I just finished watching the Mrs. Harris film on HBO. I thought it was a great reminder of many of the issues I still face.  I could relate tremendously to being seduced by, lied to, have the goal posts changed and more by a man who I felt tremendous ambivalence about and who I swifly became very attached to.  I can also relate to thinking I could handle things because literally I had no limits. I have talked myself into putting up with all kinds of behavior and thought that my making scenes was a confrontation to the A.  I thought my scenes and I made them and my screamathons affected him. They did not one whit of course they demoralised and totally embarassed me on many many levels.  Only when I started setting boundaries, meaning them and putting my recovery first did anything change.

I can also see the spiral for me in my codependency, becoming more depressed and in turn more dependent on someone who was not considering me in his life.  Mrs. Harris did that and eventually became totally non functional. I have been there in total non functional, total obsession and total rage at the A.  I have also railed and felt extremely envious of the A's friends and family because I felt he gave to them and not to me.  In reality in fact he has very very little to give at all when he is using but I am not able to see that unless I am emotionally sober.   I had no concept of limits, self protection or of taking care of my emotions.

Like Mrs. Harris I prided myself on my emotions and thought they indicated my passion and my lifeforce.  My life was so cheap to me I was willing to put myself in situations over and over that hurt me desperately. I felt letting myself be out there in anger, rage and letting myself completely spiral down was speaking my truth.  It was on some levels but it was also on some levels incredibly destructive.  I had no concept of balance. Now when I am angry I allow myself to be only so angry and I do not speak to the A when I am really out there.  Neither do I discuss my grief or family of origin stuff with him.  I have not found he was the least bit interested in my family of origin in the past.  Whyinvite him to reject me again.  I will not do that to myself any more that is not intimacy that is self destruction for me.

I could feel tremendous empathy for Mrs. Harris.  I could also acknowledge that I felt her omnipotence. It was a tremendously humbling experience for me to come into these rooms and ask for help and admit that I could not do this on my own.  I can understand why Mrs. Harris could not do that.  Her friends reached out to her but by then she was so enmeshed and obsessed with him that she could not let go.  I feel sad for her children who got lost in her actions.  I also feel sorry for her that she did not get help till she went to prison.

Apparently when she did get to prison she made a tremendous turn around and became a very enlightened and generous and compassionate person.  I know for some of us there are many bottoms. Mine have included suicide attempts, tremendous illness, financial bankruptcy and emotional bankrupcty.  I am glad that I did not step over that line of hurting an other physically but I could easily do that I know which is another reason I need this room.

Maresie.