The material presented
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I came across this in another board and thought it posed an interesting topic.
While I was with my XAH I could not see beyond my thoughts and feelings regarding the alcoholic. I was so focused on saving him because if I did somehow I would be rescued. What I did not realize was that I was also drowning and two drowning people can't save each other add to the fact that the other person had a concrete block they were hanging on to and would float to the top if they just let go. I didn't see the that he was holding himself down through his own addiction.
After starting Alanon and getting over the whole look what the dumb a$$ did to me mentality .. although there are times that statement is totally TRUE .. you can't stop someone from being who they are .. grrr .. that's a different issue .. lol. I started realizing how much of myself I had just pushed aside. I wasn't taking care of myself on any level. My blood pressure was through the roof consistently, my weight wasn't out of control however I could stand to be in better shape (that's a true statement now although I have a plan at this point, things need to calm down .. LOL), I forgot what I liked to do or what even my favorite color was, .. you know .. someone would ask me what did I like to do and it would dumbfound me. What did I like to do? What did I need from a relationship? Both of those were both really difficult questions because I didn't know what I needed from a relationship because I had never asked the question. As far as what did I like to do .. LOL .. I had rout answers that were go to answers. The better question was when was the last time I had done those things.
I also realized that I am a horrible communicator .. LOL .. Now had you asked me that while I was with my XAH .. I was great!! In the shadows of my own mind I sure was .. LOL. I had so many moments of thinking I was speaking English and finding out apparently I am fluent in Chinese and didn't know it .. LOL!
I neglected my kids. I don't mean that I forgot to feed them, or take them to school, .. I mean I was completely unaware of situations that were brewing and I am dealing with those consequences at the moment. They won't do permanent damage .. however parentingfailrus.com I am at the top of that list. I really have tried to raise my kids without the issue of them spending more than a couple years recovering from their childhood .. lol .. sad however true statement.
So my needs beyond that of the alcoholic in my life .. that's a difficult question that today I have a better answer for however in the throws of survival mode I was lucky I could fake my favorite color when someone asked vs I know what it is today. Sometimes it even changes based upon the day. As far as what I like to do, I have wonderful friends who surround and love me where I am at, so we do dinner, talk solve first world problems and do a LOT of laughing. I like to write so I have also been doing that as well. I am dating a very nice man who is learning about himself and I like that as well. I am treated with the respect and love I deserve vs begging for something that my XAH couldn't give and still struggles with his children to do just that. I am now better at removing myself from his issues and focusing on what I can give the kids that will help them heal. So I look to coping skills and trying to create a much more joyful atmosphere.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I think I am overly dependent on others to feel okay. I am working on that. For example, when my son misbehaves at school, I feel it too personally. I didn't do the action, he did. I sometimes feel afraid of being alone.
I like peace, quiet, cleanliness, freshly washed bedding. Mysteries on tv. podcasts on my tablet. Nice little meals. Cooking. Quiet chats with a friend. One at a time. Dont enjoy groups of friends. I like listening. Walking. Nice clothes. Doing my hair and make up. Favourite colour is duck egg blue. Al-anon program. Just a sample of things I like. In the past I had no idea what I liked. Thank you, Al-anon.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Sunday 30th of October 2016 02:29:23 PM
Great awareness Serenity - it's always so good to 'see' ya!! I have many interests and like many things. I am still finding things I enjoy as well as things I don't enjoy. I have to give my sponsor credit for encouraging me over and over to try new things/different things. Calm Lady - love you list and we'd do well.....I would have to add softball, music and small groups of good friends! Anne - great awareness - in working the program, I was set free from what other people think about me, life, things. I too spent too much energy before the program trying to please others and worrying about what they think. Great thread! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think this a wonderful topic. When I was with my addict, and he was at his worst. I remember sitting at my dining room table wondering why my hands were shaking so hard. I for months had focused on 'saving him.' If Only I tried this, or did that, or fought harder earlier for him to go to treatment.... I had constant interruption with his drama. EVERY DAY!
For months I felt like I was not in control of my day. I couldn't do anything with out him showing up, texting me an emergency, needing money, threatening suicide, something. In the middle of that I had two kids. I tried to insulate them from it. But they knew, and thought he was scary.
I felt horrible, because I parented on autopilot. But really, LIFE was on autopilot. The captain was gone, dealing with my ex, and until the pilot got back in control and I merely existed. I tried posting quotes on the fridge to help solidify my values. (like a taped up handbook of how to be a good person) I tried going to church frequently with my kids to give them some stability and hope, and it gave me the same. It helped be be able to maintain in my autopilot state.
A turning point was when I finally prioritized something else first. It was Halloween and I was sewing costumes for my kids because we had no money to buy them. It was the morning of Halloween and I was trying to finish. He called with some story of I had to leave my house and meet him, it was an emergency ( life and death emergency) and I drew a boundary. I said, "no I have to finish this the kids are counting on me and it is what I want to do. " Somehow, once I started being able to articulate a boundary I was able to get in touch with myself again. I was by no means magically cured. Rather, I felt like I could be in control of my day. I could say *I* need something, and do it. Instead of saying, "I need something, but if I don't give it up this person could die." It was always so dramatic in my head. But I stopped buying in, and gained some self back. It was the beginning of UP for me.
UP lead to me, and it was so very good to be me again!
Oh I'm still figuring this one out! All the things I thought I needed turned out to be wants. But I'm glad you posted this because it helps me to think. I need clean and ordered space. And regular time alone with no responsibility to anyone else's needs especially their laundry needs. Its all those self care things really but boy do I feel it when I let it slide!
. Calm Lady - love you list and we'd do well.....I would have to add softball, music and small groups of good friends!
You made me smile.
I am realising my issue with not liking being with a large group of friends or acquaintances is is that I can't stand everyone talking at once!! I have had far too long in situations of that going on. Hence I thought I needed one to one.
I am now seeing that this isn't that accurate, what I actually need/want are friends who listen! Ones who are either in a program like me who have learnt to shut up and take turns talking. Or another way of putting it, have good manners and don't crush out everyone else!
I am saying this completely owning the fact that I used to be a dreadful over talker and non-listener!!! I thought it normal. i am amazed no over ever slapped me for my rudeness! I was like a train thundering along!
I like now listening to others. Having hung up my cloak and crown of knowing everything and ruling the world!
Gosh, it was exhausting and what a pain in the neck to everyone around me.
In our preamble at group it says about not interrupting and that the meeting might be the only chance a person gets to be heard. Love love love that.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Monday 31st of October 2016 05:31:01 AM
I chuckled about your post because I fully can relate. It's so different and lovely that I've found a group of like-minded people who are properly socialized! I too grew up in a family where we all talked over each other and then my home as an adult became similar. Every ego at play and all wanting to be right and I just thought this was normal....so grateful Al-Anon gave me insight into better ways of loving interchanges. I too do much better with my serenity and my sanity when there is order - it's just the way my mind functions. I am capable of enduring chaos, just prefer order. The program gave me the awareness that we are each different and I can respect the differences and even learn from them while seeking the similarities. All I truly 'need' today is a belief in a higher power and the gifts of Al-Anon. The rest does seem to fill in around me. Make it a great Monday all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am having a lovely Monday, thanks, IAmHere. Lol. I like house trained or socialised people now that I am house trained myself. Like puppies learning how to socialise nicely! I can't stand the clash of egos and big old boosting fights. My car is bigger than yours. My illness is worse than yours. I have a bad leg, well my leg dropped off! Etc. I avoid spending time with people like that. All I see and feel coming off them is fear. The boosting, shouting feels like their fear within my body. If that makes sense. Some emotions I feel radiating off people. I am too darn sensitive for my own good. Like you, i do well in peace and quiet, in chaos shouting mania not so much. I retreat like a tortoise into my shell. I can handle it but wonder why I would want to.
Thank you for sharing, I think your post shows lots of growth serenity. It reads like a step 4 to me. I share many similarities with you, my ex my obsession my neglect of my childrens emotional needs. I too couldnt give them what I didnt have but now I feel ive got it to give much more thanks to alanon. Getting to know myself and what I like to do isnt as easy as it sounds. I still look for outside distractions at times and my obsessive traits kick in quite a lot but I can see it now and thats the difference. Im not in denial like I was and I can tell when I need to look more within because when I look out I get that discontent feeling because Im looking in the wrong places for things like approval, love, attention etc. Its all within me and its up to me to get these things for me.
Im so happy you have found someone, I cant believe I have too and its amazing to me I would get to this stage and be able to take my life in this direction, I have healed enough to have restored faith in the human race and me.
I surrounded myself with alcoholics and addicts. It took me a long time to see that I was bringing these people into my life so I could focus on them and their chaos, because I prided myself on being a "fixer". That was my thing - seems to be a lot of us felt that way :)
I didn't know too much about myself until just recently! I love to cook. I'm vegan, so I spend time creating new recipes or finding some online. Chopping things with a giant knife for an hour can be very therapeutic!
I do love to help others, but being relatively new in Al Anon I want to wait until my head is on my shoulders properly until I get myself back into service work. I want to know I'm serving people properly & not with the intent to find validation.
Once my kids are older and I have more free time, I would like to volunteer at one of the local animal rescues.
I realized that I love music. My parents wouldn't let me listen to music I liked at home when I was younger. If I found something I liked, they usually took it away from me, they said it made me all wiley.
I then married a DJ, so he controlled all the music in the house. Divorced him & got with a new music snob. I always handed the listening options over to others.
For the first time in years, the other night, I went on youtube and listened to a bunch of music that I LOVE and felt so much joy! I think I'm gonna get myself an ipod one day and jam on.
I still find it really hard to think about myself. I'm not sure if it's where I am in my recovery, or because my kids are so small, or a combination of both.
I am raising my 3 boys on my own and don't really get the opportunity to think about me. My life is about them.
Right now, my me time is Al Anon meetings. My oldest son is old enough to babysit, but I never left him to do it because I felt guilty about leaving them. He's happy to do it, plus he makes $5 in the deal. Win/win :) I've started leaving the house for my meeting once a week, and for me, that's enough right now. That was a big step in itself. With more time in recovery, I'm hoping to learn more about myself and hopefully I'll go out and explore what's out there on this beautiful planet of ours! So strange, how you can live in a body your whole life, and know absolutely nothing about yourself!
