The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Feeling my feelings I know is a good sign that I'm healing and recovering, but boy the change in emotions from day to day is so extreme. Yesterday, I was exhaused, I have not been sleeping very well. I spoke with my "a" on the phone and his mood was happy and carefree. The evening before he was depressed and saying how much he loved us and missed us. My anger today surmounted. My children have been testing my boundaries and pressing me to limit, on purpose I'm sure. I got so angry because in the last six weeks my "a" has seen them for maybe four visits and spoken to them on the phone maybe eight times. I'm pissed, he's off drinking hanging out with friends, going to concerts, hanging with his new girlfriend and I'm at home or where ever taking care of our children. I feel completely abandoned by him. He has not called since yesterday and interestingly enough he didn't call to talk with the kids he called to talk to me. He has not commented on the letter I sent him or the request of things I have asked of him. I'm sure he just doesn't want to deal with it. After all, he wouldn't get sober and take care of himself when he was with me, why should I expect him to do it now.
I had my meeting with the attorney on Thursday evening. He has never taken a case like mine before, but has personal friends who are going through a similiar situation. He was also very knowledgable about Bipolars and how the react or don't react. He left me feeling hopeful. He stated that I had a good case and he feels confident that I will be able to get the courts to approve restricted visitations. If my "a" requests more visits, then the judge will let him know he needs to get into program, get his license back, a car, and a more suitable place for preschoolers to live in. The attorney said he has a PI that will do the background check on him and his girlfriend and for a little extra money with put a tag on him for a weekend to see if he's drinking and driving. He's a young lawyer, but by the time he left and saw my kids he basically said he didn't need to hear anymore, he said we need to do what we can to keep your kids safe. He was honest and said that he really didn't believe that my "a" would follow through with much of our requests and let me know that I would probably be in and out of court for a year enforcing these demands.
I am happy and pray that everything goes well, I'm expecting resistance and pitfalls from my "a", but with out him actually putting a court order in place for visitation, I found out I don't have to allow him to visit the kids if he doesn't agree to this plan. I feel at ease for that, I just wish my heart would feel better. It's like he's died... the boys don't really even talk about him, they don't ask to call him or see him. I have such an empty feeling inside. I don't understand a person who can just turn his family off, I can see now that he has always been unable to be intimate with me. He comes to the house now, or calls and he doesn't have anything to say. It has been hard focusing on myself it feels like all I am right now is my pain. I'm going to a meeting tonight finally in hopes to change this around back on me. Thank you all for your support and kind words.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I really want to support you on this one. And we do say that it is not about you but the disease. My husband left and left me with the bills, chores, responsibilities, life itself. I feel put out and can really get into the resentment. He talks about golfing, going to movies, and lunch with his new "girl" friends. Although our kids are out of the house, he thinks that there is no impact on them and that they will get through this.
I think A's wall off everything because they are too immature to handle emotions and responsibility for their actions. Also, I think we alanoners compensate and take on the emotions that they don't show. Therefore, we are emotionally exhausted. We do all the work. Maybe that is the codependency thing. I wondered how my husband could just walk out the door, end everything, and act like he doesn't give a damn. The only way you can pull that off is to literally be unconscious. I always tell my husband (to no avail because he stays in that unconscious state so he doesn't have feel his pain) that he doesn't realize the impact of what he does.
Hope this helps. Take time for yourself so you can be there for your kids. Take your power back.
Twinmom...boy do I understand what you are going through. My exhusband an A moved out and left me to deal with selling the home and moving me, my home office, my mom and our daughter twice before we could find a decent place to settle in. I was a wreck...had lost 40 pounds. Was having trouble working etc.
We supposedly have joint custody but he pays nothing for her care. I have to front all the costs and submit receipts to him and hope for half to be paid back to me. While I am busting my butt working full time and caring for my elderly parent and our daughter. He was off playing house with his slutty barmaid girlfriend. She actually bathed and cared for our daughter when she was at her dad's. This infuriated me! Now a year later the bar slut dumped him and he barely sees his daughter at all. At first he became "super dad" funny because the beer, wine and the bar were his number 1 priority when we were married.
Now our daughter has figured out dad is not someone to count on. She would rather be with me and my mom now anyway...but if he is not going to pull his time with her then I have to take him back to court to get money. I already spent $5K for the original court order. I can only imagine what this will now cost me. I just want you to think about it before you spend all the cash. The A's rarely show up for visitation anyway. My heart goes out to you. I was mad as hell for a year...now it has faded to bitterness. But all that energy could have been put to better use. Keep the Focus on you and your kids. Be happy for what you have and let go and let god take the anger if you can.
It sounds like you have a great attorney. Keep the interaction with him at a minimum. I emailed mine everytime my A pulled his crap. Which was often. It cost me almost my entire retainer for calls, email and faxes!
The best advice I got was to answer my ex's calls and emails with one word if possible. To say I need to think about that when pressured for an answer or into a fight. Also to never give him my emotions. He doesn't deserve them. I hope some of this helps you. You will all be fine. You are a good mom and you are doing the right thing for your kids.
I can definitely understand and empathise with the issue of feeling abandoned. I have felt that a great deal by the A.
I think I can also project that the A is out there having a good time when I dont' really know what he is doing. I don't actually think it is a good time to be out drinking and believing that eveything is ok when it is not. I used to. Now I try to take back those projections because I can get lost in them. I just stick with I don't know what he is doing.
I am really glad for you that you have found an attorney who is willing to become knowledgeable about the issues you are dealing with. Good for you.
I am also glad that you are using the board as a place to come and release your frustrations.
