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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> The frustration of things piling up that don't get finished!
Post Info TOPIC: The frustration of things piling up that don't get finished!
Mapper


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The frustration of things piling up that don't get finished!
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I am someone who is a doer. I've always been one to get things done when they need to get done. I'm constantly cleaning the house, doing yardwork, running errands, paying bills. I rarely sit still for 5 minutes when H is at work because that's my time to get things done. Because when he's home he'll make jabs about how things smell like chemicals when I'm cleaning or how I'm walking up and down the hallway so many times going from room to room that it's weirding him out, or how I'm weedwhacking the wrong way or mowing the wrong way. It's just easier to do things when he's not there so I don't have to deal with any backlash.

He gets it in his head that he wants to do all these things. He just HAD to have a pond, so 3 years ago he dug up some of the yard and carefully thought about how he wanted it to look and it did look great. But within a few months, the fish had been eaten by raccoons, the water was getting cloudy, there was a leak in the lining, just everything started going downhill. It sat there for a year not being touched and looking like crap. About 3 months ago he dug it out some more and was going to put cement down instead of a liner. Well that didn't go anywhere. He put down a layer of it (after complaining about how much he needed to mix it) and then just stopped saying it wasn't going to work. Now it's been sitting there again for months and I ask him what he's going to do with it, which upsets him because he says he doesn't know and he's thinking about it. No he's not. He simply doesn't want to put any effort into it and would rather play video games, smoke pot and get drunk like an 18 year old. 

Then there's the fence that is practically falling down in the backyard that he has said over and over needs to be replaced. First he said he was going to do it, then after a while he said he was going to hire someone and kept bugging the neighbor who did his fence to have his fence guy call him and get a quote. But the guy never follows through so I said I could put something out on our neighborhood website that we were looking for a guy. We got several people giving recommendations and there was even one guy who lived 2 blocks over who said he could do it. I send H the name and number of the guy since I want him to take care of it and he said he would but has done nothing.

There's the truck that's been sitting outside our house for a year now never moving that either needs to be fixed or sold, but H says it's a big job. So I say just sell it which he says is a good idea, but putting any effort into putting it up online to be sold is too hard so it will continue sitting there.

He's got 2 motorcycles that don't run, but hasn't put any effort into fixing those for 2 years. He was all excited because his work offered to sponsor him in racing one of their bikes so he's leasing it for $100/month and all it is doing is sitting in our garage because it's not ready to race but he won't put any effort into getting it ready. However he spent $700 on parts and paid $400 for leathers, but has no desire to get it ready because he's too busy playing his video game for 6 hours a day.

The garage is a mess and needs to be cleaned, but he won't do that and I certainly can't do it because he doens't want me messing up his things. He has told me for 4 years how he's going to build a shed out back for the mower and garden tools/supplies so we can make more room in the garage, but hasn't.

Now he keeps telling me he needs to get his buddy up here to help him build a deck. But he doesn't want him to necessarily help him, just show him how to do it and then he can do it himself. Yup, right. There's half a dozen other things that need to be finished before he even thinks about this but this is just one more thing we HAVE to have that will be half ass completed and we'll never use it. Just like the fire pit he HAD to have that he insisted he knew how to do and is now crumbling and looks like shit which we never ever use.

He doesn't want to pay anyone to do anything because he says he can do it, but he can't. Then it gets crappily done and he just has that "Oh well, it's something" attitude.

It is driving me insane all these things that don't get done because of that damn video game. That's all he does on his days off along with drinking and smoking pot. When the power went out one evening for about 1 1/2 hours, he changed the oil in his bike and washed it. Ah something other than sitting on his ass! If that damn computer would just stay unplugged for the weekend along with the tv, there is so much that he would probably do. However he is so into that game that that just consumes him. He doesn't want to do anything on his days off because they are his days off. And he doesn't want to do anything when he gets home from work because he just wants to chill out. Yet I get home from work and in the 2 hours before he gets home I have scrubbed the kitchen floor, vacuumed, cleaned the bathrooms, put laundry in and watered the garden. But ask him to simply come and take a listen to my car which is making a noise to see if he can diagnose it is just infuriating for him after he just gets home from work.



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shrnp


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Hi Mapper,
That is a big to do list. I copied this it is about detaching. "You learn to detach, you learn to allow others to be themselves. You allow them to make their own choices and live their own lives, and you save your energy to work on building your life and a sense of self-love. You continue to love the addict or alcoholic, but you don't let him or her destroy you. Loving the other person doesn't mean you have to fix or rescue them. You can grow in acceptance that changing or controlling another person is impossible. And its OK." I would have to ignore that he doesn't do anything and find other things you can do to make yourself happy. Try a new hobby, do you have a flower garden, I read books. If you got to a face to face meeting you will learn different tools you can use to bring some serenity to your life. I remembered when I was married and my ex-husband would lay around watching sports and nothing got done. You have to focus on yourself and keeping your self healthy and happy.



-- Edited by shrnp on Tuesday 25th of July 2017 08:42:36 AM

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Sharon 
a4l


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Gee I hear you. I went through a stage of venting several posts just like this one. Sending you commiserations on what is a very annoying experience.

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Doingmybest


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Wow...were we twins in a previous life? Lol.. I lived that way growing up...Mother worked like a dog...Daddy worked, but otherwise caused more work than any ten people could have when he was home. He would just back up a dump truck and empty it, saying that he would get the "men" to take care of it tomorrow. He was an A of course, but he did get sober before he died...for more than 10 years!

After Daddy died, he left Mother with 8 trucks, two tractors, a low boy, some seriously heavy equipment, tons and tons of broken cement piles, an uncovered drain field line "ditch" that had grown weeds and even small trees in it, a yard you can't even imagine, and only God know what else? About a year after he died, Mother remarried (her high school sweetheart), moved out...taking her jewelry, some clothes, some pots and pans and that's about it. I was offered the house...uhhhh thanks, I think!

I spent a literal fortune and every day for years before we broke up all of the concrete from the old built I pool (filled with stinky trash, you know), sold all the junk vehicles (except the tractor which we paid to fix, but now doesn't work). All of the "income" went to Mother and the expense came to me! It was several thousand just to give up and pay someone to dig a giant hole (many) to bury the danged concrete (after making sure it was legal!!). Then came the house, where then drinking hubby had a friend help him with so many repairs...of course, they had to be done way more than once because the friend was getting paid in beer, gas money, additional money and they were drinking the whole time. Another buddy helped "fix" the attic floor....so my doorbell didn't work for the next ten years! Turns out, I got up there myself and the fool buddy had drunkenly screwed the screws into the stupid wires (which were live)!!! Let's just say I had a little "shock" with that one!!!! I finally learned to turn off the main power to the whole house after I nearly fell off of the kitchen table trying to fix a blanking broken ceiling fan!

For me, things changed after I was hurt (nothing to do with home or work...just one of those things).  I'm still hard headed and do what I can, but now I suffer too much if I over do it all and since RAH got sober (about 2.5 years ago), he does seem to help a great deal more...especially if I ask him to show me how to do something (like run our psycho lawn mower).  He got out there and took care of the problem!

Before he quit drinking, I just quit asking...and did whatever was necessary.  I called a repairman, when needed, hired who I wanted and sold off whatever I had the legal right to sell. I quit asking at all...not even stupid things like about hair cuts or things like that...I just did what needed doing.  He could complain, but usually didn't because I would tell him I knew how busy he was and didn't want him to have to be bothered with X...its amazing the surprise an A can have when they are no longer in charge of everything and everyone around them.

I am not recommending anything to you, especially because I have no idea how your A would respond and I don't believe in giving advice...but this is what I did in my life and it helped me.  Did I have issues and problems...absolutely!  But it was worth it to me and it still is. I can't handle the insanity too long (despite my current mess of a house).  I will likely clean everything up spotless (so long as my body holds out) tomorrow and then drag some projects back out one or two at a time.

We have even starated having yoyo nights now.  That is something I read here (I think).  It means "you're on your own" (for supper) or whatever 'cause Mama doesn't feel like it and I'm not the maid...she is on strike...and you better clean up 'cause I don't cook in a dirty kitchen!   Lol

Seriously, keep your chin up my friend.  Always remember AlAnon says "the A is going to do what he/she is going to do, what are you going to do"?  And, nothing is always a choice too!  Either way, you have support and understanding here.  We get it and we appreciate you!  



-- Edited by Doingmybest on Tuesday 25th of July 2017 12:42:18 AM

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Iamhere


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winkHey Mapper - I hear you and also can relate....all I know is that I grew up with parents that made sure 'everything' appeared perfect from the outside looking in. That applied to the cars, the yard, the house, the driveway, and carried forward to the home - clean, organized, etc. However, while all appeared perfect, there were 6 of us living together not really allowed to share feelings, emotions, fear, etc. Both of my parents are untreated ACoAs and it was like a bad family version of Stepford Wives....I was the rebel who decided this was absolute horse hockey and caused all kinds of 'reality' and 'chaos'.

However, even as the rebel, I brought forward so many of those distorted values. Given the chance to hang with a dear friend or clean the garage, I would clean the garage. I felt that everything had to look and be as close to done and perfect as possible. It was tiring, maddening and never ever perfect or caught up.

Enter my AH - sober at the time - oldest of 8 children. They (10 of them) grew up crammed into a small 3 BR house and viewed everything as temporary and disposable. We are complete opposites about so many things - I am one who believes in taking care of things and doing suggested maintenance while he believe in just using it, pitching it when it breaks and replacing it - whatever it is --- (Cars, Appliances, Tools, etc.) He is a pitcher and I am more of a packrat - another story for another day.

When he relapsed and never returned to recovery, everything went to he!! around 'here'. He does enjoy repairs (plumbing, electrical, etc.) and did not want things hired done. You can imaging how things piled up while he did his thing. As the disease progressed in our home, I grew more and more frustrated and angry. When I finally reached my own bottom, I had nothing nice to say about anyone or anything and truly blamed everyone for everything.

Recovery taught me that if I would keep my focus on me and live one day at a time, more would be revealed. It's worked that way for me. I am slowly working through the wreckage of the past in our home and we have 3 levels of repairs, updates, etc. to get through. It's no easy feat and I had to let go of all that I learned to 'value' as a child. Instead I have to just do what I can each day to make progress. I no longer choose to clean the garage vs. spend time with a friend and am working really hard on balance - one day at a time....play a little, work a little, grow a little, laugh a little and enjoy all that I can.

So - I learned that how I see things around me is not always as they are - I carry baggage with me just as all others do. I can work really, really hard and perfection will never be within reach. Changing how I view what's going on around me helps me to change how I spend my time. And, asking for help does really work, and as DMB suggests my AH will help if I specifically ask.

I will own the YOYO concept - I brought it here to MIP. I use it quite often and it works well....I put together a cheat-sheet of program slogans a while ago for a meeting locally and shared it here. I added YOYO and a few others for humor mostly yet I have added them to my life and program. Here's that cheat-sheet again for anyone who may want it!

(((Hugs))) - I do hear you and understand completely how it all makes you feel. I still pray almost every day to be productive in my never-ending quest to organize, downsize and purge....



-- Edited by Iamhere on Tuesday 25th of July 2017 07:33:24 AM

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
hotrod


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I have experienced many such situations and found that the best I could do was to  determine what was his sole  responsiblitiies such as motorcycles etc leave them to him and MYOB.    I could  then hire a contractor to do the remaining  work that was left undone. It was worth the money, as I was then able to maintain my serenity and the jobs completed.



-



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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Bo


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I too experienced this as well. I ended up having 15 "projects" -- some very major -- that didn't get completed...all for the very same reasons as your situation. Same same. It was very frustrating, and progressive. I started out with a brand-new, custom-built home, and ended up with unfinished, barely started, incomplete, non-functioning, looks disgusting, and so on and so on. Not only was it frustrating, but my frustration ended up getting worse and worse, and I got angrier and angrier.

While all this was going on -- first, she was NOT working. Second, she was sleeping (sleeping it off) until mid-afternoon. Third, she was not playing the role of a homemaker. Fourth, she was doing minor straightening up for a couple of hours a day, and then when I got home, she was "done" for the day and went into "dinner" mode, which most often involved ordering in or wanting to go out...and of course it involved drinking. Now, I am not focusing on her -- but more to portray where my head was at while this was going on and what I was facing on a day to day basis.

My life -- with her -- got to the point where I would ask for the smallest thing, and she would explode at me! Explode! So much of what was going on sounds so similar to what you are facing.

So, I spiked up my meetings. I started meeting with and talking more often with/to my sponsor. I immersed myself in ACCEPTANCE...and I don't mean that I would simply accept this behavior or situation. I don't mean that unacceptable became acceptable. Not at all. What I accepted was that this is who she is, and this is what she does, and she is not doing it to me...and even though all of that was true, it didn't mean I liked it and had to accept it. Just for today. And I didn't say that to myself hundreds of days in a row so that I accepted all of this for months or years.

I let go of the anger and resentment. I worked on me.

And then came the big step...the final hurdle...NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.

Sounds simple. But it isn't. My sponsor got me to focus on me and realize that this -- making change -- was going to come from me. Not her. So, I had to decide what changes I was going to make.

And that's what I did. And I got happy and healthy.

Keep coming back.

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Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 
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