The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The house is almost finished. My mother-in-law has really helped me a lot. The furniture will be delivered tomorrow morning. The floors will be done in two to three weeks. The cleaning is almost finished. I even got my husband to hang curtains and do all of the yard work this weekend. The past few weeks have kept me so busy that I didn't have time to focus on him, try to control or manipulate him or his addiction. It felt really good. Now that I won't be as busy I am scared I won't have anything to do but try to cure his addiction. Unfortunately, not having time to worry about him also meant I didn't have much time to work my program. I take the steps with me wherever I go, but I haven't been reading or posting. I've been reading posts here though to get me through.
My financial aid has been approved for me to go back to school full time in August. I am very excited about that. I may even take two summer courses. I'll just have to pay for those myself.
My husband and I go to court on the 15th of this month for his Domestic Violence charge. I am looking forward to being there because I am requesting that the court order some sort of substance abuse treatment. He verbalized all of these plans of starting treatment on his own before court and then did nothing. I have not reminded him, asked him about it or made any comments. I am proud of myself because before I would have begged, coerced, threatened and made all of the arrangements myself.
The kids are doing well. My son became slightly toxic from his Lithium, but he is doing much better this weekend. The baby is still sick and all of the tests the GI specialist ran came back negative. We missed her sweat test for the cystic fybrosis because her medicaid was cancelled. I have to reapply. The GI specialist said next they will put her to sleep and run a light down her throat to check her stomach. Poor baby. She's a lot of fun to be around though. I hate feeling helpless when she's sick.
Zounds! All of this activity has really kept your focus off your a. You sound very strong! Good job. That is a worry about the baby. So, what to do to keep your mind off your a when all the activity dies down? Well, of course, goes without saying -- work your program! But what else has been on hold while you've focused more and more on your a? How about your creativity? Writing, painting, carving, decorating, crafts, cooking? What did your enjoy doing before you lost yourself? Do you want to learning a new language, learn to play the piano, learn about quantum physics? Now is your chance. It seems to me that this is a prime opportunity to dredge up and redeem those parts of yourself that got put aside in the trenches. What about hiking, biking, cross country skiing? I know you have children, so possibly some of this isn't feasible, but some of this you can do with children. {{{{{Powerless}}}}}}
I agree - there was a you before all of this, go find her! I've gotten a lot of fun, and self esteem from picking up something I hadn't done since I was a teenager. I'm good at it, and get strokes from people who are not involved in my life in any other way - great for taking the focus off of others.
Do you think about counselling. If you are going to college they often have places for counselling for students for low fee. Do you think that might help?
I try to have multiple resources. My program is not so much about controlling the A or affecting him or trying to affect him but changing me.
I just had to let you know I know what that feeling of "fear" can do. Without the skills I have learned through Al-anon, I would be a mess right now. 1 1/2 years ago I was so mad at my A, after he was drinking about 11 hours that I threw a phone at him. He was laying across the bed and I threw the phone at the wall behind him, when I threw it, he adjusted himself and it hit him in the head. It cut his head and he called 911. I went to jail. We had a no contact order for 3 1/2 weeks, I spent that time at my in-laws, entered an anger management class and learned how co-dependent I had become. I entered a deferred sentence with the court and they ordered me into a 1 year DV treatment. I was angry at first, but I feel so blessed now. I have learned sooooooooo much about me, how I was neglecting myself and every event in my life had become a crisis, especially his drinking. I rarely feel the fear I felt before when it comes to his drinking. He got sober for a few months this last year but went right back to drinking. I set clear goals like you have done with your schooling. I decided I would have a new job that offered benefits. I start tomorrow. I decided to have what I call a "shhhhhh secret bank account" I have one now. I let my guard down when he got sober and used almost all of it to pay bills, but now am back to depositing a little amount each month in there. Now with my mom being sick, my son leaving for Iraq, >>> (his wife) my daughter in-law and the kids living 3000 miles away, she has cystic fibrosis, so I always worry about her health. I am becoming a master at "letting go and letting God". It is so easy for me to get busy with everyday life let alone crisis's that arise, to forget about doing my daily readings, I forget to check in with myself to see how I am feeling. I forget to let myself feel. So during busy times or when things are going smooth in my life I really have to concentrate and focus more on me and what I need to do for me. Hang in there, remember to take care of you. Be gentle with yourself.
You sound very strong! Good job. That is a worry about the baby. So, what to do to keep your mind off your a when all the activity dies down? Well, of course, goes without saying -- work your program! 
But what else has been on hold while you've focused more and more on your a? How about your creativity? Writing, painting, carving, decorating, crafts, cooking? What did your enjoy doing before you lost yourself? Do you want to learning a new language, learn to play the piano, learn about quantum physics? Now is your chance. It seems to me that this is a prime opportunity to dredge up and redeem those parts of yourself that got put aside in the trenches. What about hiking, biking, cross country skiing? I know you have children, so possibly some of this isn't feasible, but some of this you can do with children. {{{{{Powerless}}}}}}