The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so frustrated today. My best friend of 20 years is driving me nuts about my "a". It was her idea for me to go to alanon, so for that I am thankful, but she can't f-ing let it go! Every time she talks to me, she asks me if my a is drinking, what I am saying to him/doing about it, etc. It drives me nuts! Especially since I am trying to be happy regardless of what is happening with him. I have told her FIVE TIMES that I don't wish to discuss this and that certain things are between my a and I. She keeps saying she won't talk about it but then she always does. She says, "well, I would hope if you were worried about me, you would tell me". The $#!tty part of me feels like she is doing this because for years, I always had boyfriends and she didn't. Now, she has her first, (she is 26) and is talking about marrying him. So I feel like she is trying to say that my relationship is crap and hers is wonderful all the time to "get back at me" for that. Does anyone else have friends who do this? I hardly want to talk to her anymore.
__________________
**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
Sometimes I have in the past shared too much information about my relationship problems with friends and family. I hate it when they would say things to me to "rub it in". I agree that it is none of her business...and I would not like it if it was used to hurt me either. I have just distanced myself from those people and I also am careful what I say and to whom.
Yes, I can sympathize. I have gotten to the point where I don't share things with my friends anymore unless they are really familiar with the program. It's hard to watch your friends go through things that you don't think you'd go through yourself. So people outside of Al-Anon (and some within) sit in judgement when we're doing exactly what we are supposed to do...or at least what we're able to do.
I usually tell my friends as little as possible. I find my conversations with them are a great time to focus on ME and not my A. This works well for two reasons, #1 I'm putting myself first and #2 I keep things private. Sometimes when I'm feeling desperate, I want to call one of them but I've been getting really good at contacting other Al-Anon members or finding an online chat or something.
Another thing you could try, when asked about your A, focus only on the things that ARE good. If he has been drinking, it's really none of her business. So, if she asks specifically, you could tell her, "He hasn't had anything to drink since the last time," which is a true statement and ambiguous enough to make her think the last time she asked.
Anyway, I don't know if anything here is helpful. Take what you like, leave the rest, and know that I can identify with what you're saying!
Once you are comfortable enough to get a sponsor to put the tools of the 12 steps in to place in your life.., such as Letting Go and Letting your HP / God take care of what you did not cause, you can not control and you can not cure..... your friend will relax ( if she already understands the Alanon / AA 12 step program. )
Keep Looking uP! Your in my prayers to find inner peace so that you can let it go and let God.
Hello, paint, Thanks so much for your post. I know you are frustrated. In my own experience, I have learned that as I grow through the program, some relationships don't work for me the way they always did. When I learn to recognize my feelings, things change. I have had to set new boundaries for some relationships, and I've had to let go of some relationships. I have learned to be very careful about friends. I don't need friends who try to get back at me. I'd rather have someone who shows care and concern for me, and who accepts my limits. All you really have to do is to work the steps with a sponsor, go to meetings, and trust in your hp. Change will come to you. Thanks for being here. Blessings, mebjk
Hi you are doing great trying to set the boundary but your friend is breaking it. I find it very hard to confide in someone who is not living with a partner with a drinking problem. Bottom line is I don't trust them enough not to break my confidence. Maybe you could just say thanks for asking I value your friendship and give a simple yes everything is fine. Sometimes we get caught out by giving a little too much information when we are not comfortable with it. Luv Leo
