So much has happened between my "a" and myself over the weekend.  I cannot share this with anyone other than my fellow Alanoner's because my family is going to go through the roof over this one.  My "a" cancelled his visit with the kids on Sunday because he was busy moving into a bigger place, cleaning it up, and doing laundry.  He didn't fully share this with me when he cancelled.  I was fuming and after a day of what I had before I was ready to explode.  I did, it felt F....... great!!  Well, of course my outburst gets his attention and we began talking about my anger, his anger, etc.  He was finally able to come out and tell me about this "new" girl.  He admitted that he took it to another level, and basically said that for him she was a comfort and a shoulder to cry on, but doesn't love her.  He expressed to me that this girl is moving way too fast talking marriage and moving in together after five weeks of knowing each other.  We ended the conversation as we would go to the counseling appointment to discuss what steps to take next.  I agreed. 

The next morning I awoke with an overwhelming feeling of grief and regret.  I thought back to all the arguments and began to realize how much I allowed the little things to stir me up.  God I was such a miserable person.  Because of my bitching and complaining about the little things, when the big things would happen which wouldn't be every week, these were occassional big things, I exploded into rages and anger, he exploded too because he not only had to take my constant nagging and bitching, but then I'd be completely unapproachable.  I realized how I could have avoided so many arguments if I had just let the little stuff go that really wasnt important and conserve my energy and emotions to focus on me and my life.  I stifled my life and I took away my "a's" dignity, ability to be who he is, and grow as a person.  How toxic I was.  I had to come to reality with my fears about drinking.  My "a" is not an everyday drinker, he rarely got blitzed in front of the children.  He loves music and being who he is.  Yes, we worked power and control over each other.  He was fighting for the freedom to be who he is, and I was fighting to mold him into this person I thought he should become.  Except the person I fell in with I knew all his faults and yet I fell in love because there is more to him than his faults. 

In the last six weeks, he has been able to verbalize that expressing his emotions and being honest in the home was scary for him, because I didn't listen, I reacted.  I heaped guilt and persecution on him when he already felt crappy.  Something happened to me yesterday that I can't explain except to say it was an awakening of my spirit, soul whatever.  This is my family, this is the man I love and want to be with.  I had to push out what my parents and family members were urging me to do, and finally ask myself what I wanted.  I want my family back together, I want to continue to grow and heal and allow my partner to be who he is.  The weekend we spent together two weeks, ago I let myself go, I let my hair down and I had the best time I'd had in years.  We were safe, we were listening to each other and appreciating each other.  I allowed the night to happen with out manipulating and controlling and it was wonderful.  That glimpse allowed more thoughts of letting go to appear. 

Yesterday my "a" and I sat down for lunch and I expressed all this to him.  At first he thought I was crazy.  He asked me if I was just doing this because of the other girl.  I basically said the last six weeks and the thought of us never having a family again, and this being the rest of my life woke me up.  It was only until I allowed the grief and pain to wash over me that I began to see the real problems in me.  I was reading over Boundaries, and the author was counseling a parent couple on their son because of his irresponsible behavior, and he said your son doesn't have a problem you guys do.  I have expressed my boundaries to him and he expressed his.  He basically said if this is how you feel, I'll end the relationship with the other girl, and I'll also have to end the job, and remove myself from the circle of friends she keeps to show you she will not be a problem.  He basically said that if this is true for you I want you and my family back.  He agreed to stop smoking marijuana and agreed that any beer drunk will be done after the boys go to bed.  I agreed to stay out of his problems and mind my own business.  He realizes that he created a huge problem for himself at work, but said I made the mess I have to clean it up.  I asked him if he loved her and if this would be something he'd regret later on.  He said no, I don't love her, at first it was a friend, she helped me, she listened to me, she was willing to allow me to be me.  He basically said she was moving way too fast and he began to feel uncomfortable moving forward with her.  So, where does that leave us?  We had a couple's session with our therapist this morning and she agreed that we are beginning to build a completely new relationship.  He began to get fearful about the outside forces such as my family because they now know everything.  I know they'll think I've lost my mind, but for the first time in my life I'm allowing myself to think for myself. 

I let the counselor know that right now, my family will have to be kept out of the relationship so that trust and intimacy can be built.  We will both be in individual counseling and couples counseling.  He will stay in his apartment for  a while longer so that a stronger foundation can be made.  I know we have a lot against us, the best thing I can do for myself is continue with recovery and continue getting back into my life.  I feel wonderful about that.  Anybody here think I'm nuts.  Need some ESH and also any ideas to deal with the family.

Hugs,

Twinmom~