Need some advice....is this normal - Al-Anon Family Group

nanasgirl · Newbie

Need some advice....is this normal

Powerless · Senior Member

I can only speak from my experience and from what I have observed when I worked at the local detox. Changes in mood and behavior can be quite normal after someone quits drinking/drugging. They no longer have alcohol or drugs to numb the pain that thay were hiding from. Many people go through a depression after stopping. One thing that is happening is that their chemistry in their body is trying to level out. Another thing, they are no longer in a stupor and are beginning to realize the things they have done and the people that have been hurt. That brings on feelings of guilt and as we know, guilt can lead to anger. I know it is tempting and you mean well, but try not to ask him about him recovery. My husband often tells me that I don't have to say a word, he can see my eyes searching his face for any signs of use, cravings...He says it makes him very uncomfortable. Keep working your program and learning as much as you can. Just try to give him some time and space.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Imagine being on crutches as long as he has used then take them away. It would be a very hard time of trying to live without them, also knowing the disease may come back totally at anytime and he may need crutches again.

This is where you take care of you and not focus on him at all except to greet him, be polite, caring, but not mothering. Get into swimming, reading, riding horses, planting flowers, whatever your passions are. Look at you. Do you like to get your nails done? hair? toes? go get massages, go for walks, play with the dog or cat or pig whatever. But finally live for YOU.

I promise you will feel better and so will he. He needs you to be there but give him lots of space to get well. He is a walking open wound in every way right now. Go to open meetings with or without him.

The book,"Getting Them Sober" is great. It helps me so much I know a lot by heart. I wish mine was here working on him. But I have had to let him go and let hp when I had NO idea where he was. Now I look at me and not him. My life does not depend on how he is.

When they think we are hovering it puts more pressure on them. To see us happy and going on with our lives, being loving and polite, they feel less pressure and more likely to get well. Many need to leave to get well. he love you, wants you happy, gives him more guilt if he things he is making you miserable. Does that make sense?

So I would take advantage of this time and find you and be nice to her. Learn to be ok and have fun on your own or with friends. Now for me I would not even have alcohol around or drink in front of him. That is me. I don't drink anyway. They are working a program not to drink. So I believe to show support I am not going to drink either.

Mine said it did not bother him. But I didn't do it anyway.

Glad you are here. love,debilyn

alystylz · Veteran Member

Hi Nanasgirl

I can definetly relate to what you are saying. I don't think getting rid of the liquour when it is something that he was told to do in rehab, and probably told not to do his self if there was any apprehension for him is a bad thing. Personally, and this is just my experience, we don't keep 'any' liquour in the house at all. My husband and my son are both recovering alcoholics and I was told by my sponsor and also by the treatment center that even if they say its 'ok' I should not have it in front of them, or on my breath. They are trying to recover and it is only out of respect for them. This does not mean that I can never have a drink. In fact when my husband was first sober, and even into it a few years I did drink when we were out together. He relapsed and shortly later told me how much it bothers him when I would drink around him or have it on my breath. Today if I choose to drink, which I normally don't, but if I do, I make sure that I do not drink more than one or two glasses of wine and that I do not drink or drive, and that I am not around my alcoholics smelling of alcohol. It doesn't bother me to not have alcohol, there are so many lovely non alcoholic drinks or even virgin-drinks, and its just not something that is that important to me. I suggest for your reading...Living with sobriety (al-anon conference approved) which you can pick up at your meeting, or have them order for you for about $2.50. And the big book of alcoholics anonymous 'to the wives' section. It explains the disease a lot better than I have ever heard before.

Hugs

Aly

Dolphin123 · ~*Service Worker*~

nanasgirl,

In the past I have outright asked my "A" what he wanted me to do, how best did he feel I could support his efforts in recovery. He tells me, and if I am comfortable with I do it if not I tell him so. I know I have no control over his recovery, and nothing I say or do will make it work or not work. I did it for me, so I wouldn't be second guessing myself.

I have also seen that he pushes me away when he no longer has the numbing effect that drugs and alcohol bring. He feels guilty for all that he has done to me and the kids. He doesn't know how to deal with those feelings, so he treats me badly. It isn't a pleasent reality, but it is what he has done.

As for the alcohol, I myself have chosen to not keep any in the house. My "A" has told me that I shouldn't have to do that, and has never asked this of me, but it is my choice. I don't see it as a sacrifice since I wasn't that big of a drinker anyway. (A six pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade could last me over a month if he wasn't getting into it )

It is funny to me that you say you feel guilty when you have a drink when you are out for dinner. So do I, but my "A" encourages me to if I want one. If I do I do, if I don't I don't.

For me, I shouldn't have to give up anything that I don't feel okay with giving up just because he is an "A". He will relapse if there is alcohol in the home or not. That is my thought on that.

Keep coming back.

Much Love,

hudsond · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience has been a little different from eveyone else's. My a husband was/is communicative when sober--now that's sober not dry! I have found there to be a big difference there. Dry is not drinking, sober is not drinking and working on being a better person (that's my personal definition anyway!)

I choose to not have any alcohol in the house and I wouldn't drink around him either. My choice, I have never been a drinker of anytype anyway. But I would just do that out of respect for him-knowing that while it isn't my problem anything I could to to help and not put pressure on him is good.

You do what you feel is right for you and your household.

I hope that he can find a way to start talking to you again and feel comfortable around you again.

Good luck to you.

Dawn

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website – WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Phone number is 1-888-425-2666

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting

online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· Set up a support system. People that I can call that have helped me through good an bad times. These people do not judge me, which is very important.

Have a sponsor. Someone that I work one on one with.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

Come and enjoy chatting with people it is fun and u will find support.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.