Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

where i am today

deacon · Senior Member

What I get from reading your posts is that this is mostly your fault, some of your family's fault and a huge amount of the other woman's fault. Just wondering where is it his fault! It kind of seems to me that him forwarding 'her' texts to you is rather like him scoring. It feeds his ego to have another woman panting after him while he is the 'decent' guy who is showing all.

You appear to be stuck between what you feel is right for you and the fear of what life would be like if you do divorce him. Seen from a strictly bystander's view with no dog in the fight, it really can't get much worse for you. He sleeps around, he lies, he treats you without respect. Your daughter sees that and thinks that this is the normal way for husbands to treat their wife.

You really need some help to examine your thinking and to lay aside that huge guilt load you are carrying. That is what meetings are for and they work if you let them. I guess one huge concern, as I see it, is your throwing away your family's support because your mother is being manipulative. I don't see her behavior as that- I think she may be tired of enabling you in the relationship and is detaching to preserve her own sanity.

You do need some space, some separation from him so that you can recover yourself. Then if the counseling works and he has proved that he is determined to stay sober, you could reconnect but that should be a long way down the road.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

TOC I am sorry to add that I too agree with Deacon I do believe that she touched on all the points that I observed as well.

Continued positive thoughts on the way

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello TOC,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so conflicted, it is one of the toughest places that we put ourselves.

Is there something in your life that you have always wanted to do? What would you do today if you knew that you couldn't fail?

Five years down the line and I still think about 'the other woman' most days. More fool me, and I'm fairly certain that would not be the case if I had been more proactive in moving on with my life rather than trying to consider the well being of others. I blamed the other woman so much that I ignored my husband's part - it was my way of protecting my home and marriage at the time and I think that I did that because I felt that I needed that security of a familiar roof over my head. Looking back now I can see that my marriage at that time offered absolutely no security. In fact quite the opposite. I struggled to believe that I had made such a massive error of judgement for so long and I was using denial to protect myself.

Can I remind you that you are stronger than you think? I wish I could gift you the freedom to trust your own judgement - but that is perhaps the gift we learn to gift ourselves my friend!

Sending (((((((hugs))))))))

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I have heard an old timer in Alanon talk about being addicted to excited misery. I can relate to that. I wasnt comfortable with peace, it was a bit scary, wondering what was coming next. The chemicals that ran through my body during a crisis or drama and upset was addictive and that was a big reason I stayed. I kind of enjoyed it.

Im not saying leave or stay, we dont do that in alanon. I have one question, why do you not join alanon? You are being urged to by people who truly know what this feels like and have had help and are better and living happy lives. Could you fear recovery? It might be worth thinking about. The victim martyr role that we all play before recovery keeps us in the lie that its all everyone elses fault, the Alcoholic, the other woman, the parents. Its the whole world to blame. What if the truth sets you free? You have choices but the chances of you making any real changes for the better without learning to work the program are pretty slim. 'Our thinking becomes distorted.' So true!!!

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

I came here to alanon bc i though it woukd give me the tools to k
learn to live amingst the craziness. To learn ti detach, to take care of me. I thught i was doing that. Niw um starti.g to think i simy orolonged the agony. I hate and divorce will be mess. . A different mess than that which i kniw at least. I hear all of you. I have misdirected y anger possibly out of fear to reamin in known chaos . I feel like i want to still proceede with finding out the steps forgetting out. . He wants time and counseling. I have sort of agreed to the counseling to appease him and fear that its his way of luring me back. I know i will go to counseling defensive and ticked and he wont like thst. Im not sure i csn change that. Hes so proud that hesgoing to a Recovery meeting and im mad because now that gives me false hope and buys him time. . I think i neeed to goback to my plan of cnslg and div mediator. Its not what he wants to heare but it made me feel slightly stronger. And last night he hugged me asnd kissed my forehead. . . I wanted to slap him and cry at the same time because im taking the poor me role and hes all look at me im gonna get better so you will too.

I hate what ive become.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((Hugs)))))))) - they seem to be unlimited, so more ((((((hugs)))))) as well!

Why on earth wouldn't you be ticked?!

Listening to your feelings and going with the ones that restore you as opposed to the things that make you feel 'less than' is a good approach. I like that 'slightly stronger' mention in your post.

There is uncomfortable change going on, but please don't let your negative feelings define you at the moment. They are there for a reason that isn't of your making. You are still a generous, caring, loving person. It shows in your posts. Perhaps you are just not used to directing those good feelings towards yourself? Believe me, when you do it is a fun and positive lesson. (((((Hugs))))))

PS I remember being mightily ticked off by that 'oh, I'm all better now' display. No one tells us 'oh well done, you stayed with an alcoholic,' thought I, and yes, I felt mighty sorry for myself as well!! I have, subsequently, had people say 'wow, I love what you are doing, I wish I had your life' and I couldn't wish for better praise really, although I do sometimes think 'if only they knew how stuck I had been, and how easy it is to go there again - that mud clean pulled my wellies off!!!!'

Thinking those negative thoughts just added to my bad feelings about myself for a while, good lord, I was abusing me!*?!! I placed an imaginary glittering, jewelled mesh of armour between myself and the people that hurt me - that helped.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

TOC I hear a very strong determined women under the person who has agreed to "His" requests. I believe that you have worked your program well and know what you need and want in order to survive.

You are no longer invisible to yourself and have the tools to implement the kind of life that will make you safe and eventfully happy.

Prayers for courage, sernity and wisdom never go unnaswered

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

TOC - (((Hugs))) for you and prayers and positive thoughts for your entire family.

I think each and every person here would take away your pain if we could. I think each and every person here has felt as you do and we, like many others, fully understand how you feel - the betrayal, the shame, the fear, the anxiety, etc. We are here for you as best we can be...

You have more power than you think - we all see that too. I want to share with you this morning that feelings are very, very real but feelings are not facts. When we work this program and use the tools, we own our feelings and learn to take those, process them, examine our part and then forgive and learn and do the next right thing.

You have the choice to stay or go.

You have the choice to participate in counseling or not.

You have the choice to share outside of your home or not.

You have the choice to separate, divorce or not.

You have the choice to stay in misery or move beyond it.

You have the choice to evict the 'other woman' from your head or not.

You have the choice to recover or not.

The ball is in your court. Like others have suggested, you seem to be stuck on what has happened and what others have done to you. There is nothing that you can do to change anything from the past nor can you change people, places, things. All we have is today - to chose how we want this day to be. Doing the next right thing is often suggested in our program as one action or step forward tends to show us we have the power/strength and leads to another.

In Al-Anon, we do not typically focus on what others do, have done or will do. We focus on ourselves, sharing ESH with others so that we may find peace - no matter what anybody else is or is not doing. You seem to be stuck, very, very stuck. Why not try one of the many things we've suggested to see if it helps you? For me, perpetual anger and blaming others does absolutely nothing good. It makes me physically and emotionally sick, which in turn keeps me stuck in that place in time.

I will quote one line from another source, "If you have decided you want what we have, and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps." The choice is yours, and while we all would carry you to and through the program if we could, we can not. Know that we are all here for you and hope you will choose recovery.

You are worthy, strong and deserving of recovery and peace. Choose you - choose to work on regaining your own personal power - choose recovery and peace. We are all pulling for you but can not pull you.

(((Hugs)))

KT2015 · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry you are going through this. I was seriously considering leaving my husband about 4 months ago. I felt like I "should" do it because his drinking had interfered so much with our marriage. I was conflicted about it though. Unsure of what to do. I went to a counsellor for help with how to make the decision. The counsellor helped me get to Alanon, helped me start doing self care for me and he told me that when it was time to leave I would know it. I could trust my decisions. So I decided until I was truly sure I would stay. We are in counselling too. You have the ability to make the right decisions for you. Trust in yourself and your decisions. Sending you hugs and strength.

mjferg · Senior Member

I experienced a lot of pain in my relationship with my ex also.I guess for me I got lost in an ever changing landscape of drama and chaos.Looking back I realize it was a cat and mouse type of thing as there were times my ex was unfaithful,it was like a game for him.He thrived on attention from women and I suppose his low self esteem caused it.He was just an unhealthy person and he was taking me down with him.I made the decision to end the painful cycle.I know where you are at right now,the overwhelming pain,fear,and anger.It sounds like you need to take some time for yourself,get yourself back.When I am struggling with a lot of emotions I try to find a quiet place and listen,really listen to my inner voice,it is telling you what to do,you just need to listen.Maybe take a walk or go to a park and sit with nature and try to reconnect with you,that is what we lose in these relationships and we can't make decisions for us.I wish you peace.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Ocean are you going to in person Alanon meetings? If not, they might help you. Online recovery can be a great way to hide from making decisions and taking actions that support ourselves. In one of your posts, you said you have a sponsor. It's good to have an in person sponsor and meet with them to work the program and get support while you make choices. MIP is a great place to come for some additional support but this is not "real" Alanon as is stated at the top of the board. Many people work a very good program here but online recovery really does not provide much accountability. Showing up at in person meetings, working the steps and sharing face to face with other program people and experiencing that kind of mutual trust and vulnerability with one another in person will give you confidence and strength.

Only you know if you're ready ocean to move from morbid dependency and denial to a happy, joyous and free life.

I also agree with Deacon's response.

I suggest you broaden your world to include lots of Alanon meetings. It would be nice to hear you feeling more serenity when you share here. The in person fellowship at Alanon meetings and continuing to connect with your sponsor can help. I would honestly ask myself, ocean "what am I getting out of it?" in relation to staying in the marriage.

Wishing you the best as you continue this journey of self discovery one day at a time. (((hugs))) TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Wednesday 28th of October 2015 09:33:32 AM

Jazzie18 · Senior Member

Everyone detaches in a different way. For me I find it very hard to detach when you are physically living with the alcholic. I have asked this before, can you not move out and get some physical distance between you and your husband. I don't feel like you have to rush into divorce. Divorce is a big step. Can't find some time to gain some perspective, continue with meetings, counseling and see where you go from there. Are you worried that with time you will cave? Maybe you have to see this a different way and realize that with some added time you will see your options clearer and those options may still be to proceed with divorce. Either way, sending you my prayers at this difficult time.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I think "I've hate what I've become" is a good place to start.
You can't make decisions that are going to bring you any happiness or serenity if you are making them from a place of self hatred. Usually, if I am making decisions that affect someone I hate, I don't choose things that will make them happy...you know?

I wonder if it's possible to let go of trying to make decisions regarding forgiving HIM, not forgiving HIM, what anyone ELSE thinks or who is to blame for your husband's horrible behaviour and instead give your attention to the person that needs and deserves it most. You. You deserve your own kindness, and love and forgiveness.

He can celebrate recovery all he likes. But you're miserable and in pain, and you need your energy and attention for you right now.

Meetings help.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene