The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today as I have read several posts (not just today really, but for the past couple of months as well) I just feel like I grew up in a bubble! My family was so different from those that I read about on this site. We grew up in the church-I'm not sure there was an alcoholic/addict of any kind in my family (unless one might consider religous addict). As I deal with my life today I can't imagine having grown up in this stuff!!!! I have only had to deal with alcoholism/addiction for the past 4 years (that does not include the time with my 1st husband who was not an a but was just a horrible person dressed in preacher clothing) I'm not sure I would have made it in an "a" home. I really wonder how I will survive this! I have been so sad these past few weeks. So overwhelmed, I am not angry at my "a" anymore I am really scared to death of what will come if he keeps on this path. I know he is killing himself and is miserable and I find that so terribly sad!!! IT hurts so much to see someone you love completely just give up because trying gets to hard. I believe in an HP (I believe in God)!! I just have had the hardest time talking to him lately! I know I control nothing and he controls everything, but I seem to have lost the ability to pray--I don't even know what to pray for anymore--it appears that whenever I do pray I am not asking for the right things. Now I just try to start my prayers but I don't seem to get anywhere. How does one who really had a very good childhood and raising up get here? I look at the others in my family and they have had a few difficulties, but sometimes I want to scream--I would love to have my hardest and most difficult thing be that my husband not know how to properly hold his newborn son, or the house I'm building be behind schedule. (I know I sound tacky, I love my family so much, but I just don't understand!!!!!!) Sometimes I want to tell them they just have no clue about what problems really are!!! Then I know they will just say well you got yourself into this, so just decide what you are going to do know and do it! They are right of course but to me it still isn't clear what that next right thing is!
I'm sorry I am rambling--just tired and blah today.
Dear hudsond, We are all so glad you are here! Thank you for your share. It sounds as if prayers are being answered - by your awareness and your feelings. Keep coming back - it works! Blessings, mebjk
Religion was definitely part of the toxicity in my family. My family were extremely fearful of religion. I think it went along with their fear based lifestyle which was in turn based on their own terrorizing childhoods. I do not know how they were brought up but by judging the way they dealt with me it was not a healthy way.
There is no question that my mother did everything in a depriving, shame based way. I can have some compassion for now because I am no longer dealing with her demands on a daily basis (she died a few years ago). She lived in tremendous deprivation all her life. Her spirituality added nothing to her life and was as compulsive as everything else in it.
For some of us it takes years to sort out how we came to be. For me certainly it is a daily decision to work this program rather than live in the negativity and deprivation my mother taught me.
Hiya. Yes you were indeed fortunate that you had such a nice upbringing and I'm sure you're very grateful for that. Please don't feel your partners addiction is a reflection on you. You fell in love with a person who has a disease, nothing more. You will survive, you have a program now and it tells us we can be happy whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Hard to believe I know when you're feeling sad or defeated but it works if you work it. It's just a day at a time; don't make today the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Be gentle on youself, four years in the wake of an alcoholic is battering enough. Talking to an active A was a complete waste of time, effort and energy for me. Certainly, I'd be civil and kind but avoid those 'deep and meaningfuls'. I was emotionally spent pouring out my heart and hopes, just to discover in the morning he had absolutely no recollection whatsoever of our discussions. You cannot reason with a drinking alcoholic.
You are already on the right road just being here and sharing. When I 1st went to Al-anon I struggled with my understanding of a power greater than myself. You already have a strong faith and belief. Well done you! With regards to your praying, it was suggested to me that I didn't turn up on God's doorstep with a grocery list I was also told that praying is talking to God, meditating is listening. You could simply pray for God's will for you. Its not the words that matter, it's the feeling behind them and I'm sure he knows your innermost heart. Many times I don't pray for anything specific as I often wonder if I really know what's best for me but I'm absolutely certain that God knows! You could just ask him to be near you or with you through the day.
Your family's problems are very real to them as yours are to you and the sad truth is that even if they were aware of your struggles they probably could not understand them. Many people are so caught up in their own troubles it doesn't even occur to them that someone else may be having a hard time and need support. It's just one of those things; "until you've walked a mile in my moccasins". Perhaps, the next 'right thing' to do is focus on you and your recovery. You are totally powerless over your A and his drinking but you have full control of and responsibilty for your choices. Keep coming back, we're all here for you. With love in the fellowship
I was also told that praying is talking to God, meditating is listening. You could simply pray for God's will for you. Its not the words that matter, it's the feeling behind them and I'm sure he knows your innermost heart. Many times I don't pray for anything specific as I often wonder if I really know what's best for me but I'm absolutely certain that God knows! You could just ask him to be near you or with you through the day.