The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new and have been surfing here a bit. My situation is that I have been married for 11 years to an A; Of course, it has been a rocky road - two separations and reconcilliations. Lots of things lead to him entering treatment and recovery about a year ago.
Here's my problem - I think I over detached. I am truly happy he is working at recovery - and he really is! He has a great sponsor, going to meetings, etc.
The problem is, I can't seem to reconnect on an emotional level. I trust his recovery work is real. What is wrong with me? Has this happened to anyone else?
Hello Molly , u speak of his recovery but don't mention if u are in recovery. I hope uare attending meetings for yourself . Al-Anon will help u get in touch with your feelings again, indiference is a terrible place to live, cold and lonley been there done that too.
I think its normal to not trust and I never did do vulnerable well , only in recovery have I given myself permission to care again, am not sorry that I did. Living in indifference i really didn't care about much of anything and I don't recomend it to anyone. Please find some meetings for yourself
You have been sick as well as him for a long time. He has a program for recovery. You have the right to feel the way you have been feeling. I understand your "detaching". It seems to be part of a defense mechanism. I did a lot of that myself.
When I started the program, I went to AA meetings even though I am not an alcoholic. That was just all that was available to me. Today, I make face to face (f2f) Alanon meetings as well as AA meetings. A year ago, I was where you were. Very hopeless and just flat broke down. When I came into it, I was ready to stand on my head if they told me that is what I needed to do to make it all better.
It didn't take me long to realize, I wasn't there for him. I was there for me. I had to forgive myself as well as others. I quickly got a sponsor, and started working the steps. Just the 1st step in itself made such a huge difference in me. Which made me want to see how much better I could get. So, I continued to work all the steps.
Did it save my marriage? No. After some recovery under my belt I came to realize what was acceptable and what wasn't. I realized, for me, I had to get myself better. My alcoholic and I staying together was affecting both of our recoveries. It maybe different for you once you get on your way in the program.
I do wish you the best of luck. I will say, keep coming back!
There is nothing "wrong" with how you are feeling. After years of living with an A, you can pretty much become numb. I believe you when you say you trust his program. It's kind of like now he's getting better and I'm suppose to *poof* be okay too. It doesn't work that way. You might also feel like you've waited for sobriety for so long and here it is, why don't I feel great?
I encourage you to work the al-anon program. It will help with how you are feeling, let you live your life and grow into your feelings about everything that has been and now is. It is very healing. You may find that connection with your A again.
I understand what you're saying. When my A starting drinking again after 2 years of sobriety, I got really angry. told myself that I just didn't care anymore. with that, I started to really pull myself away from him. We have been together for 20 years and that detachment really took a toll on our relationship. I started reading here and going to f2f meetings. I'm starting to understand a little more and have compasion for the man that I love. I hate the disease but not the man that houses it. Try some meetings yourself, pray and it will come back if it's suppose to.
A very warm welcome to you! You didn't say if you're in recovery yourself and I would certainly encourage it. I personally found that before my A was active we connected beautifully on an emotional/spiritual level. Once he started drinking, this connection became 'unreliable' and as his alcoholism progressed, nigh-on impossible. During those years a lot of damage was done and I realised then I had begun to 'keep a little something of myself back'. I believe it was a subconscious act of self-preservation.
We separated and subsequently divorced. I was in recovery two years before he found sobriety/recovery. We attempted a reconciliation and I really did not know if we would be able to leave the wreckage of our past behind and create a new, healthy and complete relationship. We knew it would take time, we were re-building our friendship, trust, respect and love. We were reasonably successful and though I had done a lot of work on myself I sensed (rather than knew) that an almost imperceptible 'something' was still missing. I handed it over to my Higher Power and trusted that when the time was right it would 'be sorted'.
I flew to the Philippines in December to spend time with my father. I hadn't seen him for 11years and had little contact with him (his choice). It's not for me to label anyone an alcoholic but he certainly has all the 'isms'. I had issues with my Dad and again did what I could to work on them. However, when I returned from this trip (having used my program to accept him and forgive him for not being what I wanted him to be) I was amazed to discover that whatever had been holding me back in my new relationship with my husband had literally disappeared. I'm sure there may be many Freudian connotations but in its simplicity, I believe that in forgiving my father, I freed myself, enabling me to move forward fully into my relationship with my A.
What I'm trying to show through sharing my experience is that yes, it is possible to reconnect but a lot of work may need to be put in and that ultimately it will happen when the time is right. I wish you well, keep coming back and if at all possible try a face to face (f2f) meeting.
Your experiences have been helpful - both validating, and encouraging that things will sort themselves out, AND, I need to seriously consider alanon recovery - f2f.
I am not actively doing this at this time, however, will do so, and will continue using this site as a resource. As I'm sure I share with many others here, it is sometimes confusing which steps to pursue in "recovery". I have pursued therapy, addressed my family of origin issues, which I believe laid the groundwork for my current issues.
Yet, as was said in this post - from a codependency perspective, I have been sick for a long time. It is funny as I am so encouraging of others to really do the work they need to take care of their issues, yet I hesitate to do so myself - yuck on me!
I will heed your valuable advice, and pursue working a recovery program.
You didn't say if you're in recovery yourself and I would certainly encourage it. I personally found that before my A was active we connected beautifully on an emotional/spiritual level. Once he started drinking, this connection became 'unreliable' and as his alcoholism progressed, nigh-on impossible. During those years a lot of damage was done and I realised then I had begun to 'keep a little something of myself back'. I believe it was a subconscious act of self-preservation.