The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been thinking about my relationship with my ABF and I am seeing how he is so disrespectful toward me. He is angry all the time, as he is dry drunk, complains constantly about me not working-I am off work due to sickness and scheduled for day surgery on Monday. I see he has no compassion toward my illness and says I am making it up. I need to get back to work asap. He says you staying home is not good for you. He complains that he works 12 hours a day Monday to Friday and I do nothing all day! That is Bull. I have meals cooked for him when he gets home from work, I clean the house, and do what I can. He will not pick me up from surgery on Monday, as he has to work. I have my own income coming in and what I do is non of his business. I pay the bills around the house, my share. He gets paid and will not share a penny of his funds with me. Its all his money, he worked for it and expects me to use my money to buy things around the house with. He complains constantly about the world affairs and how the world is going to hell. He is so negative and bitchy. He has nothing nice to say to me. Its all about Him, him, him..and what is good for him only. He expects me to get off my ass and work when I am sick. I am so fed up with this BS. I am so tired of giving and giving to him and not getting anything back in return. I am done with this one sided relationship that feels like abuse to me. We hardly argue about anything, as I go along with what ever he says. I do not challenge him. I guess that is where I am at fault. I need to stand up for me and tell him to hit the road. There is something missing in this relationship, its called passion, it feels like a working relationship constantly. I am not getting what I need and want from him at all. He is cold, detached, all about him. I have stopped sleeping with him as there is nothing there. I feel like a roommate and I am being used by him. I have to change things around, and quit being there for him all the time and start standing up for me and walk away from him when he starts to complain and bitch about me and my inability to work. Yesterday, I was in such pain and complained to him and he said your wasting your time going for that surgery, the doctor will find nothing wrong with you as there is nothing wrong with you. I was like how heartless and a jerk you are. I am feeling so done and want out of this sick relationship. I can feel it in my heart that its not working and I am trying to revive a dead horse to life. I do not trust him, as he has recently gone out and spent the night with his ex-wife, and I feel used and abused by him. I want out so bad. I thought about this relationship and its all been about him the whole time, never about me. I feel it in my heart something is very wrong and my soal feels unsettled. I have thought about my past relationships and after the honeymoon is over, about the 2 year mark, my feelings change big time and my inside starts feeling unsettled about the relationship and its time to move on. I am feeling there is something very wrong here and I am not happy at all with him or the relationship. I feel its over. I feel disrespected, unloved, devalued, hurt, angry, miserable, no self esteem, just completely miserable. I am not getting love at all from him. None. I am just like a floor mat to him and I am like this is not right. I thought about the past 2 years with him and I see I am in a abusive relationship. I do not deserve this and I feel no support from him at all. I might as well, be alone, as that is how it feels in this relationship, if that is what its called. I am hurting inside big time and I need to start standing up for me and saying non of this BS anymore. I feel peace now that I know what I am dealing with, an abusive, unresponsive dead horse and I can not bring him to life. Its time to bury the horse and move on. I have to get a life for myself and get strong again and say see ya later. My self-esteem is so low now and I constantly worry about what he thinks and I better...I better have dinner ready for him, I better make his lunch, I better clean the house, i better this, that...as if he is god all mighty..the heck with what he thinks...his opinion means nothing...Its like I have lost myself again and he is not god. I have to get a life of my own...
Thanks for letting me share this...as I have been trying to figure out why I am feeling this unsettled feeling inside me...
From a man's point of view it sounds like you are taken for granted. NOW this next part you might not lIke but, perhaps making him earn your respect before giving of yourself is what sets the stage at the onset of the relationship. My wife does not work outside the home by her choice. Its not an issue unless she brings it up. All guys are different in how we talk to women. I hear my coworker talk to his wife on the phone and it is in no way respectful. I don't know why women allow it, boggles my mind they would stay even one more day. Perhaps these guys unconsciously sense your low self esteem and tap into that. I could never do that to my wife or daughter.....or hope I dont. It's calling shaming you to bring you down to their level. In general women who don't have self respect don't get respected. ...you have to demand the respect but to do that it takes self confidence and self respect......if it were me....time to move on and regroup.
The Alcoholic in my life was just like that. He is now dying from alcoholism. Once, before his drinking got out of control, he and his wife(now ex wife) were going on vacation. I had a one year old and a 3 year old. I had just moved, my mom was sick in hospital. I was helping my dad with the house. The two of them wanted me to watch their 3 children for a week. I said no. OMG I was a bad person, I was uncaring and a jerk. How dare I not watch their kids so they could go on vacation.
Once I was pregnant, and my dad had a heart episode. My three year old had the flu and I had the flu. I was about 2 weeks from delivering a baby. They refused to come help me when my dad was in hospital. They called me a baby and constantly yelled at me about how they were going to end up taking care of my parents as I was worthless. BTW I took care of my dad. Also no my mom.
More outrageous behaviors: They told me just put my mom in nursing home when I asked them to do a few things for me when I had to move her out of her assisted living. They constantly canceled on my children's birthdays and events at the last minute. They would arrive late and make excuses for everything.
So as you can see, when they were sober, they had a lack of empathy. It became much worse when their drinking problems escalated. Drinking or drugs just magnify the problems that are already there. In other words, this is who your boyfriend is and it's not likely to change unless he wants it to. Doesn't look like he wants to. Let us change ourselves to have empathy but to also have boundaries and not be taken advantage of.
When my AH was actively drinking he would belittle me, and ignore all I contributes to our life together.
I wasn't a good mom in his eyes - I was too controlling, or too cautious, my standards were too high for him.
I was never doing enough - I was in grad school, raising our son, wirking as a nanny in the side and took a year off from classes to get my head on straight while dealing with his active drinking. He didn't even notice until it was time to do our taxes and we couldn't take the full time student deductions. Then, he was mad at me for not working enough hours as a nanny when I wasn't in school.
That year I took off from school was the most important thing I've ever done. It set me straight, and I got clear on a lot of things. I finished grad school, and found my way to alanon. I'm still working through many things but, i'm done listening to abusive or negative judgements of my choices.
Sending you positive thoughts Joker. The only way I was able to break the cycles of drama/chaos in my life was through recovery and being around others who were living in similar situations and/or had done so. Nobody deserves to live with constant scrutiny, anxiety, drama and chaos. This disease brings some of that to our lives. Where recovery helped me was to examine me to discover why I tolerate, stay, endure and react to it all the way I do.
You are worthy of a peaceful, joyful life. Choose you and put your first. Good luck with your surgery - sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
For the record, I did not even ask any of my 3 (sons + husband) to drive me to recent out-patient procedures. I asked girlfriends for help. It was actually way less stressful for me to be with one who wanted to be there vs. one who felt put-out or obligated to be there. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Joker, sounds like you really already have your mind made up. This is like having an infected wound covered with a bandaid. It's scary to just rip it off and let it heal even though you know it's gonna hurt.
