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I spent 6 overnights and 7 partial days at the hospital with my 89 year old MIL. She didnt have to wait for a nurse to come in when she was hot or cold, needed a blanket on or off, needed to go to the bathroom. She was very forgetful because of some of the drugs she was on so I also acted as her memory and she was glad of it because she just didnt remember the first few days. I didn't mind at all, Its what I do, I like to help take care of people if I am able. She has been very good to me, as good as my own mother who is 85. Well I know when she starts complaining about the food and the nurses that she is getting better. Back to her old self. It is just how she is. As long as I have known her (14 years ) it has always been her way or no way. ( I am not complaining, just venting because I know I can here). No matter I still respect this woman because that was what I was taught to do or how I was raised.
Well Monday morning I made the BIG mistake, knowing she was getting better, and still trying to help her with her memory. Ha! They didn't bring her coffee with her breakfast so he nurse said I will get you a cup. She brought her a tiny styrofoam cup of coffee and MIL says well this place is going to hell in a handbag. So I said well I am going downstairs to get coffee, I will bring you up a cup she said NO i don't like their coffee...and I said but mom you drank it twice this week...she said NO I DID NOT.... so I said ok...brought her one anyway in case she changed her mind. Then the nurse came in with her pills. Said you can have 2 pain pills the Dr upped the medication for you. She said oh good I get 2 this time. An hour later when AH came to pick me up she starts complaining about not getting the right dose of medication. SO yep I stepped in again LOL ... said mom they gave you 2 pills. She said NO THEY DID NOT EITHER. I said mom I heard her say it and you said good, I saw her give it to you. And she said nothing to that. AH said to calm down, and I said no I dont like being called a liar, that is twice today. Of course she heard that, and said well ok if you say the gave me 2. And I thought it was over. On my way out I kissed her good bye and said I will be back this evening. She said ok and then apologized to me, I said don't worry about it we are both just tired and cranky.
I came home and took a nap. While I was sleeping she called and left a message. She said Debbie they put another patient in the room so you cannot stay with me tonight. Little did she realize I had left a bunch of my stuff there so that evening I went in to get it, and guess what...no other patient and she had my chair-bed removed. I said if you didn't want me back all you had to do was say so...she proceeded to say that's what they told me. I didn't believe her. And I know I should not have done this but on my way out I spoke to the nurse, and she said no we keep that room and another room as private rooms ( I was hoping they would say yes we were going to but another bed became available)...I was wrong to question her but I did it anyway because at first I was hurt..AT FIRST.
Then I talked to HP and myself. First of all she didn't ask me to stay with her, I volunteered to do it. They say 2 women in the kitchen is a no go. It was fine while she was down and out but now she isn't so she doesn't need my help anymore. I have to learn to let go when its time to let go. This is very difficult for me. I could have gone to school to be a nurse but we all know they don't have the time to do everything that we want to do for the patient. I am no longer hurt, upset, or mad I am just glad I could be there for her when she really needed me. I am glad I had the time on my hands to do so, or she would not have had anyone there with her at all, not even during the day. AH and his sister just assume leave her there, or in a nursing home, which honestly now that she is off that chemo pill I dont thing she needs that. But I am just the daughter in law and its none of my business.
I still have not figured out what lesson I have learned here, I am still working on that. I am sure it is in one of the steps. But I am still not past step 3 yet. LOL .. anyway..thank you all again for letting me vent it out.
Hey Debra - thanks for a great post. I can relate to many parts of your post. My parents are 81 this year and it is hard to watch them age. My grand-mother lived to be 98 and spent the last 10 years in a nursing home. She was a beautiful, well-groomed stranger for most of my formative years, yet lost her mind towards the end. It was so strange to see this woman I was related to with perfect hair and nails and in a dress become a wild-headed, torn nails gal who wore sweat pants!!! It pained my father who could not deal with her well and felt shame and embarrassment at many things she did as she aged.
Yet, for some reason, I felt compelled to be of service. She never called me by the right name, often referring to me as one of my brothers or my father. But she told stories of her youth and of living before all of our modern conveniences. She would sit in the nursing home, and yell out cheers from cheerleading in HS and, for me, was quite lovely as she became 'real'. I loved her growing up and she had a heart of gold, but I truly never really knew her as I got to know her towards the end of her life.
She had charm, wit and humor that she never felt she could show earlier in life. My grand-father was an A, and neither of them were in recovery. Yet, I could see pure joy and peace in her as her mind forgot all that was recent but held on to all that was dear/near her heart.
The difference between me and my father? I had a program of recovery which allowed me to stay in the present, one day at a time. I had tools that told me I could love someone unconditionally no matter what they were saying or how they were acting. I had been taught that I could start my day over at any time, and that looking for joy brings me peace. This program gave me the ability to see what was great and beautiful in a situation that was less than lovely most days.
I believe that my God was preparing me and teaching me how to do aging with patience, love and tolerance. When I feel frustrated because my parents are confused and/or repeating themselves, I recall my G-Ma and my dad's fear. When I want to step in to assist, I ask how can I help. I use the program with my family just as I use it with my qualifiers - I don't do for them what they can do for themselves, but always offer help as possible.
How great that your life/schedule allowed you to be there for her. How lovely that she apologized when she saw that you were hurt. And, how great that you were able to detach with love when the time was right? Keep your dignity, keep your faith and most importantly, keep your program/tools close by. And of course, humor certainly helps when dealing with aging/ill loved ones as I know my dad carried around hurts that my G-Ma didn't remember longer than a minute! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
