The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i find myself posting on here for the first time because I need to tell my story and would welcome your advice. This will be a very long post, however I need to let it out.
Yesterday I walked away from a 10 month relationship. My ex-partner is a good person but his life is ruled by alcohol. He would sneak a drink or two before work, go to the pub at lunch time and then start drinking again when he got home. This has become progressively worse throughout out relationship, however he doesnt admit that there is a problem (which seems to be the pattern). In July things took a turn for the worse and he started to verbally attack me about my 20yo daughter who lives with me. She's a wonderful daughter and works, studies, does drink.....everything any mother could wish for. For 3 weeks he constantly told me she was 'soft', I had to get rid of her, she was ruining our relationship, she was ungrateful etc etc. The 3 of us had booked an overseas holiday earlier in the year and had I known that this situation would arise I never would have gone ahead with the plans. He had turned from a man who started out doting on my daughter to someone who wanted me to push her away. As expected, this tyraid continued on our holiday and after we arrived home. It was like something had snapped in his head and he was a different person. After a while he settled down, however the damage had been done. He has a job which he started earlier in the year after being unemployed for a very long time, however I found out he had been lying to me about the fact that he was going to work. We didnt live together so I guess it was easy for him to lie. I have since found out that he is debt to the point of bankruptcy. I have been supporting him emotionally and financially with food etc. No cash because I knew that he would spend the money on alcohol. Still the situation continued. I would take him to doctors appointments because he would cancel them if he had to go to them alone. I would take time off work to go and check that he was ok when he didnt answer the phone for a period of time. Everytime the going got too tough for him he would threaten suicide. Up until last week I had taken on the burden of dealing with this myself, however the last straw was when he spent his last $10 on alcohol and after leaving my house one day to go home and supposedly start to get his life in order, I found him at the pub. In a final effort to get help I contacted his family and asked for help. They have been extremely supportive and I have found out that this behaviour has been going on for a very long time. We arranged an intervention last week in which he was offered money to help pay his debts and the loan of a car so he could get to work. Of course he was calm while his brothers were here, however after they left I wore the brunt of his verbal anger. I managed to keep him sober over the weekend, but I know that as soon as he got back to his house he was back on the alcohol. The verbal abuse via phone and messages continued all weekend until I finally realised that I had done everything in my power to help him, however he had no intention of doing anything to help himself. Somehow I found the courage to end it which was difficult, mainly because I had fallen into the habit of being his 'carer' and I felt guilty for walking away.
I still hold the feeling of guilt and disappointment that I couldnt help him, but have come to the realisation that I cant do it for him. I have my life and that of my daughter to think about and I have finally put these as my first priority. Its very early days, but today I feel strangely empowered and free.
My ex-husband was also an alcoholic and unfortunately he committed suicide 3 years ago. I lived the nightmare that is alcohol for 16 years and swore that I would never do it again. I must be a glutton for punishment. For some reason I think I can 'save' these people. But in my heart I know Im fighting a losing battle.
Thank you for reading my story. Putting everything in writing helps to straighten things out in my head.
Welcome Jean Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts with such honesty and clarity, I am so sorry to read of the loss of your husband and difficulty you are experiencing in the painful relationship that you are now in.
Alcoholism is indeed a dreadful, disease over which we are powerless. By living with the insanity of the disease we develop many negative coping tools to survive the insanity and so need a program of recovery of our own. Alanon is that program . Face to Face meetings are held in most communities an the hot line number is in the white pages
You deserve the support and wisdom of these rooms. Please keep coming back here as well as there is hope
I too welcome you to MIP. Thank you for sharing your story and where you are. I too am sorry for the loss of your ex-h - I am certain that was difficult and so sorry for the pain... I used to also have a 'savior' complex - I had to really look at that as I would 'adopt strays' beyond my own qualifiers.
Betty is absolutely correct about the disease being so powerful and progressive. The best part of the Al-Anon program is that you get to learn more about it, how it affects the diseased and all those who love/live with them.
If you struggle to find any local meetings, there are 2 each day here at MIP. Just look to the top left and you'll find the schedule and the link to the meeting/chat rooms.
I applaud your courage to make a change from your current relationship. It's never difficult to walk away from someone you care about, but recovery is a personal journey. Join us now and keep your hope going that he'll choose it too.
So glad you are here - keep coming back and know that you aren't alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I too applaud you - when I read the line in your post that talk about making your life and your daughter your first priorities I felt a peaceful joy and a sense of inspiration as well.
I can only imagine how difficult and stressful it must have been for you to feel that history was repeating, but I think that you have shown great love and wisdom and strength. I hope you can seek out nurturing friendships and apply some of that loving strength to your own well being now - and I agree, isn't it wonderful when we can connect with others who have walked similar paths?! Sending gentle ((((((hugs))))))
Welcome to MIP, as well! JJ, please seek out Al-anon meetings in your locality. The program and meetings will help you come to terms with what has been happening to you with your 'A' and also help you to see the patterns in your life that seem to lead you to alcoholics. Wishing you the best and please keep coming back to let us know how you are doing.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Jean, this sight is a wonderful safety net. When I first started coming here I was so confused and lost. This site has helped with clearing my head and showed me that so many people are like me. Keep coming and reading and posting when needed. Join the meetings, they are always very helpful. Glad you are here
Hi Beth.....even though I only posted for the first time today, Ive already realised how wonderful it is to be able to tell my story to people in similar situations. Unless you've lived the nightmare you can't truly understand what its like. There are so many negative emotions that we deal with in these situations and it is mentally and physically draining. My self-esteem has once again been damaged by the situation but Im strong and I know I can get through this (unfortunately Ive done it before). I plan to start going to meetings for support but I thought Id start off on here. Its also nice to be able to vent without being judged.
Hi Jeannie, post all you want here, we aren't here to judge, we are here to lend experience, strength, and hope to you and all of us. That is what you will find at a face to face meeting as well. It sounds like you have been through the wringer, but now that you have found some people with common experience, hopefully you can gain some serenity in your life. We use the serenity prayer a lot - God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. It sounds like you have gathered up the courage to change something you could, good for you! now, working the steps could help you understand more about yourself, helping you to understand why you have been repeated the alcoholic merry go round.
I actually went and spoke to the chaplain where I work and he quoted the Serenity Prayer to me back then. I knew it from my journey with my ex-husband but hadnt thought of it for many years. Im going to put it up on my fridge as a reminder.
Sending gentle ((((((hugs))))))