The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can't take it anymore. I worked so hard to get away from these people. Then in one week Brother's kids call me to fix all this. I cut off the nephews and niece. One nephew is in with a bad crowd, the other keeps losing jobs and wrecking cars. The niece was stealing from my brother while he was drunk. Niece posted pictures of herself on facebook high on weed and falling down. She and her friend were drinking and the friend almost died. Friend had to be taken to hospital. My niece also drank a boatload of liquor but didn't get taken to hospital. I don't want any part of this. I tried helping over the years and it didn't work. These people are like leaches. My mother gave them money which they all wasted. They don't see my mom. They are screw ups. I fell guilty for cutting them all off. I am going to go down and see my brother in convalescent home, but I just want to wash my hands of this. My kids and husband are good and we just have a normal life with normal problems that don't include substance abuse and jail.
I need to work on being more independent, because this has really floored me.
Alanon face to face meetings helped me to accept that alcoholism is a dreadful disease over which I was powerless.
By "Accepting" that this is a disease, I could then see that by interacting with it in my usual fashion , I was hurting myself. Alanon offered me new tools so as I could interact in a healthy fashion which kept me coming back.
Letting go of unrealistic expectations and living life on life's terms was one of the gifts I received.
There is help and hope .
So sorry Lucy! Don't know if a sermon I heard from a wonderful pastor will help you or not but it certainly did wonders for me. I also have relatives that are in constant turmoil through poor life choices and any relationship with them is very stressful and tiring. But my mother raised us to take care of each other and so I found it very difficult to interact with them and not be dragged down into their endless destructive nastiness. Every family gathering had me coming home drained and angry and defeated.
Then I went to church one Sunday and the topic was forgiveness. I fully expected the pastor to say that we have to forgive and keep trying to uplift those troubled souls in our families. To my wonder, he preached that yes, we have to forgive but that forgiveness is for ourselves as only a HP can grant grace to transgressors. But we also have to detach from 'poisonous relationships', remove ourselves as best we can and seek our own path. He said we need to keep a distance from those who drag us down and we should not feel guilt in maintaining that distance.
For me that was such a relief. It was like a huge burden of shame in wanting to disassociate from some of my family members was lifted and I was free to still love them maybe but at a distance.
I also have little or no contact with my sister who is still using and refuses to do anything about it. She has two kids, both grown, one is in prison and the other refuses to work, both substance abusers, and so far neither shows signs of changing their behavior.
I love them all, but I cannot fix them, change them, nor can I be around them much because their crazy makes me crazy and I choose not to become crazy. I love them but will not be around the sickness. If they ever get serious about changing their lives, drop their substances and get some real help in AA or NA, then I will do whatever it takes to help them. But for now, they are making their own choices by staying in the disease, when all three know about AA and NA, they just choose not to recover.
I do understand the nature of this disease and the power of denial. It doesn't matter how far down a person gets, if he/she is in denial that denial is their higher power.
Thanks So so much. I printed this out to read to myself I went to meeting today. I need to let go the guilt. He won't speak to me, so I sent a message. I told him we loved him. That is it. I am working on the guilt. I don't hate anyone and I forgive them, but I won't be dragged into this quagmire of bad choices and self destruction.
Bless you, no need to feel guilty over something we cannot fix or control. I'm sure thousands of loving family members would do anything to help get their sick ones well, but it seems to be the only disease in the world that denies it is a disease and refuses treatment. All we can do is pray for them.
