The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I spoke (quietly and firmly) to my AH almost a week ago now about a day when he went AWOL and ditched on a promise to one of the kids. I know it's the alcohol but he is still a parent here and I needed him to know that he dropped the ball on this one. I encouraged my son to talk with me about it, I validated his feelings and then I spent the time with him on the project that Dad missed out on.
So, here we are, the next week, and we are in a familiar place. AH is avoiding any meaningful discussion with me, picking "safe topics" only, work, house projects, is on good behavior. He is busy cleaning, asking what I need etc etc. He is drinking outside of the house and then "just a beer" at home where I can see him drinking with moderation (which he also believes he is capable of). Attentive to his mother (always) and what she needs done at her house.
My issue, because none of this is new, is that when we are in this place i cannot stand, really cannot stand the fake, superficial, "see what a good husband I am" person who is now like a roommate. I want real. I want truth. The "everything is fine here, you're the one with the problem" insanity makes me truly nuts.
I am trying to detach from it. I am trying to see it for what it is - just another side of the same coin. I just needed to put this out there because I know you understand.
I grieve for authenticity in my marriage. I don't know if I will ever have it again.
Thank you for reading.
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Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
Acceptance acceptance acceptance.....UGH. I totally understand where you are at. That saying, "Fake it til you make it" used to drive me nuts because I felt my entire marriage was like that, for 20 years! That's a long time to be faking it, you know?
I had to grieve a lot of losses in my marriage and it was a process, just as you are seeing now. I really don't have much advice except to put the focus on yourself, do the next right thing, and work your Al Anon program around acceptance. Acceptance doesn't mean we accept unacceptable behavior, either, it just means that we accept the situation/person/etc for what it is knowing that we have no control over changing them/it/whatever.
Sending you lots of support today. I truly know where you're at!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I used to say my xah would stand outside of our house if it were on fir. The fire department would show up and he would send them away by telling them everything is fine. In the meantime I'm running around outside screaming the house is on FIRE why can't you see that?! Going to Alanon helped me realize that I was not alone in this mediphore. I got tired of living with a ghost .. The one who would show up when he wanted to look good and be present. Alanon helped me remember and remind myself of who I really am regardless of if the A is in my life or not. Slogans of say what you mean .. Mean what you say .. Don't say it mean. I can now safely stand in my truth and feel solid in my own choices and consequences. My kids have no choice no voice .. So there are times they need to speak their truth and there are times I stand forward to do so. I had to do what was best for them because my xah still doesn't see an issue with his behavior. I leave it alone unless it impacts me financially. Hugs .. Alanon is a very safe place to be you and figure out what you want .. Stay or leave .. Both very difficult decisions. You are not going to figure an A out. It will make you less crazy making to stop. Hugs again.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you both for your responses. I needed to feel heard, validated and hugged. Acceptance, doing the next right thing, say what I mean without being meanall good advice and I will make these my mantra today. I will be happy this first day of Advent, be present with my children, and stop trying to figure this out. I will not cause myself any more pain. That is in my control.
Phew.
Moving forward.
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Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
can so idenify. AH was a total rat last night. he said,lets watch a xmas movie,a tv one u taped. Every five minutes he got up and went to his room and swigged vodka while texting to that evil girl who delivers him his booze when he cant drive. He kept saying that i didnt care and maybe when i leave she will live there. such sick people,she is like 25 yrs younger than him and a soulless person. Last nite i remembered that it didnt matter and went to sleep. This morning the typical guilt offering on sunday[ McDonalds breakfast }
grrrr its his circus and he can be with his own freak show!!
Acceptance is the answer for this situation and I can so relate.....another key skill for me was the One Day at a Time. I decided long ago that when my husband is acting present and attentive, that's when I'll ask for real help....Please watch the kids, I need to go to a meeting. Please clean out the garage, the kids will help...
Instead of looking at it as phony and insincere, I decided to use it to my advantage, if I could - as best I could. Many times, only half the garage got cleaned and/or when I came back from a meeting, the boys were left to their own devices, but nobody died and half effort was better than no effort.
In this program, as I found myself and let go of expectations and practiced acceptance, I became more 'sane'. My actions, reactions, emotional outbursts, etc. pretty much tapered off and I became more consistent in all areas of my life. So, for me, I tried to live one day at a time, accept whatever gift/help/peace I could get and continued on with my day, my way. I considered these moments 'gifts' instead of fake/phony....over time.
Putting on my other hat for a moment, I can't tell you how often I hear in AA meetings that people would wake up, pray to not drink, want to be different, try to go through the motions of 'normal', and then find themselves drunk as a skunk at the end of the day. I share this as for an alcoholic, recovery is a choice but the compulsion to drink is not. An alcoholic believes that just one will help, but one is never enough. It's truly a compulsive disease of the mind, body and spirit. An alcoholic doesn't drink because of anybody or anything, but rather out of a physical need or emotional void/need. If consequences and/or love were enough, people would not die from this disease. So, what you see as phony may actually just be his 'best effort' for that day. This is where a deeper understanding of the disease and compassion help with acceptance and forgiveness.
(((Hugs))) - just take what you like and leave the rest!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
