The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wanted to thank all of you for your responses to my post(bruised). It really helped me.I am going to the women's center on Friday morning. I have also begun looking in the paper for some apartments, and I found one I am going to call. the thing about my A/abuser, is that he doesn't really do the whole apology it will never happen again thing. He saw one of my bruises, and said "sorry about that"but that was it. I am finding for the first time that I have to deal with me and focus on ME! Everytime my mind wonders to why did he do it? or does he love me? I bring it back to the fact that it does not matter why he did it or if he loves me. I have to do what is best for myself and my kids, and I believe that means leaving him.
I am working now on a plan to get out. I told my parents, who live about 45min away, and they said I could stay there. I am going to take some clothes the next time I go, so that if we need to go there, we have some stuff. I know this will get worse. I do at times think "not my a. he would never kill me" but I never thought he'd hit me either. He is at this point acting fine, like nothing happened. I saw his bar bill from the other night. it was $48. He got there at 11:00. I don't know what he drank, or how much, or if he was buying for someone else. I am assuming he drank whiskey, b/c that would explain the bill, and the abuse. again though, that does not matter. he will not change. I know this. It hurts so badly. I do love him so much. But I am worth more than that. I think about what would happen to my kids if he did kill me, and he was in jail, and it is not fair to them to grow up without me. Or to grow up and see this, and think it is ok.
So again thank you. I am trying hard to focus on myself. It is not easy, after so long spent on focusing on someone else. But I will get there. One day at a time.
I am very proud of you Leah. Sounds like you are putting one foot infront of the other. That is all we can do sometimes. The three C's....didn't cause it, can't control it, AND can't cure it, that one of the first things that spoke to me in Alanon....for a while it was all I could hold on to.
Please, continue to keep us up to date and know that you are not alone.
For me, the thought of my kids has been the only thing that has gotten me through some hard decisions - thinking "How can I ever say to them again 'Do the right thing', if I don't do the right thing now"?
I have also found that once I make the hard choice, and do the hard thing, it's like there is an angel waiting there for me to choose. Thing end up being easier than I feared, many of the things I worried about so, never happened.
You are worth more than to live in fear, good for you.
I'm proud of you lilleah. This will be a long post but I really needed to share some stuff with you. I hope it may help in keeping you strong in your resolve or perhaps help another. It may not be easy but in my opinion, you have to keep yourself and your family safe. You are now giving yourself options. As you said, what would your kids do if you were dead or disabled? Even if your partner wasn't in jail, would you want them to be raised in that situation?
My Dad used to beat up on my mum. He was very devious/calculated about it. Never bruised her where it showed etc, but even as a youngster I knew it was happening. It affected me very deeply. It was astounding how aggression became acceptable as the yard-stick was violence. We all learnt to throw things and yell as a way of expressing ourselves, it became 'normal'. For my Dad, it was clearly all about control, he ruled through fear. I was the only one who wasn't afraid of him. Probably I was too stupid to be afraid but strangely I never got 'beaten'. I was pushed once and slapped round the face once. Both were unacceptable to me and I said as much! Looking back today, I'm amazed he didn't go ballistic on me! I have two brothers and they both 'got it' the older one worse than the younger. Many times I saw my Mum try to protect them and divert the abuse onto herself.
I understandably had many issues around this and one day at a time, I'm working through them. When I was older, I began to question (in my head) why my Mum never left. Years later I discovered I had a resentment towards her for not doing more to keep herself and her babies safe, I just could not understand. Then I felt guilty for resenting my Mum when in my heart I believed she did the best she could. One day I was able to speak with her about this as Al-anon gave me the tools. It was a heartbreaking conversation and I'll just say she had some very good reasons. We both cried. My Mum always taught me to love and respect myself and expect others to as well yet her example left me feeling conflicted. I am eternally grateful that she tried to instill these values in me despite her experiences.
My unmoveable goal-post was the threat of violence. One night my A returned after a 6week 'unexplained' absence. He had never been in any way aggressive, never even raised his voice, let alone be violent. This particular night, I came out of the bedroom, running-off at the mouth then stopped dead in my tracks. I did not recognise the man before me. There was no trace of my husband in there. Whatever he had taken he was 'way out there' and long gone. My only thought was "Maria, shut up now-dead woman breathing!" (That's the edited version) Instinctively, I realised that this person could hurt me and not even know it. It was the first time I had known cold fear. I knew my husband would never be able to live with his conscience if he hurt me and knew I owed it to us both to keep myself safe.
I removed myself from the situation and when he 'came down' or sobered up I asked him to leave. To this day, he has no recollection of the incident, he just remembers me telling him about it afterwards. I believed "no, not my A" but in that moment anything could have happened, thank God I had enough program to do the right thing. As it turns out, he found recovery and we are now reconciled. We did not resume our relationship until he had a fair bit of sobriety under his belt as I was not prepared to risk my personal safety and he understood this.
I truly hope this helps and wish you strength in your decisions. Much love
P.S Sadly for me, while I was not with my husband, I ended up in a (brief) relationship with a recovering alcoholic (13th step!-just a heads up, I never knew about that). He supposedly had 4yrs recovery. It wasn't enough as one night things got ugly and he threw me across the room. I had to fight back in order to get to the phone. I called the police immediately to have him removed from my home (all the while he was trying to take the phone from me) he left before they arrived.
I can't tell you what a relief it is to read this. I know I don't know you in person, but I have been thinking about you and hoping you would find the strength to come to this decision on your own. Good for you for respecting yourself and caring about your kids enough to do something difficult. Be safe.
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
Good for you!! I know many others have said the same thing, but I think the more we hear it the better we feel. I know this had to be the hardest decision to make. I hope that you find peace in the days ahead and comfort! You know your decisions are good for yourself and for your children! I am proud of you. Stay safe!
leah, thank you so much for sharing your experiences, as you make these changes that are so hard to follow through on you are inspiring us all to make those difficult decisions that we need to make to take care of us and our families. i too found it helped to make healthy changes by thinking about what my children’s' future could be if there were no changes. i also struggle with the same thing as you describe, focusing on yourself. but you are worth it and so am i. thank you so much for helping me! i send you all my love and support!
