The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So as of yesterday, March 9, I am officially divorced. The papers were (finally) filed last month, and the official date has come and gone.
Yesterday was a bit of a reflective day for me, but not one of particular sadness. In many ways, I think I 'grieved' the failure/loss of my marriage way back when it happened, and this day turned out to be nothing exceptionally emotional for me... Here is what I wrote to a few friends, the day before the "big day":
After a seemingly endless journey, my divorce becomes official tomorrow, March 9. Not sure what exactly I feel about this. Part of me thinks it is a bit of a "non-event", as we have been (in effect) divorced unofficially for some time now.... Part of me is happy, as it is a "line in the sand" and that part of my life is now legally and officially over..... and.... Part of me is a bit somber, reflecting on a bit of failure, a bit of not being able to see things through, and a bit of not being able to provide my two precious kids with the type of warm, loving home life that I had dreamed of for them. I'm pretty sure you would understand all three of those sets of feelings... We split in September of 2003, and realistically the marriage had failed long before then....
I wanted to share these similar feelings with my Al-Anon friends and family as well..... Perspectives are everything, and Al-Anon has helped me put March 9 into it's proper place.... In the famous words of my sponsor: "it is neither good or bad... it just IS"
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Canadianguy, my own divorce from my A was final on December 21st, 2005, and I understand the roller coaster of emotion you are feeling. No one knows exactly how another person feels about anything, and I was careful not to insinuate that I do, but I DO understand whatever you are feeling. It is a relief for me knowing I am no longer legally responsible, but the fact that it happened is not what I envisioned on our wedding day. Your sponsor is right: it is what it is, and I do wish you health and happiness as your journey on.
With great caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
On the 28th of this month will be the one year UNanniversary of my divorce being final. I remember that day very well and certainly experienced all of the same feelings you are feeling. Just thought I'd drop ya a note from the future
Though I still have "flashbacks" wherein I seem to relive those feelings again, they come less and less frequently. I will also share that I know it all happened the way it was supposed to. And that I'm grateful for the ultimate outcome of it all. I am well on my way to becoming the person I am supposed to become. This would never have happened in my relationship with my ex-wife.
I don't know that I think of a marriage to an A as failed. I grew from the relationship that is what I look at. I have had the date of a divorce come and go and did not really know how to react to it. I sure know that it felt symbollic of something.
I also know that I had a dream the other night about the significance of having a relationship with an A and saw a lot of my patterns there. I think we can see success failure in more gray areas. I used to think being laid off was a failure now I see it as a growth experience. I am trying to be grateful for opportunities.
Some day I would like to be in a secure loving attentive relationship I don't think I am capable of that at the moment but I am working on being that. I do not think I was capable of a stable relationship until I did a lot of work on myself. I do not take 100% responsibility for any relationship but for me to take my 50% has been a struggle because I have generally played the blame game a bit too much.
It is nice to know that you care. My husband moved out and says he wants a divorce. In his family everyone is divorced and in my family no one is divorced. So I guess it is just different ways of coping. I watched Dr. Phil today. He was counseling a couple that was comtemplating divorce. He says if you can walk away with no lingering feelings or anger or regrets then you should divorce. I am not there and cannot see it any other way at least today. I hope that I will come to that point of it just is instead of asking why.
This is something that was shared with me the other day which I have found to be very profound. The past is gone you can do nothing about that, you can work your backside off for the future but how do you know you will be there to enjoy it? There is only now. Live for the Now. I hope the NOW is great for you and the kids you deserve it. Luv Leo xx
Just wanted to say that I am sorry even though it's all happened as it's suppose to be. I can relate to the marriage being over emotionally well before the separation (not divorced yet).
I just want to say that your shares are valuable to me. Get's me thinking. We are here for you.
I have a marquee saying on my puter at work "Attitude is the mind's paintbrush. It colors every situation."
Keep sharing,
yours in recovery
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
