The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my family has always enabled my father by doing everything for him. we would go to the bank, grocery store, pay his bills,...ect. he just pawned everything off on everyone around him. he knew we would never leave him homeless without food. he took advantage of that. he had such bad credit that no one would rent to him. but my hubbie pulled a few strings and got him an apartment. we payed his bills with his $$ and did everything for him. after 2 yrs, it got old! he was getting worse and worse. and he didn't appreciate us and was really degrading to us. so we threw our hands in the air and said that he can do his own bills and errands that we normally did. he acted like "sure, no problem-i don't need you." well, that was 3 months ago. he was 3 weeks late for all his bills in January, 3 weeks late in February, and has yet to pay his March rent. we don't talk to him anymore, because of a falling out. the only reason we knew about it was b/c the apartment complex called my hubbie to see what was wrong. i knew this would happen!!
don't get me wrong, i know it's not my problem. but when he gets evicted for not paying his bills guess who's door he's going to be at? so then i am going to be the bad guy leaving my dad homeless and broke. he won't have anywhere to go. like i said, he can't get an apt., he lost all his friends, and has broken off ties with his family. so the burden falls on me!! it kills me that i am going to be the bad guy, but i have no other choice.
if he comes knocking at my door...he can't stay with me-i'll never get him out if i do. i will take him to st. vincent homeless shelter and tell him i love him. i know if that happens i will never see him or talk to him b/c he will be furious. that will make me sad, but maybe something like this will be his rock bottom. maybe...maybe not.
it makes me so mad. i knew it would happen!! why can't he do this!!! i am not taking care of him anymore. it is not fair to me, my hubbie, or my kids. i have 2 toddlers who ask me why papaw falls "asleep" during meals and why he has trouble walking. so now i tell them that papaw is sick and we can't see him. i feel bad b/c they love him. but he has made no effort to contact my kids. if he loved them like they love him nothing could keep him away. but drinking is more important to him than everything including his friends, family, his life, his well being.
it sucks and i feel bad because i knew this would happen!!!
I can feel your anger, resentment, bitterness and feelings of guilt through your post. You're right, you can't keep taking care of him. Him not appreciating it is not the point, the point is that he is never going to try to be responsible for himself if he knows everyone else will take care of him. He probably assumes that you will come riding to his rescue. His bills were three weeks late, but he managed to get them paid right? It's hard not to feel guilty when comeone we love is drowning, but if we try to save them, we may be pulled under the water with them.
I completely understand. I have a sister that has 3 kids & a loser husband that never works. She is always crying the "Whoa is me!" blues so everyone in the family will fee sorry for her. We were all taking turns watching her 3 kids on Sundays for like 12hours so she could work. It was getting old. We finally said enough is enough...we found out that she had other options. When we refused to help her, she figured out another course of action. It was hard for us to do it....but we stuck to our guns and now she has a better work schedule & a great daycare system set up for during the week.
Moral of my story: when those whom we love take advantage of us - it hurts. If we continue to allow them to use us as a crutch, they will never learned to stand on their own 2 feet. It may break our hearts to tell them no and stand our ground but it may be just the thing they need to hear. Maybe your dad will be forced to seek professional help. This may be that last push he needs to see that he needs to do that. If not, maybe you can help him to see it.
Remember that we are here for you and you are in our thoughts and prayers.
Flint, you taking care of yourself, so you can take care of your kids and so that you and your hubby can continue to take care of your marraige. Bad guy? I think not.
By saying that he is making YOU the bad guy you are deflecting and accepting things at the same time. He's not making you anything. He might be putting you in a position you detest. But he is not making you a bad guy. By putting it in those terms you accepting that you are somehow bad and I think you know differently.
How he perceives you is the least of concerns, especially when he can't even perceive himself.
Like we say in umpiring. If you believe them when they say you are great you gotta believe em when they say you suck. Continue to believe in yourself flint.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Oh I am so sorry you have to deal with that. But you have to do what is right for you and if that means that he has to be homeless thats what it means, us didn't choose this for him, he did so no matter how it turns out you need to remember that. And you are right maybe it will his bottom or maybe it won't but what ever happens maybe it will comforting for you that you can say you aren't standing in the way of him reaching bottom.
You're doing the right thing Flint. Sure it hurts. But your and your family's well-being is of primary importance, and it's a good thing you understand and agree with that. Take care of yourself, hubby, and those precious toddlers. More than that can not be expected of you. Good luck, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Detach with love as you said you were going to. Tell your Dad you love him but it is making you sick emotionally to have to keep looking after his needs. Remember the 3 c's. Luv Leo xx
