The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a strong feeling he was drinking again tonight/today. I asked him a couple questions(fairly innocent) and got defensiveness throughout the day. He will only drink when he hides it and lies about it. Then, he went out to take the dog outside. I went out after him and heard him cracking the beer open. He jumped and asked what I was doing and I told him I was listening to what he was doing. I didn't get angry at all. Then he proceeded to tell me he was hiding it from me because I don't like anything he does. He acted angry towards me and told me I treated him like a criminal. Maybe I do, who knows?
I'm afraid at his point that he and I will end up going our separate ways. He admits he has a problem, he gets angry about it, and he is trying to get help. Then, he drinks between his AA meetings. I guess in my heart I really feel like he is going to lie to me as long as he thinks he can get away with it. And, if he is going to lie to me our whole marriage, I don't think we will ever make it. I don't think he feels like lying is really wrong.
Anyway, I just had to vent tonight. And if you want to hear something ironic, I was holding the Courage to Change Book in my hand when I went out there. I probably shouldn't have gone but I get tired of him playing me for a fool because I really am not a stupid person.
I can relate to the feeling of being lied to. My wife has "relapsed" over the last few weeks. Not sure why, but she was sober for almost a year and a half and now she seems to be drinking pretty regularly now.Over a year ago it was really bad and she attempted to kill herself. She wrote a note and actually made a video tape. The strange thing was that we were all home at the time. 3 kids and me. I called 911, as this was not the first time. Well, she went in for a psych hold and was kept for 4 days. She came out of that and went into the AA program. It has been rocky for the last year or so and now this.
Tonight she asked me for the video tape. I had nearly put it out of my mind. She says she needs to see what she was like to help her stop drinking, that she cannot stop drinking on her own and that she wants to see it. I told her is was gone. She got very angry, saying I promised to let her see it some day. Then she told me to be honest and tell me if I still had it. I nearly jumped out of my skin, her telling me to be honest!!! I told her I would give the tape to her AA sponsor or her doctor and she got very angry with me. At that time i just left the room.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I have a real hard time dealing with all the drama. I really don't think she will try to kill herself. We have little kids and they are being exposed to all this.
Sometimes I do not see any future in our marriage or family. It seems every other day I am trying to figure out the finances to see what the impact would be if we separated. Then I come home and go through a roller coaster ride from all is well to she wants a divorce or she says I want a divorce. I am afraid to actually say the divorce is an option for fear of what impact that will have on her. Up until recently, I really never considered divorce but lately it seems like it may be an option.
I guess I will simply live for now, hug my kids, tell my wife I love her and take it one day at a time.
Alcoholics drink, that's what they do. They also lie, and throw blame around. They will do this until they are honestly working hard at a program of recovery. (and sometimes even then)
That's what THEY do. What are YOU gonna do? We need to keep the focus on US, because when we focus on them, life is a roller coaster.
Marcie: I know I cannot live with that walking on eggshells stuff. If the boyfriend is late I wonder is he lying again. Everything appears to be a lie. I have had to put the focus on me and work on my plan. What is the next step on my plan and keep at that. I cannot focus on him and proving he is lying because really he knows he is lying.
I can understand the bitterness and the anger and the sadness. The insanity for me is in trying to change him and not trying to change me.
