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Once they have attained sobriety and are working the steps, going to AA and show the want to stay sober, what are the right and wrong things for us al-anoners to do? I know we still concentrate on ourselves and do our thing, but what else? Do we offer to go to meetings with them, or talk about things, their alcoholism or do we just ignore it and act like it's not there? Any feedback is appreciated!
My A isn't sober, maybe someday he will be. But, I have wondered the same thing. What is the correct way for us to "behave" around them? I have had so many years of confusion, hiding the truth, not talking, I would have no idea how to handle this new lifestyle, either. But am interested. Maybe someday I will get to experience it!
Right now, I am just working on myself, but that is a very good question, and am looking forward to any replies you receive.
For me, I have had to keep my hands off my husband's program. I 'only' expressed interest in going to open meetings with him if he was interested in both of us going. That's about it. We only talk about things as he is ready too.... And, it depends on if they have dry drunks in sobriety...that make communicating even tougher.
My husband and I often talk about the program - not so much talking about what happens in meetings, but, for example, something will happen to put him in a bad mood. I won't say anything, but later, he will come to me and say - "I've figured out why that bothered me so much..." and go on to look at the situation through program eyes. Then I can say my part, just as if I were talking to someone in alanon - "Maybe you also felt blah blah"
We go to roundups together, and talk about what we heard there, on the drive home. Occasionally we go to a town some ways from here, where the AA meeting and the alnon meeting are in the same building, at the same time. Then, again, we will talk program on the way home. Now and then we are at open meetings together, not too often.
At first, there was some tension about this, but now, it is just the way you would do it if you had a close friend who you knew was in the program - you would use alanon terms to talk about daily life. I try very hard to stay out of the specifics of his program; for instance, I have no idea which step he is on, and he doesn't know that about me. I don't tell him how to work his program any more than I would a fellow member of alanon, but I also know that if I have something to say that could be helpful, and he shows he is open to hearing it, I can say it.
If you go to an open AA meeeting, you have every right to share there as a member of alanon. You are not there as a 'guest' of your husband, but as a fellow 12 stepper in your own right. I find AA are very happy to hear the alanon point of view, and it would not hurt for your husband to see you in this aspect of yourself, if you feel comfortable. I would not push, though. Just do what comes naturally, as much as possible. If he wants to talk about it with you, he knows that you are in the program, so he will. If he doesn't, he won't.
I am reminded often by my sponor that is called alcoholicm not alcohol wasm. No need to continue to beat the past to death sobriety can be difficult sometimes harder than drinking days but luckily al anon suggestions work drinking or not we simply continue to work our own program go to our own meetings and leave them to AA. an occasional meeting together is a good thing open meetings are best.
I have my self to work on and Al-Anon will do that for me also helps me to keep out of his face and allow him to progress on his own . Two people working separate programs have a chance of making relationships work tho there are no guarantees. Some make it some don't.
The alcoholic is not the only one who has to change we need to change too , I was told that an A hasn't got a hope of staying sober going home to an old idea and attitude. That was me!!
I found out that i had alot of changing to do myself. Keep going to meetings keep the focus on the things u can change YOU - and u will be just fine . Louise
HI. I found living with early sobriety quite difficult for quite some time even though I had been a member of Al-anon for 2yrs before my A sought recovery. So much seemed to change so quickly for us both. I've heard that sometimes the opposite can be true and it seems as though very little has changed. In the Uk we had a booklet called "Living With Sobriety" that I found very helpful.
It was suggested to me that I let my A initiate discussions in order to let him process things in his own time. It is ok to let them know you're interested and are available if they want to talk. I certainly wouldn't recommend you question whether or not they attend meets, how often etc! Be prepared for them to leave early or stay late after the meeting as this can be as beneficial to them as the meeting itself. (Sometimes they go for coffee after and can be out hours!) My A found it difficult to share in the meetings at first and this was a crucial step in him starting to open up. You should be aware of the 'AA widow' syndrome, "He spends as much time away from home now as he did when he was drinking!" I don't have personal experience of this but I've heard it settles down after a while. It was also suggested that I allow myself to be guided by him regarding issues such as whether to allow others to drink in our home, whether we would go to places where drink would be present (parties, family get-togethers etc.) Of course this didn't automatically mean that if he didn't go I didn't go. I evaluated each situation on its own merits and did what was right for me. It also does not mean that you have no say on issues you may feel strongly about and that you no longer need boundaries!
My A and I often share our personal programs with each other but we both respect the anonymity statement and do not discuss who was present or what was discussed at meetings unless we both attended. I attended open AA meets prior to my A's recovery and continued to go alone. We attend meetings together but not frequently, for two reasons: Firstly, we both felt that we needed to maintain our separate recoveries and secondly this could restrict our sharing and ''you're only as sick as your secrets". There were times when I needed to let off steam and I could not have done so with him sitting there!
I tried to keep my hands off his program as I would've resented him interfering in mine. I have occasionally made suggestions when he was struggling and asking for help, like "Have you got any phone numbers you can call?", "Do you feel a sponsor may help?", "Is there anything in your literature that may shed some light?" Remember its not always what you say but how you say it and the motives behind it. I'm sure if I'd told him "You're driving me nuts, get a sponsor!" he would've told me where to go in no uncertain terms!
I wish you well. Recovery is a journey. There are many paths to the top of the mountain and if you stick to your program I'm sure you'll find one that gets you there via the best route for you.
