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Being careing ,having compassion for a loved one are great assets to have within us,it's when my careing and compassion goes over board to the extremes of putting me in harms way that also builds resentments in me towards my qaulifiers, ive never been able to not take it to the extremes of how to just be careing and compassionate without taking it to extremes ??.....s.o.s......hugs lu
Morning LU-- great question. I know before program. My definition of compassion and caring was completely different than it is since I entered program.
Before program, my compassion and caring, forced me to try to fix people, take away their pain and in other words, negate their abilities to solve their own problems. When I look at my former actions I see that I felt the pain of others and so I tried to fix them and called it compassion Actually I was really trying to fix myself!!! When I take care of myself, I no longer feel others pain and can be truly compassionate
Entering Al-Anon and letting go of many of my destructive tools my empathy, compassion and caring changed. I learned to turn these around to myself, love myself enough to take care of me and then reach out to others.in a compassionate and caring way. This meant that I understood the pain, was supportive of their struggle, but did not try to take away their efforts because knew it was their battle and prayed for their success.
Being compassionate is a lovely asset and we find this when we enter an alanon meetings. It is the feeling of being understood and safe. If you can give this to others and allow them the dignity of solving their own problems even if you do not agree with their process-- this is empathy.
Working the Steps helped to clear up this confusion, as I no longer needed to fix others so I would feel better .
Your awareness is the first step. Remember it is awareness acceptance and then the action that works
LU - great post and great topic. I was a very black/white thinker when I arrived. So, I was all in or not in at all. It was a hard habit to shake. Under the best of intentions, I would swoop in, take control and then expect others to do as I suggested, and then get frustrated and blame them for all outcomes when they had a mind/plan/thought of their own. I shudder as I think about this! I am grateful the program helped me change!
I had to be taught how to use my boundaries properly to ensure I wasn't being anything more than compassionate and caring. So, while one is explaining to me the latest situation that has happened, compassion for me is listening and seeking to understand and offer encouragement. Any offer of assistance from me is crossing the border from compassion to risk of trying to control. If I am asked to assist, doing anything to minimize the natural consequence is enabling. Changing my plans to save another is enabling.
So - I have to take each situation, examine my motives, check my ego, align with my HP and then apply the tools as designed - with the goal of protecting my own sanity/serenity. My sponsor has really helped me with all this - suggesting that sometimes, all I should do is offer to say prayers for others. I tend to over-process and over-complicate things in my mind, and she's helping me to 'keep it simple'.
(((Hugs))) - always remember that it's about progress and not perfection!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I had to be taught how to use my boundaries properly to ensure I wasn't being anything more than compassionate and caring. So, while one is explaining to me the latest situation that has happened, compassion for me is listening and seeking to understand and offer encouragement. Any offer of assistance from me is crossing the border from compassion to risk of trying to control. If I am asked to assist, doing anything to minimize the natural consequence is enabling. Changing my plans to save another is enabling.
IAH this describes me to a T, I am a enabler ,and I do it at my own risks and risks to others,ppl come to me a lot help,place to stay,drive them somewhere ,etc,and it seems I put my own self at risk when I do these things ,ex: gave a young man a ride to the grocery store to buy him and his mom food and he came out of store with a ton of groceries under his shirt which blew me away ,then another instance where I helped a person only to find out later this person was putting my life at risk by where he had me take him to,drugs ,so I've ended everything ,today I take nobody nowhere for fear of not knowing ,I also have a Freind ,I love to peices and I'm trying to show just compassion and empathy in her sit. But it seems I tend to fall weak with some ppl like her she is just a sweety inside and out,she is very lonely ,lonesome,she goes to class with me ,I've taken her under my wings so to speak just want to spoil her she is way away from her home state ,and most all her folks all live in Ohio ,here she ends up in miss. Ouch,I understand that I can only show her compassion that it is her journey not mine.....thanks IAH and Betty again like always your wonderful insight and esh....hugs lu
Me too LU - makes sense and you're processing, which means you're progressing!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you IAH ,I really needed to hear it from my alanon family here,it seems I just can't see myself processing much,I may be looking at myself in the wrong way........this is great to know that I am indeed progressing....
ive never been able to not take it to the extremes of how to just be careing and compassionate without taking it to extremes ??.....s.o.s......hugs lu