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Husband kicked out son last night. My mom said he was going to her house. She said they have to come here to get his things. I am hoping this will be short term if he will agree to counseling and begin the process. I know that is me controlling but I can't stop the fixer in me. I feel broken. Family is broken. Oldest son is broken. No peace or calm or order. Only chaos.
-- Edited by Bayley on Tuesday 15th of August 2017 06:37:15 AM
That is a tough situation, but sometimes change is tough. Can you dive into the programme, go to meetings, remember that this too shall pass and more will be revealed? Change can be good but it is nearly always uncomfortable so I send prayers for your son in the hope that this change can lead him to constructive change as well. Was there peace or calm or order before? Or was there chaos there as well? Keep coming back Bayley and share with people who understand how difficult this feels.
I am so sorry. I went through this with my son as well. The conflict in the family, the conflict between his dad and him, his frightening behavior, it was all so terrible and frightening. My son is now in recovery but every day is a struggle. I think the hardest thing was my constant fear for him. It could put me in an almost catatonic state.
One thing I can share about my experience is that the day I drove him to a city an hour away and left him at a sober home was the day things started getting better - far from perfect, but better. Some of it was that he was not in our home or my face every day. Some of it was that he could depend on no one but himself and he had no choice but to move forward. But I think the big thing was that I was so worn out that I felt myself emotionally detach. I felt no desire to save anymore. I just wanted to move on. He didn't thank me for all my efforts. He just got out of the car and took his stuff and walked off. I don't even think it hurt me anymore I just thought, "Good luck and good by." That moment brought sadness and relief. But I think I started healing at that moment and, even more amazing, he started working to turn himself into the person he always should have been.
For me, I am working on not allowing fear to be the determining factor in my actions and decisions. I keep moving towards the light. I wish that for you too.
A sober home is a place where addicts who are trying to stay in recovery can live. Once someone goes through a stint in rehab, he can live in a home as long as he stays clean. They usually do not cost a lot and typically are in good locations because most addicts are starting over and have no car and little to no money. My son has stayed in two different kinds. The ones in my area (Washington, DC) come under the umbrella of "Oxford House." There is a website that shows which houses have rooms available. The first place he stayed was self-policing and all the residents were accountable to each other to stay sober. If someone relapsed, then he or she was out of the house within 24 hours. I know, as a mom, this is frightening, but it helped them stay focused on the consequences. There are household chores, weekly meetings, drug and alcohol tests, etc.
The second sober home he stayed in was run by a former alcoholic-turned-counselor. She owns three homes and her rules were slightly different. If someone relapsed, he was out of the house immediately but once his urine ran clean, he was readmitted for one more chance. My son stayed at this house for a year and went through a huge amount of growth. Not perfect. He relapsed when he left but he had learned enough to climb back on the wagon and keep the recovery going.
I am a big believer in these sober homes because it makes the recovering addict accountable to him/herself and to the others in the house. There is no enabling happening. The family is not taking the direct hit. I hope this is helpful
(((Bayley))) - so sorry for all that comes with this destructive disease....I am also sending positive thoughts and prayers your way - for all. I too have boys that are affected by this disease and it's a hard, long, painful road. However, it is in Al-Anon that I found hope for a better day and it's in Al-Anon with all the tools that my life, my emotions, my spirit has been changed.
I do understand where you are - be gentle with you, trust this program and the process and try to stay focused on you.....one moment at a time if you can. I really leaned into the program and the fellowship when chaos raised up and still do as it still does.
Know that there is hope and help in Al-Anon.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Bayley-Please know that you are not alone. I relate to pain from my broken family and it's up and down. And honestly I feel just as broken as they are. It is through Alanon that I have found hope and comfort, even improvement. I'm getting stronger but it is a long journey. However, it is worth it. Before I was suffering alone. Now I have a family of supporters who care and help me along my path. Wishing you the best outcome with your son. Lyne
Im sorry and I so understand this pain, its awful. I lived with this too and I put my son out the house and the life of my family improved including his. I learned that putting up with unacceptable behaviour was enabling and it was all because I was living in such fear and so I rushed always to pacify and clean up his mess over and over so he never learned. The day I let go was the best gift I gave him but I can easily fall into that role again so Alanon is my medicine.
No peace or calm or order. Only chaos. 