very human imperfections as well as healthier ways to think and act (and not react from a place of hurt, anger, or fear).
Hello IAH, Thank you for this positive measure of self acceptance. In my 20s I suffered depression and I know that it is still part of me and a a sometimes present dark cloud. I used to label myself but over time I realise that this is part of my story and part of who I am. And being self aware and self critical as I do get in my phases makes me work harder at my job which has had positive results. And through my experiences with my ABF I am seeing positives in myself - even when sometimes they seem like being a defect. I have supported him so much. My bad days tell me I'm a mug who is getting used. My good days tell me that I"m committed to making thing work and making a difference to someone else. Hopefully, with more work the good days will win over the self critical voice. Rachael
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
