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My son called me yesterday at work to tell me that his dad had another binge while he was staying at XAH's house. He said that he got woken up at 3 AM while XAH was playing the drums until 5:30 AM. He then told me that he had to take Uber to school and back home again because the ex was non responsive all day. He finally got his dad to wake up around 6 PM. XAH is blaming his medications and told our son that he'll make an appointment with his psychiatrist.
Lots of weird stuff is going on. XAH told our son that he is going to quit his job and travel around the country. The last bad binge he had was last Sunday and my son said that his father kept barging into his room and flicking on the lights in the middle of the night and talking to him while he was trying to sleep.
I have told my son that he needs to start staying with me more frequently but he seems to be reluctant to leave his dad. He's playing the typical enabler role. He told me, "Oh, hey, mom, I need to go clean up a glass that dad broke out on the back porch. He fell asleep in a chair and dropped the glass." I told him, "NO! He needs to see what's going on and it's not your job to clean up after him."
I'm so very tired of alcoholism today. I have a job interview with a new company via phone in an hour and all I can think about is how my XAH is going to be found dead soon and how I'm going to handle that fallout with my son. Our son is going to be 17 in a week and I know that I really can't control him or where he wants to be and I don't think fighting about custody in court is going to be worth the fight since the court case would probably take a few months anyway.
Sigh....I'm just so very tired of this. I feel beaten down, demoralized. I feel like alcoholism has won the battle and I'm not ready for any more battles today. I need this other job, too. It will be a half hour closer to my home and will be with a company where there's lots of possibilities for advancement and chances to increase my pay. Right now, I'm in a dead end job that's 35 miles from home, taking me 50 minutes to drive through rush hour. I want to be home more for my son and this other job would be ideal. Only my HP knows if this is in my future.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
((Andromeda))) Positive thoughhts and many prayers on the way. I do so understand how dreadful this disease truly is and understand your concern and pain . I would reinforce this fact to your Son and point out that he can call 911 if he is alarmed or frightened.
(((andromeda))) - Prayers to you and yours. This disease is brutal and ugly and we all have those moments where we feel it defeats us. I am sorry that's where you are / were today. I hope your job interview goes wonderfully for you and that HP leads you to your next right thing.
My two sons are 23 and 21 and both my qualifiers. Even though my third qualifier, my AH, did not actively participate in their live(s), they tend to prefer him over me. I'm not saying that happens in your world - just that it does here. I believe they have pity for him and we all know that pity doesn't get you anywhere....
Focus on you and love your son. I agree with Betty - since he chooses to be there for now, make sure he knows what to do if there is an emergency. Beyond that, letting Go and letting God sounds like a great plan, just for now, this moment!!
Huge (((Hugs))) to you all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I hear you. Sorry your feeling this way. The tools like the three cs might help. You didn't cause this, can't control or cure it. Your sons father is an alcoholic, again you didn't cause that either. He's going to experience many consequences of this and again you can't control that either. This is part of your sons journey through life. All you can do is be there for your son as he deals with his dad in his own way. My ex looked like he would die too when I first left him and the whole family detached from him, not as a punishment but because it was painful to see. It didn't take too long until he realized he had no one and he got aa and sobriety. I think because he was left to feel the full consequences of his drinking.X
I understand your feelings. When my late AH was suffering the health effects of his drinking, I wanted to protect my children, who were in their 20s. I found that by being able to help, they felt better, and they did help both of us by assisting and being there during emergencies. I did not understand how they could still love him. but they did. They felt better knowing what was going on and taking action, rather than being kept in the dark.
The idea of making sure your son knows what to do in a medical emergency -- and it sounds like there will be one -- sounds good. Maybe he could take first aid class, a useful skill anyway. If it is your son's choice to stay in the situation, perhaps you could think of supporting him by guiding him to the skills to take care of himself. And also that he knows not to try to handle it alone, but to call for help when needed.
My kids and I went through hell, but we came out stronger.
Oh boy, so stressful. One thing is that I'm glad you are out of this situation. I know it might be easy to think "If I were still there it wouldn't have happened..." - but he was on a downward slide and it was going to happen, because that's what happens with alcoholism.
This would be terrifying to me if I were a teen. Is your son open to Alateen or to Al-Anon?
My own sense is that this is not a healthy environment for a kid (or for anyone) and that he shouldn't be staying with his dad in this situation. I don't know if you can prevent it, but surely no court would insist on custody in these circumstances? What I mean is not to get the agreement changed, but to say that he shouldn't go over there.
I just finished hammering out my formal custody agreement and I put in a clause specifically saying I didn't have to send my son over if there was drunkenness going on - this makes me very glad I insisted on this. It seems theoretical when I put it in, but clearly it is not.
Your new job opportunity sounds wonderful. Hoping it or something like it comes through! Remember that although your XAH is stuck in this situation (of his own choosing), you are not. You are a model for your son of how to handle bad things that life throws at you, and keep your focus on the healthy stuff. Hang in there!
Andromeda you're facing in the right direction even if there are stumbling blocks in the way. I remember the journey well myself and the simple teachings of Al-Anon about how to walk around the blocks. Prayers for your employment needs...warm one from the Pacific. (((hugs)))
I get very fed up with the disease too. I hear ya. Its not in our control though, as you know. Sending prayers for peace your way. Good luck on the job interview.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Update on the job interview stuff: it was a 40 minute interview and she told me she liked me and wanted to set me up for a face to face onsite interview. My interview is scheduled for Monday morning. Prayers and positive thoughts would be appreciated!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thinking good thoughts for you - what a great blessing from HP in the middle of a storm huh? So glad you are keeping the focus on you. Let us know how it works out! :)
So sorry to hear about the X. With your son being as old as he is at some point he may just decide he doesn't want to go see his dad. Hugs. I'm so happy to hear you are interviewing for a different job!!!! God luck and many prayers!!!
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Update on the job interview stuff: it was a 40 minute interview and she told me she liked me and wanted to set me up for a face to face onsite interview. My interview is scheduled for Monday morning. Prayers and positive thoughts would be appreciated!
Awesome news - thanks for coming back to share! When I read your post, I was doing the happy dance for you.
Prayers and positive energy headed your way for the next step of this process.
(((Hugs))) too - we're pulling for you girl!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great news re job interview. Prayers and positive thoughts forthcoming!
Re son and drunk dad- none of us came to any kind of understanding through al-anon because we were told to. We each experienced what we didn't like and arrived at a point where we needed something different. Your son is lucky to have you as a resource and a support; I wonder if on some level he needs to have the experience and grow from it? I bet even if he is showing some enabling tendencies at the moment he will reject them pretty smartly in time. You can't alter or influence his relationship with his father but you can model self care and detachment and that's a very valuable gift to give him.
Hugs and crossed fingers!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
congratulations and of course many positive warm thoughts for your face to face interview. Xo