The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to a meeting this morning that focused on Step 6 (Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character). We read some pages out of C2C and from Paths to Recovery (workbook). As is so often the case, this was a really pertinent topic for me. One of the readings talked about the author worrying about what would happen if her defects of character were removed -- would she just have a giant void in her being? They'd been with her for so long. Another author wrote about examining the reward she got from her defects. Both of these really resonated with me. I want to change. I wrote in my journal the other day "I can change!!!" because intellectually, I know that I can change, but I'm feeling scared, too. And as another poster here mentioned in another thread, I feel really good when I do the right thing and behave with dignity. I had coffee today with my oldest friend. She's been really prickly lately and I sometimes choose to stay away from her or get prickly in return. Today, I made the conscious choice to be gentle towards her and I did not repeat my self when I really wanted to. It was hard. It was the right thing to do, but it was a very conscious decision -- the courage to change my reactions and the serenity to accept that I can't change her mood.
One of the members at today's meeting shared feeling like she had "a foot in both camps" of the old, mostly unwanted behavior and the letting go and letting god to get to new behaviors. She shared the image of being an acrobat on the rings -- hanging from the behavior she wants to change, having the new behavior over on the other side, and having to let go in order to get to the other side -- and that letting go takes a lot of courage for me.
I'm trying hard to examine what reward/payoff I get from hanging on to the character defects/behaviors that I have identified as no longer serving me well and also accepting the fear I have of letting them go as I also have a fear of having a big emptiness in my personality and identity if I no longer have those ways of being as part of me. As I read this over, I realize that I am lacking the spiritual part of letting go here -- I'm feeling so much like "I can change" -- rather than asking for my HP to remove these things and that's a good awareness for me, too.
you sometimes I think character defects just offer the familiar. It's hard to let them go because it's different, and we feel we lose ourselves. I think that feeling goes away, when the new behavior takes the place of the old.
I found I made some headway when it was suggested to me that my defects were actually assets that I didn't know how to use properly. Like there are all of these super-charged parts of myself that I was mistakenly hating and giving away hand over fist when what I needed to do was slow down, conserve my resources (all of the aspects of me) and figure out, what traits do I actually need to be using for myself (for example having compassion, limitless forgiveness, always seeing the best in people etc) for myself...
I was giving everyone else what I desperately needed myself.
So for me it was less of a "letting go" of my defects as much as a re-education into how to use them for good. The more I get to know what I actually need to give to myself, the more I understand how to give to others in a healthy way. If that makes any sense!
for YEARS I had panic attacks. I thought they were a curse, but they weren't. That fear was a gift that showed me that something was wrong.That gift lead me to find help. That GIFT allowed me to change a lot of patterns of thoughts that were not helping me. I had the gift of FEAR! Fear tells us something is wrong. Fear says danger. That fear saved my life. Over time, I changed a lot of my behaviors. I've learned to listen to fear.
e_i_m - our meeting today was on Step 12 and it was awesome! I am centered often/always when I hear solutions at meetings from others who are actively working their program....I remember fear when I first saw Step 6 - many years had gone into the mold that was me! Of course, the fear subsided after I worked Steps 4 and 5, as those showed me where I had wronged others and took away my sense of uniqueness by sharing my defects out loud with another. I was reminded then and I am reminded now that this is a ready step, not an action step.
We as mere imperfect humans can't fix ourselves without a spiritual compass. We are asked to be ready and then let God/HP work his magic. From then on (I believe until we leave this stage of our existence) we are given opportunities to use our many God-given talents, values, characteristics, etc. in a better way. This helped me 'see' and 'accept' that I will not wake up one day full of patience, compassion and constant serenity and joy. Instead, I will wake up each day, remember my life is a gift, and do the best I can in unknown circumstances to respond instead of react - hopefully with courage, grace, diplomacy and kindness. My serenity and joy are directly proportionate to my ability to try and be the best version of me.
I mention patience first as it's always been a lacking element of my personality. I fidget, walk fast, talk fast, etc. always/often. Listening in meetings was almost completely impossible when I first arrived as I could not quiet my mind. Being still, actively listening and staying present are still at times conscious efforts for me. So - the defect is not removed, but it's greatly improved and that's all that is required.
"Were entirely ready to have God remove ..." - we only have to be ready and God will take care of us and the rest if we are willing to keep an open mind, stay focused on the here/now and seek a spiritual path. Thank God also for the 10th step, which was recommended nightly. This is for us to examine our day, see where we could improve and then try better next time.
The gift of the program for me is the journey - not the destination. I am grateful that I am uniquely me, defects and all. Each element of our being is what it is for a reason that we may never understand - the program suggests I accept me as I am, love me as I am and work to be the best version of me that I can be!
Great day - great meeting - great topic!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
