The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first post. I have been visiting this site frequently before signing up. Just reading about everyone's experiences has helped me a lot. I see that I am not alone and that the problems I have are very similar to many of yours. I have an AW who is a beautiful person in every respect. Married 17 years and noticed that the drinking was getting very heavy about 6 years ago. I brought it to her attention a few years ago and she admitted that she had a problem with drinking. She joined AA and went for a while and did well. Eventually, she quit AA and started drinking again. Said she did not want to go because she was not like "those people". I have advised her that she is exactly like those people, the only difference being that she has never hit bottom. I tried reasoning, begging, threatening, about anything I could think of but to no avail. I consider myself fortunate in that she is functional at all times except most evenings and weekends. I thank God that she has a job that keeps her busy and that keeps her from thinking about drinking. I have given up trying to ask her to change as I now realize that I am powerless over this demon that dominates her life. I can only try to keep her safe and let her know that I will help her if she wants it. Fortunately for us, she never drives or leaves the house when she drinks so I don't have to worry about her harming someone, other than herself. My heart goes out to everyone in this forum who is experiencing problems worse than mine. Anyway, I am glad to be here and I very much appreciate this site.
(((Juster)))) Welcome! As I am sure you see, many people have found support and hope here. You are doing what I did a lot when I first got here, which was that you are talking about her. More and more here, you will come to look at it from your point of view. How all this affects YOU. We are thrilled to have you, and I assure you, life does get much better with this program. Much more managable from day to day. We are here whenever you need us.
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
This is a great program - a life saver. Your story sounds similar to mine, living with a functional alcoholic. I had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that they could stay sober for work but not for their loving family, but through the grace of this program I have almost learned to let this go.
This is a great place to come and read, listen, and learn. Over time you pick up tools to help you on your way (sometimes without even realizing you have done it). Just knowing you're not alone I find helps tremendously.
Thank you for the welcome, I appreciate it! It really does help to know that you are not alone in this. I can see that there is a lot of support here and there certainly are times when I could use that! Hopefully, I will be able to do the same for others.
One of the experiences that really did help me to understand the disease was to attend AA meeting with my AW. I think I got more out of it than she did! If she ever goes back, I certainly will too.
So glad you found the website. ((WELCOME TO the 12 Step Forums and Program of ALANON.)) If you need any assistance to find local meetings or interested in purchasing some Books.., this is the place. So glad your here. And know that You are Not Alone. As you continue with the program you will see... there is Hope, Faith, Love and A Strengthening of Peace "within You" within the walls of Alanon.
Just wanted to say hi and welcome I'm new to the site too but didn't spend long browsing before I registered! I've been in Al-anon just over 5yrs and can't believe I've never heard about the message board, chat room and on-line meetings! I tried to access the chat room but it didn't work for some reason. Hopefully I'll figure it out soon or someone can tell me what I'm doing wrong. I've really enjoyed being here, nice to know that help/support really is just a 'click' away.
You never mentioned if you've ever attended f2f meetings and I don't know if it's at all viable for you to get to one but I would certainly recommend them. I'm on a bit of a buzz as I've just got home from a f2f, having missed meetings for a few months. It was wonderful!
Hello Juster - this is just my opinion but to me the best way to support our A loved ones is to get out own program and stay outa thier face and off thier backs. Keep them safe is just not my job.
Until the A is made responsible for thier own mess nothing will change for them and we only end up more resentful and angry. Understanding tht i could detach from what they were doing and continue to love them took time . It is possible to get happy if they continue to drink. After al anon our relationship got better tho he continued to drink for another 2 yrs .
Accepting him for who and what he was probably saved our marriage and i couldnt have doneit with out meetings and the people in thisi program who had been where I was at .
this is a great program hopfuly u will decide to join and get happy regardless of what she is doing. Louise
I have to stick to my side of the issue. I have told the A recently that I do not appreciate anyone coming over and eating and asking for money. That's about the only boundary I have. I do not try to protect him from the effects of his using on any level. But I do protect myself from his friends.
wow juster. your story sounds just like mine. i am new, too. and my a is so great and very functional when he doesn't drink. and i have to really look to see if he is drunk. he covers well. but i always figure it out when i try and have a logical conversation with him. CAN'T
Welcome to our family. Let's get started. Tell us about what you are doing about your recovery so far. Please join us for meetings. The chat room link is in left hand corner above.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
HI Juster welcome from Australia. I hope we can all help you in some way with our own experiences and give you hope for the future. Starting from today the most important person in your life is you. Luv Leo xx
Welcome to MIP! I too love an alcoholic and he has been sober for over 20 years. He is a dry drunk but acts like the rest. He too is a great person and smart man but he has the disease and I deal with that every day. As they say here you have to separate yourself and let her have or not have her program. Alanon is here for you. Get to a meeting. Get off her back. Get out of her way. We Alanoners need to work on ourselves.
Ria: Thank you for the reply! I'm not much of a computer nerd so I hope I am doing this correctly. You had asked about f2f alanon meetings. Unfortunately, I live in a very small town and commute to work about an hour each way. My wife commutes with me. By the time I get home, it is too late for the one meeting per week that they hold. I have attended a number of AA meetings with my AW when she was going and they helped me understand the power of the disease and how helpless we are to intervene. Reading the posts on this site have been a Godsend as it has helped me to realize that I cannot do anything to help her, but that I can do things to help myself. I cannot believe the number of welcomes and responses I received! I feel like I have found a home!
Susiekam: Thank you for the note! I'm still trying to figure this posting stuff out as to how to reply to everyone. Unlike your A I can tell immediately when she is starting to drink. When I see it happening I have learned just to let her go until she has had enough and goes to sleep on the couch. At those times, it is a relief to have her sleeping as I don't have to have discussions with her that she will never remember anyway. I have told her that if she is going to drink, I would prefer that she not try to be secretive about it and just go ahead and get her bottle out. She will drink a little wine in front of me but I know that she has other bottles hidden as I have found them before. Now, I don't even try to find them. I just let her go and I go to another room or to my workshop where I can be away from it. I know what you mean about not being able to have a conversation that makes sense, that is why I really try to avoid it. Thank you again for the response.
leo: Thank you for the note! Wow, all the way from Australia--that is neat! I appreciate the support and am so glad that I found this site. Thanks again, Juster
((WELCOME TO the 12 Step Forums and Program of ALANON.)) If you need any assistance to find local meetings or interested in purchasing some Books.., this is the place. So glad your here. And know that You are Not Alone. As you continue with the program you will see... 
there is Hope, Faith, Love and A Strengthening of Peace "within You" 
within the walls of Alanon.
I'm new to the site too but didn't spend long browsing before I registered! I've been in Al-anon just over 5yrs and can't believe I've never heard about the message board, chat room and on-line meetings! I tried to access the chat room but it didn't work for some reason. Hopefully I'll figure it out soon or someone can tell me what I'm doing wrong. I've really enjoyed being here, nice to know that help/support really is just a 'click' away.
