(((((((Leah)))))))))))

I cant tell ya why you feel that way, but i can tell you why i felt that way when my husband went out.  For me personally, it was all the fear of the unknown. 

I liken it to when your on the freeway and someone cuts you off.  I personally get ticked of, maybe say a few choice words and they get the "look."  I act as though i am angry, but really they scared the pee outta me.  I was afraid because they almost wrecked my car and my babies and i coulda been hurt. In that situation, anger is a lot easier to process then fear, so my fear turns to anger. 

The same thing happens when i get my focus on my a husband especially when he was active.  If he went out, i didn't know what was going to happen. Was i gonna have to go get him at the bar? was he going to od on drugs?  What if he got picked up by the police and losses his job, what kinda person am i gonna be dealing with when he comes home? will the kids and me be ok? ect ect ect. My head ran so much with the what if's, i put myself right into fear, from there, it didn't take much for it to turn to anger cause the next time he "went out" i knew i was going to be going through the same dang thing all over again.

For me, to break this cycle, i took the suggestion to "keep the focus."  I can find something for me to do, i can go on a date with a girlfriend if i think my head is gonna run away with me or i am lonely.  I can read my daily reader, call a sponsor, work on some step work, anything but think about what he's doing. 

I realized that if i am looking to an alcoholic to determine my emotion, he might as well be my hp.  not exactly a good job for an alcoholic to have lol. 

love ya and Keep the focus! Trina

To feel angry with your A is quite a natural response but it's very emotionally draining and in my case it served no purpose. In our situation he rarely called and if he did, never made it home when he said he would. As the alcoholism progressed he would be gone for days and eventually weeks. My anger was definitely fear-based and I would go through a whole gamut of emotions during his absence. Loneliness, anxiety, worry, fear, tears, anger then finally rage. Then I'd do it all over again! The truth was all my worrying and projecting about the possible outcomes of his spree never prepared me for what eventually did happen. "What ifs" became inevitables and nothing I felt, did or said changed them. Until I got a program and began the process of detachment.

I found it very difficult to detach because if I watched a movie, read a book or went for a walk my head would wonder what he was up to. I persevered and learnt to discipline my mind. Every time my thoughts wandered I'd recognise that my mind was just doing its job (thinking) and I'd actively have to put a more positive thought/concept in its place. At one meeting, I shared that I no longer attempted to contact my A while he was out but I was on tenterhooks waiting for him to ring. (Ironically as I was making progress he had started calling which I'm sure wasn't a deliberate attempt to sabotage my efforts but it would always be in the early hours when I'd just managed to fall asleep!) A very long-time member suggested I pull the phone out of the wall. This simple solution had never occured to me and in my case it worked. Obviously you would need to weigh up any merits it may have in your own situation.

A friend of mine used to do the 'bottle of wine' thing. She stopped as it was affecting her ability to cope the next day. Don't forget alcohol is a depressant and living with an active A is difficult enough. I guess it depends what your motives are. If its because you enjoy a drink and out of respect don't drink when he's there then maybe it's ok, I wouldn't know. If its an act of rebellion or defiance 'YOU can't drink-but do/ I can-so I will' or if you find yourself using it as a crutch then maybe it's not such a good idea?

Meditation/recovery CD's or some pleasant, peaceful music may help with your anxiety. Another friend of mine used to go jogging to get her anger out. I wasn't physically well enough to do that so sometimes I used to shut myself in the house and just have a b****y good scream. (Out of courtesy, I let the neighbours know 1st, I didn't give them details just said it was good therapy, they were surprisingly understanding!) I also used to beat up pillows or my bed. I don't need to do that today. If you're active maybe you could work-out at the gym or with a home DVD, that way you'll be able to vent and get physically fit at the same time. Another added bonus is that exercise produces endorphines which make you feel good.

Finally, I was a little concerned that you said your A 'let you go out last week'. I don't know if he's aggressive and I wouldn't like to suggest anything that may aggravate your situation but his alcoholism shouldn't put you under a life-sentence as well. You have a right to be happy whether your A is drinking or not. Just because he's having a bad day, doesn't mean you have to. It may do you good to have some time on your own or with friends. Perhaps you could visit someone for a cup of tea and a natter, do a bit of window-shopping, go to a salon for a bit of pampering or visit a library for a bit of peace. It is of course your choice and I'm not giving you advice, just trying to make some suggestions in the hope that one may help. I don't know if you attend f2f meetings but I would strongly recommend them. We're all here for you, keep sharing, you are not alone

You know I walked on eggshells all the time as a child.  So walking on eggshells with an A seemed pretty routine for me.  Over time the A did get worse in his acting out and there are certain times of the year, getting in touch with his family for example which seem to set things off for him.  Of course anticipating and what ifing those times sets me off too.

I think one of the first times I came in here I was waiting for the A to come back after a night of drinking (I presume) and I turned it over to HP and went to bed and slept rather than worried obsessively. That was a beginning for me.

I think for me the rage can be deadly and I have to manage my emtions very very carefully. Since I have not done that before it is a real task.  I also have to focus on me and my program and my issues and my goals.

One of the best distractions I found was to have a plan. What is my plan what am I working on. If I am working on being able to leave the a where am I?  I found that incredibly helpful no matter what the A threw at me I took that as the focus for me. And of course I came here and posted and posted. I came into chat and railed and was heard and that was really healing for me.  For me it is not the anger but the A does not hear it that hurts badly so if I come here and am heard that helps tremendously.

Maresie.