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Feeling emotionally raw. Those of yiu whobhaven rdg and responding know what chaos my life is in. . Let me add some more. My ah has reached out to a pastor friend, come clean and will be going to.his first cel recovry mtg on thursday. Im left feeling ambivelent, anxious, apathetic and scared. Is tjis just more manipulation? Does he really want to.face ALLL of his deamons of which there are many? Shouod i wait to leave? He insists that if i dont see positive changes he will want me to leave. Hes saying all tje right things. . Hes been home, helping, doing daughter things respecting my space . . All the while i am plagued with pic of confirnation of the affair with a family friend stemming back two.summers ago. . All in drunken stupors. . All while when "sober" he woukd try to.insist i was crazy and they were just friends. I may be crazy but not stupid. That said. . Since finding the pics ive fallen apart, ive told people. . Friends and confirned to family all that has been going on now at the mere thought that i may stay to work this as he works it, friends are already turning backs, coworkers will tjink im a doormat victim&in a therapust and my family has voiced disdain, hatred and fear. Im sick with pain, worry and fear. Any little strength i felt the other day us vanished. Im hungry but cant eat, im seeing dr on wednes to be tested for THOSE diezeases. And i want to bring bodily harm to the other woman. I cant seem to direct my anger at ah. . .I aplogize for typos, and thanks to.those who checked in.on me through pm. . I type on a tablet and well my fingers move too fast. . I feel like a failure. I feel like im failing. I feel there is no win. . I never wanted to lose me. I never wanted a marriage to end in divorrce, i never wanted to feel disowned by my own family. And now i feel.embarrassed humiliated and broken. . Again. . More
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
((TOC)) you are not alone. He can start his recovery program(which is fantastic) and you can continue to attend your alanon meetings, go to see your therapist and not make any decisions about how to work on the future. It is not your families or friends decision. This is your life and you will be guided by HP . You donot have to change your mind, embrace the marriage - you can simply can live one day at a time, praying for guidance and showing up for your life. I would refuse to discuss the issues any further with him until he has truly stopped drinking and is in recovery for a few months.
"what other people think is none of my business" springs to mind. You were angry hurt and are not yourself at the moment. Stay in the now, seperation isn't divorce, when in doubt,don't. You don't have to do anything right now. Meetings to break isolation and for your own strength could help. Xx
TOC - You are not a failure. You need to read your signature line, "When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I agree with Betty - let him do whatever he is going to do. You need to take care of you. I hear your anger but your anger over that which you can not control is freezing you and controlling you. We get through the affects of this disease together, not alone. We rely on each other and the ESH of those who've been there and done that. You do not have to talk to anybody, decide anything, or take action right now, in this very moment.
You need to do something - anything - that will help you find some peace. Take a shower, take a walk, read some literature, eat some dinner, drink a milkshake - something to give your brain and heart a small break.
If he chooses recovery, that's great. If he doesn't get recovery, that happens. We want to help you 'see' that you can be okay no matter what he does or does not do. From my personal experience, I had to stop talking to family and non-program friends about my reality - they passed judgement and offered advice that I did not need at the time.
The only way I could stop reacting when I was new in the program was to work the program. Get to some meetings and work on you - you will find peace if you look for it within.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Gosh, I wish I could give you a big hug. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit. Just reaching out in alanon is courageous. So many just isolate further and further. His choices have nothing to do with you. You did not cause his disease, nor can you control it, or cure it. You just happen to be in the storm of this disease, but you can make strides for yourself to become healthy and feel whole again. In doing this you will be doing a huge favor to your daughter, and even possibly type husband. Step one, admit you are powerlessness over your husbands disease and his decisions. Step 2, pray to something bigger than you to restore you to sanity. Step 3 make a decision to turn your will over to this power higher than you.
Love in alanon. Keep coming back!
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
There is plenty of time after you leave - if he is still sober in 1-2 years you can reconsider then. As for now, yes, it is manipulation. If he were really ready to be sober he would realize that he needs to concentrate on himself, not on getting you back into your old situation. Stay strong. Keep working your program.
I'm imagining that falling feeling that you mention and thinking about it reminded me how I've chosen to seek support from some folks who just can't give it and that when I was feeling my most alone and abandoned and lying curled up on the grassy bank at the back of my house just crying for it all to stop I realised that I wasn't going to die, and that tomorrow would be just the same unless I took some steps on my own. This was when I started to turn the focus onto myself and after a few weeks of small treats every day I realised that I wasn't falling, I was surviving in a really difficult situation. I gently started to try out small things that I could do for myself. I started with painting my finger nails a nice colour! A scented candle in my bedroom. Relaxing bath salts. Passionflower drops in a glass of water. All of these little things seemed to sooth me. It wasn't easy to do it - I was so angry at the unfairness, but it was down to me and now I am grateful for those small steps because since then I've done a writing course and the first stage of a counselling course and I've learnt to make patchwork quilts and I see my friends more often.
I loved that quote of Hotrod's the other day about when salt is thrown at you it only hurts if you have sores. It reminded me how important it was for me to sooth those sore spots.
Thank you all. .I guess i just dont want to be THAT doormat. That wife who tolerated so much she list her soul. I dont want lose my famiky(mom anddad) nor do i want to this family. I want a fulfilling marriage in whic i can trust and not feel so viloated and angry. I want tolnow how to still face myself . I want to stay in this marriage IF wecan get beyond this BUT. . Imnot sure i can or want to. Im not sure what to do about the loved ones ive told whose backs have turned. I dont want people to ookat means shake their heads . Im not sure how toforgive this latest viloation.. . She was a family friend, she took care of pets for ys, sheuves just down the road. I fee i want ticonfront her. I told my therapist that i knew i wanted out and that i just wanted to me. . And now to think that im willing to see what he doesor doesnt do. Do i want to wait?in i leaving to pleasemyself and get ridof the messiness which causes me horrible anxietyor am iwanting to keave bc i cant facemy parents. I understsnd their disdain. I do. .And i shoukdnt have told my moma word. . I kearned that long ago. But after finding the oics i was so detroyed it seemed the onky safe place to turn. Ive tolerated so much while at the same time ive sacrificid so much. Right now its hard for me to look at my husband, ti kook at a beer can to drive by HER house. . Should i harness that anger and go or shoukd i see if hecanbetter himself. Thing is it will takecountless hrs of therapy to get me even in a place where i want share spavce again,not to.mention the lifetime change and therapy before him. In not sure i can do it. . Orshoukd do it. My daughter has enjoyed hsving daddy around this eeeek, i see it inher al the while im feeling lost and disconnected. .
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
The time I"ve sacrificed so much. Right now its hard for me to look at my husband, to look at a beer can to drive by HER house.
Should i harness that anger and go or should i see if he can better himself. Thing is it will take countless hrs of therapy to get me even in a place where i want share space again,not to.mention the lifetime change and therapy before him.
I am not sure i can do it. . Orshould do it. My daughter has enjoyed having daddy around this week, i see it in her all the while i am feeling lost and disconnected. .
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________Hi TOC I took the above quote from your most recent posting because it spoke volumes to me. __ I agree it will take countless hours of therapy and Meetings to affect a positive change in him and your marriage.
If you are trying to decide on your next right action, I would make a pro and con list, re read many of your old postings and the many responses from other like minded members pray about it ,and then make a decision.
Making a decision and acting are extremely important to your mental health. If he is able to work a successful program of recovery there is no reason that, after a time, you can both renegotiate the arrangement.You will be healthier emotionally and have some distance on the events.
This week he has been spending quality time with you and your daughter GREAT --
Over the past several years how many weeks/ days has he devoted his energy to your marriage or you two?. How often have you two waited for him to come home and when he did he was hungover and unpleasant ?
How many conversation have you had with him to discuss how you felt and express your needs? How did he respond?
How often did he take daughter to school or pick her up when it was his responsibility ?
Remember being betrayed by your spouse and a dear friend is devastating and should not be treated as a minor incident to be ignored. They are both equally culpable for the betrayal and it will take a great deal of work on your part to trust again
One day at a time you will get through this no matter what road you take and remember you can always change your mind.
You could go and see. You could wait and see. Ocean, I'm worried about your mainframe from what I'm reading. I see a woman hurt,angry and confused. Not the best decision making place in my experience. I know you want to confront the fraud down the road. Please try to refocus. Think of Your daughter, from her perspective holy smoke the world must look crazy and utterly uncertain right now. Hows it gonna be for her if you lose it and go to this person who honestly doesn't deserve the free rent your giving her in your head. Daughters dad is an alcoholic. The things he has done are awful, absolutely. But, he is in a way mentally defective as a result of his drinking. Your daughter needs one healthy parent, you can control that. If you can't stand to look at him, and believe me I know that feeling, then remove yourself from the home and don't look. Or have him removed. He says he wants to prove his love, tell him to get out for two weeks. You can choose to get off this merry go round. It takes strength, but so did staying in alcoholic marriage for 17 years.
I have been reading all your posts and praying for you and your daughter. I know this is such a hard time. Is there anyway that you can just move out and remove yourself from the chaos and just have some time to sit with your emotions and feelings. I guess my question is what is the rush to divorce. I may not have all the background info though. Couldn't you just seperate now. I think this may help your husband deal a bit better with the situation and give you time to heal a bit. Then it is up to you on where you want to go. I agree that the things he has done are absolutely awful and very very hurtful. Only you can decide where to go from here but a little physical seperation may help you acheive some serenity.
Praying for you. it is chaotic precisely because no final decisions can be made at this point. living one day at a time, one hour at a time, can help in these situations. Knowing what you have to do next, and then just doing it, if you can do that you can look back at the end of the day and realize that you did get something done, even though you felt like laying down and napping and isolating all day. Serenity prayer all day sometimes helps me, keeps me focused on ODAT.
Hi ocean. I'm sorry your in pain through this disease. You have been here a while now and the pain goes on and on. For me, it was about 20 yrs. Living in the same crisis after crisis merrygoround. We get addicted to the pain, we kind of get used to it, become comfortable in it, kind of enjoy holding another human being entirely responsible for our happiness. It's easier that way in some respects. Have you considered that only you are responsible for all your pain? It's not an easy truth. Your ah is acting just like an alcoholic, no big surprise really. But you, your acting like the sick spouse of an a over and over. Could last your whole life if you choose, drama, crisis, pain, drama, crisis, pain. Potentially forever. It's all up to you. Have you attended meetings? Picked up the literature? Choose recovery for you and your family.X
