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hi all, i know for me, self worth was something i had absolutely none of when i came to alanon. I think many if not most alanoners seem to say or find the same thing when they work their steps, so i was wondering if some could share their es&h on what they did to gain self worth? Would love to hear your stories.
For me personally, my self worth really started growing once i did my fourth, and shared it with someone in my 5th step. I learned that i was just a normal human being that made some mistakes, but had lots of loveable stuff in me too. After that, i started giving myself things that i had denied myself out of lack of self worth. I started doing the kind of work i really wanted to do, but never thought i was good enough to, i started speaking up at meetings and with friends, because all of a sudden, my opinion mattered too. I started to practice self care, buying a couple new outfits, taking some time out just for me, going where i wanted instead of where whoever i was with wanted for once.
I dont know, i guess it was cause once i worked those steps, (and my sponsor talked to me and even still loved me afterward lol) i started learning how to love myself too. Every day it seems i grow more and more confident and realistic in how i view my own self, but it is still a daily battle at times and i have to remind myself to be gentle with me.
So what i'm asking is, what sort of things did you guys do to help you gain self worth?
I think for me one of the key tools of my self worth was not so much the external. I can do the giving myself more stuff anytime. The key was learning new tools especially boundaries and limits. I have to know what my limits are because if I go over them I get sick.
Learning boundaries, practising boundaries, watching my boundaries has been core for me.
For me it is very important I do not seek affirmation from another, that I seek it within myself -to have my own self worth. basicaly to not look elsewhere. To believe in me.
Coming to believe in my own self worth has been and continues to be a slow process. Being raised in a home affected by alcoholism, nothing was ever good enough. I was never good enough. No matter how good my grades at school were, (I graduated as the 2nd highest ranking boy from my highschool), no matter how well I did as a member of the high school band (1st chair trumpet player, with too many awards to even list), National Honor Society, English Honor Society, Latin Honor Society, John Phillip Sousa Award Winner..and on and on and on. Everyone looked at me and saw this smart, good looking , young man. Everyone but me. I didnt believe one second of any of it. I could still have done better. Nothing was enought.....I was so insecure and unimpressed by myself. It continued on into my adult life.
In my career I have advanced very quickly and have been consistantly praised by my superiors, even employee of the year for our entire district a few years ago.
As a husband and step-dad, I was loving and supportive. Did many things with my step-sons. Was told by friends wives, man! I wish hubby was more like you. But of course my A wife might not have seen it that way so much..he he. But you guys know what alcoholism does in a personal relationship to us. What it turns us into. How alcoholism attacks the self esteem and self worth of everyone around it. I was no exception there either. I came to doubt every aspect of myself as a husband (friend, lover, partner) as well as my abilities as a dad.
Somehow, something inside of me never let me see myself as all those people around me have being seing me for many years. Not until Al-anon have I really started looking at myself objectively and seeing that I am a worthwhile person.
A little exercise that a very dear al-anon friend had me do (and you know who you are my friend ) was to get myself a little note pad and carry it around with me for a week. On this pad I was to write down anything during the day that someone might say nice or complimentary to me. Also anything which I did or said that was nice or positive. I gotta tell ya, it was certainly an eye opener for me!!! It certainly amazed me to see how many times someone gives me a compliment or acknowledges something I have done for them. And also how many times I do things for others. I tell ya something else, keeping a list like that was also a great tool for me to learn to do nice things for others even more, just so I could write it down!!!
This program has also taught me to acknowledge it when someone says something nice to me. In the past I always blew their words off, because you see, I didnt really believe them. Why? I just dont understand it still, how someone could say "Wow, David, that widget you built is just beautiful!" And I'm standing there possibly evening saying right out loud, "Well, its not that great, I could have done a better job of this or that".... Ugh!!!!!!!! I have learned to just say "Thank You!" And when I taught myself to do that, instead of making those damn exceptions, those words that are being given to me have the chance to actually sink in and have some meaning!
I can't make the connection, but having completely done steps 1, 2, and 3 has increased my self-esteem. It's the work inside with my hp that has let me see I'm not an imposter, I'm just human like all the other people are. I also see parts of me are excellent. thanks for the topic. --Jill
Hi, Mastiff, Thank you so much for your post. I can remember showing up at an open AA meeting, and I was asked to read the steps. When I introduced myself, I said: "I'm ......." One of the women in the meeting got very upset that I was not a recovering alcoholic and that I was there. I had the sense that I belonged there, as it was an open meeting and I was just there to learn. (I find AA meetings very powerful for my own recovery). I knew at that time that the sense of my having the right to be there came from inside of me - something I had learned in Alanon! The biggest part of a sense of self worth for me has been the hard work of learning what my feelings are, and knowing that they are not caused by anyone else. They are mine! That has given me the biggest boost of self esteem, and in the program I learnd to have my feelings. The STeps are amazing. Our HP really leads them! Thanks for being here, mastiff. Blessings to you. mebjk
Self Worth - like most I came here with none. As I worked this program first and formost for me was to get Honest with myself then with others. Living a lie kills self esteem and self worth. Then I started to take responsibility for my part in the mess our lives had become.
The biggest solution was to "not do what I had always done" I had to change my attitude , the way I did things etc. Making amends and admiting to people that I had hurt the exact nature of my wrongs gave me the final push to self worth - f2f amends are important to me it gives people the oportunity to share with me how they felt and I just have to listen and say nothing. Looking at thier faces as they share thier thoughts hurts but drives into my head that I cannot behave that way again . ever !!
First of all a great question to put out there for us....thanks!
I used to have it all, especially my self esteem, and I felt needed and wanted . However that became a dragging out year after year, a slow death, lets say of the person I was ,due to the alcoholism, which progressed within my household. Slowly my self-worth diminished, and I began thinking thoughts which could have ended my life as I knew it forever. However I mustered up the courage to seek help, first from my doctor (as I thought I was surely insane) and after being told so , so many times from the A in my life. I went to a councellor, which was short lived, but, I found alanon which literally saved my life.
Even though I feel as if I have not grown fast enough within the program, when a new comer arrives desparate in the need of help, I see that I have grown, I have slowly been arriving to my destination which would be my self esteem back and my self worth.
For me the greatest feat was to accept compliments as they are given, and not make up something like oh that is nothing etc,,,or this or that. Now I can say thank you and leave it at that, as I feel worthy now to accept compliments for whatever reason.
Building of my self esteem and self worth is like building a pyramid, stone by stone, and hard work day after day. And in closing I will say "Let it begin with me"
Good post. Both my parents were ACOA. They were good parents who each lost a parent to the disease. We were taught to "rise to the occasion." In other words, there wasn't much we couldn't do if we wanted to. We just had to want to. hmmm. This is good and bad. I had no idea that there were things that I couldn't do (like change other people) if I didn't put my mind to it. I loved learning, loved a challenge and loved just doing. Then I met my A.
Twenty years later, my esteem was so low. I had been told for years you can't do that, you shouldn't do that or why are you doing that? By the time my A left, I truly believed I couldn't dig a hole and move a rose bush. Why? Because I had been TOLD I couldn't do it. It was one of the first things I did -- moving that rose bush helped my esteem more than anyone would have believed. It also helped me remove a resentment as my A had been saying he'd do it for two years lol.
For me, the return of my esteem has come by doing. Doing what I was told/convinced I couldn't do. It's been difficult, I've been berated, called "ms. independence" and made to feel stupid (which that part was nothing new). I had to conquer fears, like shopping at Northern Hydrolics and dealing with other men -- which I've been impressed to find don't think I'm that stupid . Granted I've had to do a good many things I'd rather not have to do, but just knowing that I can do it (rise to the occasion) has been so fantastic to my self esteem.
For me Al-anon has given me a lesson in balance. I grew up thinking I had the power within myself to do what ever I put my mind to, then all the way to not believing I could do anything. Here in is where I got to find myself. Note that I was living what other people told me I could/couldn't do. Today I have enough self esteem to look at myself, what I want, what is best for me, check my motives and act on things. What a great program.
Also, I have to say I agree with David about accepting a compliment. I think many of us in Al-anon don't realize we just can't seem to say "thank you." I was taught by a recovering A to "just say thank you." I never knew I couldn't accept a compliment, this is really related to self esteem. This A would stop me in my tracks and say "just say .... (you're welcome, thank you)" I thought I'd die one year we had Thanksgiving at my home, he did this to me several times, from the dinner, to the house, to dessert, to the enjoyable day. He was doing it out of love -- he really made me take notice and learn to accept a compliment. I'm grateful to him.
, young man. Everyone but me. I didnt believe one second of any of it. I could still have done better. Nothing was enought.....I was so insecure and unimpressed by myself. It continued on into my adult life. 
) was to get myself a little note pad and carry it around with me for a week. On this pad I was to write down anything during the day that someone might say nice or complimentary to me. Also anything which I did or said that was nice or positive. I gotta tell ya, it was certainly an eye opener for me!!! It certainly amazed me to see how many times someone gives me a compliment or acknowledges something I have done for them. And also how many times I do things for others. I tell ya something else, keeping a list like that was also a great tool for me to learn to do nice things for others even more, just so I could write it down!!! 