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Hi everyone, so the on/off non live-in alcoholic partner of 4 years has been drinking constantly for 6-8 weeks now. It has been mostly off between us for the last few months, he he's been trying to talk to me but really I just felt like I'd had it, just couldn't cope with it anymore. Then we had a talk a couple of weeks ago and I ended up getting back in for a few days, because, well, the problem isn't that I don't love him anymore, it's that I don't like the way he treats me a fair bit of the time, drinking or sober. It was fine for a little while, then another big blkw-up over nothing really, where he said some awful things, finished with me because it's all my fault, of course, told me by text which of my friends is going to be in his bed next, and so on. Very drunk sending these texts and did apologise a few hours later but I told him I want no more contact, changed my number and asked my brother to do a house swap with me for a couple of weeks. I live on the same estate, in the same small town as this man and feel that is part of the reason it's been so hard to break away from him, that and love, addiction, etc.
So I am now in my brother's house a few miles away since Monday. It is easier away from him, I'm not looking out for him, bumping into him, thinking he might call, waiting to see if he will text etc. But last night I got a call from my brother, who's in my house to say that my ex's neighbour had called up to ask him to let me know that my ex was gone into hospital with his liver. I thought about things, while I know my ex is in a very bad way from drinking, has been in a lot of pain, throwing up, etc, and he binges until he is almost dead every time, and I have no doubt his liver won't last much longer, I also know that he is capable of doing anything to reel !e back in. Why he can't just appreciate me when he has me I will never know. But I do care, and I do want to know if he's seriously Ill or (God forbid), dying.
So I rang his neighbour to see how he was. The neighbour said he was just home, had waited 7 hours to be seen and signed himself out without any diagnosis. He had been sent in by his own doctor. The neighbour told me he loves me to bits, would I not just give him a quick ring etc. I said no, that too much had happened, I didn't want him to have my number and so on. I've heard nothing since, but have felt torn all day. My feeling is I no longer want the relationship unless he gets help. He has so much undealt with trauma, and that's besides the alcoholism. I also don't want him to think I don't care what happens to him, but I can never be around him without getting hooked in. I know I can't help him, it's professional help he needs. I don't want him to die without saying goodbye, I've been through that with someone else. I feel angry that this has intruded on a much needed break as the last couple of months have been hard. He is not able to care what it all does to me, but I have started to care about that. I'm going to an am anon meeting in a few minutes, I know that will help. And if anyone has any suggestions they would be much appreciated. Thanks everyone.
PS. I have thought many times before that he was at death's door, but he managed to pull himself out of it, stop, and get his health and strength back so maybe I am overreacting but I know it's a killer disease and he seems to be going lower with every binge. He's still drinking in spite of hospital visit by the way.
-- Edited by Sorcha on Wednesday 2nd of August 2017 04:19:23 PM
(((Sarah))) - I truly have no direct experience with this - only an uncle who could not recover from this disease. He did pass away in the hospital from the disease and there was nothing any of us could do to help him want to live a different, better, healthier way. I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am going to be facing this with my brother and not in the far future..hes in his 60's...like how much longer can his already swollen liver take??? BUT..I didn't write his life song, I didn't cause his drinking, I will never control it nor can I cure it....This fella you are describing is in a terrible way and yea, you hate to see any human being go through that, but it ISN"T your responsibility...If you fear getting hooked, then don't call...Maybe send him a nice card wishing him well with out the return address on it....pray for him...and say that in the card, at least that is what I would do if I had a mind to, most of the time when someone abuses me and i cut them loose, i never want any further contact, but you seem to be very very sweet and caring..not a cynic like me, LOL so I would just send a card offering up your prayers and leave it at that..........AND so GLAD you are going to a meeting....Good girl!!!! Love it!!!! maybe you can swap phone numbers with someone you feel comfortable with and say "hey---if you don't want to be my sponsor, can ya be a part time one till I get over this hump i need to cut loose from my life"....just for support.......and take it easy on you and be gentle with you....glad you swapped houses with brother....you take care and don't let anyone abuse your kindness..........HUGS of support
I've been where you are and understand. I have come to learn that I overanalyze in attempt to control situations, but the real harm is that it keeps me cycling in a rut. I lean on Alanon to practice staying in the moment. Sending positive thoughts.
I think the thing - sad as it is - is that we can't stop their slide into self-destruction. Whether it's fast or slow.
One thing you may want to do is to say the things you want to say now. Saying "goodbye" even if not in those words. Because whether it's next week or forty years from now, at some point there will be a goodbye. It's good for all of us to say the unspoken things that we will wish we could have said, whether the person is a drinker or not.
Another thing is to realize that some thing always remain unsaid. When someone does die, it sharpens our mind somehow and we can always think of things we "should" have said. But often there are good reasons we couldn't say them. Often there is hostility or difficulty from the other person. We have to recognize that too - we can't have the perfect conversation where we arrive at perfect understanding.
Sorcha,
I have been through this with my ex-abf. He would say the cruelest things to me when he was drinking. His moods changed all the time, he could be happy one minute and the next minute be very angry. I broke up with him, I had to save my sanity. My nerves were bad, and I had low self-esteem. I would change my phone number and not speak to him for weeks. Then I would talk to him, and nothing had changed. He would go to the hospital for detox, then get out and start drinking again. Eventually, he did get really sick but now he is sober. He hit his rock bottom. If he did not get really sick, he would still be drinking. It is a powerful addiction and sometimes all you can do is lean on your higher power. I got a lot of support from my family and I tried to stay busy and not think about him.
I just want to say thank you all for the messages of support. It's been a hard week, no contact with himself though I did hear from his friend that he's stopped drinking for now. It's hard staying away but I am getting to more meetings than usual and it's good not to be right beside him, I literally have to drive past his hour every time I leave the estate I live on so I'm constantly being triggered when I'm there. I'm not as obsessed here with where he is and what he's doing, but I am going through grief that it hasn't worked and a kind of withdrawal I supposed. I have another week at most in this house and then I have to go home and I'm taking it a day at a time and hoping something will shift in me and I will figure out a way to manage the obsession. That bit is mine, I know. If his van's not outside his house, where is he? Another woman? God knows he's threatened it enough times. And it's not my business anymore. If I really want to let go......do I really want to let go? Honestly, there is still a tiny part of me wishing he would get the help he so desperately needs and maybe then we could have a somewhat normal relationship. I've had a fair few relationships but don't think anyone's ever hooked me in the same way he has. Anyway I am doing ok under the circumstances, managing to stay away and take care of my responsibilities. Thanks all, the replies help a lot. Yes, I have thought of sending a card, and maybe I will at some point but just still too emotional right now.
You are not alone Sorcha, I felt like I was addicted to my ex-abf. It was very hard to not think about him and what he was doing. The Alanon program can be very helpful by attending as many meetings as you can. I don't know where you live, they have daytime and night time meetings in some places. Working the steps, reading the literature, and even listening to podcast can be helpful too.
