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Wow, I'm doing a terrible job detaching. Well I did yesterday. I'll try to start over today.
My A keeps saying things like - I know I f'ed up big time this time. - I'm going to come home and do what ever I need to do. I just want to come home. - I'm going to stop drinking. - I've grown up alot in the last few days.
Problems for me are I've heard it all before. Why would I believe it this time. This coupled with the fact that I see the same behaviors flying all around. I know that the behavior won't change overnight but I'm still astounded with the selfishness that abounds.
- She called like 15 times yesterday. She started asking me to ask the two kids that wouldn't talk to her (and one only visited once).
I've told her over and over, that they will talk when ready. Her latest try was, ask (our son) if he wants to draw me a picture? I lost it, I was yelling in the phone. Draw you a picture ? You Got to be Freaking sh***ing me !!!!!! She said, well I just thought I could put it on my wall. I screamed more, You just took down every item given to you or had anything to do w/ you children and either destroyed it or placed it on the coach. You told them that you weren't their mother. And NOW you want him to draw you a picture? It's still all about you and making you feel better and the feelings of anyone else, including your own children don't count for anything. You want me to pressure him to talk to you because it will make you feel better. You want him to draw you a picture because it will make you feel better!
At one point she said something that triggered me to relate the events of the morning. How her daughter found her and asked me, "Is she ok or is she dead?" I told her I checked her to see if she was breathing, she was and told my daughter she was alive and to get in the car while I called 911. My A then asks, "can I just ask you something? Where you more concerned about if I was breathing or that your daughter saw me?"
Truly unbelievable. I know she is sick and it's a disease. Addiction and mental illness whatever. But ya know what? If someone had cancer that wouldn't excuse they to crap on people because they were afraid of dying either.
We don't have to accept inappropriate behavior. Sure I don't have to scream either but ....... aaaaaaaaargggggggghhhhhhhhhh
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Bob - no one should have to see what your family has seen! Give yourself time to process what all has happened. When you want to yell, grab that screw! I have found in pastoral care that tangible items do help. Hold it, squeeze it and know we are here, then speak. Just as if you were giving a speech in front of a crowd. Stop, think, Speak. There are often coins in hospital gift shops with the sernity prayer on them, that you could carry and grab when ever you need, if you can't find one, I'll mail you one, let me know! Know we are with you ever moment of ever day. And what would you say to her if we were standing with you?
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
What an awful thing for your family to have to go through! I am so sorry for you all. And through the whole story, you summed it up in your last paragraph"
"We don't have to accept inappropriate behavior."
This is the message I have tried to get across to so many people.
I will hold you and your children and your A close in my prayers.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hi Bob I understand your frustration and you are right to protect your kids. Really the kids themselves will decided how much participation they want from their Mother in their lives. She has shattered a lot of their self esteem and that will be hard to re-build. It is easy for us to say detach but gee it is hard when the anger is so deep. Remember you are fallible and none of us are meant to seek perfection in our programme. Luv Leo xx
I am really sorry that you and the kids have to go through this pain. You are in the right to be angry with your "a". It's hard to seperate and say to yourself, they're sick and need help and yet they only can talk about themselves and their pain. You and your family are in my prayers for healing and peace. Your children are blessed to have you as a grounding force in their lives, and you have this program and HP to be your grounding force.
I have had my share of experiencing the fear of losing my mother, twice she tried to commit suicide when I was a teen. It was scary and confusing to me. Later, I became angry that she would want to leave me to deal with life on my own. I felt abandoned at times. I remember living in the house after she came home from the hospital walking on eggshells because I didn't want to upset her. My Dad tried to help but unfortunately I don't think he knew what to say. My mom sought healing through God and counseling and eventually was able to express to me why she did what she did and how sorry she was. It has helped me in my times of despair and grief because I want to be stronger than that for my kids. What I needed the most at that time was for my Dad to just hug me and tell me it was going to be o.k. and spend time with me. Hang in there, I know its hard to reach the kids sometimes, they know you are there for them.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Dear Bob, You are here for all of us so often, and now we are here for you. Please be patient with yourself no matter how you respond to what is going on right now. You have been through a lot. You and your family are in my prayers. Blessings, mebjk
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go.
Detaching with Love
Sometimes people we love do things we don't like or approve of. We react. They react. Before long, we're all reacting to each other, and the problem escalates.
When do we detach? When we're hooked into a reaction of anger, fear, guilt, or shame. When we get hooked into a power play - an attempt to control or force others to do something they don't want to do. When the way we're reacting isn't helping the other person or solving the problem. When the way we're reacting is hurting us.
Often, it's time to detach when detachment appears to be the least likely, or possible, thing to do.
The first step toward detachment is understanding that reacting and controlling don't help. The next step is getting peaceful - getting centered and restoring our balance.
Take a walk. Leave the room. Go to a meeting. Take a long, hot bath. Call a friend. Call on God. Breathe deeply. Find peace. From that place of peace and centering will emerge an answer, a solution.
Today, I will surrender and trust that the answer is near.
In support
megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
The selfishness and self centeredness that accompanies this disease are just incomprehensible. I am keeping your family in my thoughts.
It is natural to be frustrated and angry in the circumstances you are in, just remember to try to live in the way that the program teaches you, doing the best you can to stay upright and within your boundaries yourself one day (one hour, one minute) at a time, and whenever you possibly can, turn the crazy behavior of the others in your life over to your HP for him to manage. Detachment in a situation like yours is not easy-- if you are struggling with turning things over and letting them go, try praying for the willingness to do so, if only to alleviate some of the strain hanging on adds to your already oversized helping you have on your plate.
(((((bumpster))))) u r such a sweetie pie and i just hate to see u go through this crap!!!!
thank goodness u r working ur program, taking care of u/ kids, and u have a PLACE to take this (us--meets, etc)......hang in there, she is typical alkie...they have NO clue as to other's feelings, only their own....and until she SEES her defeat and ACCEPTS it, and gets into recovery, there is nothing u can do but take care of u/ kids and u r doing it.....
u r right!!! u / we don't have to accept inapprpriate behaviour from ANYone.......
i know its hard to detach when it is "in ur face" but u r doing good........vent/ yell/ discharge those emotions to us ok??? i know i speak on behalf of the whole group when i say I CARE!!!!!! hugs / rosie
You doing great!! You are truly an inspiration to me. I understand that it is not up to You to make recovery decisions for your A. She has to want to change. Most of all she has to want to do it for Her Self. Only then, is there hope for her recovery. Take care of yourself and the children, your doing a wonderful job. We are here for you!!!! Your in my prayers. ((bobump)) ((BIGHUG))
Although you dont see or feel it right now,,,you are doing remarkabley well under the circumstances. You are venting here and releasing penned up emotions which is a healthy alternative than keeping it all bottled up inside, waiting to explode. These are difficult times, and it will not be easy forthcoming. Patience and time is all we have, and always remember "This too shall pass". I wish I had the right words for you during these difficult times, but keeping close to alanon friends will help you move forward, whatever path you decide to take. Best Wishes as always,,,gardengal
thanks for offering joint custody, but working trauma I have seen what your family has seen and you need it more. I have strong healthy kids and we will b fine. Thanks for offering, you have a heart of gold!
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Amen to what Diva said! At some point we can't keep saying it's because they are sick. I can't tell you how many times I justified the behavior my A demonstrated because he was Active. Sure his behavior changed when he sobered up, but then others came to the surface. You know what? He realized that he had to grow up! Thank God he did. Otherwise our outcome would be very different. Hang on to that screw!
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I havent been on in a while - I just read your posts! How horrible! I hope you are doing well - if you need anything let me know - you know I dont live too far away.
I like to turn everything around, especially when I'm angry... I'd be like "you draw a picture!" you're right, I can't imagine my mother cutting up xmas pictures, althought oday it did feel like she dis-owned me... but she really lost me to the wind she tried to OD when I was 14. She was mad that I managed to save her, never apologized & never thanked me.
The most selfish ppl, in the world. I simply can't be around it anymore, it is her loss. I'd rather just be alone than deal with being neglected & psychologically abused... as an adult i can say that. You have your kids to think about & you are doing better than you realize. it is hard to be objective with ourselves, to see our own growth sometimes.
So glad you are here & found us when u did, you really are doing a fantastic job!
prayers & love to you, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
What a difficult path much like any of us have with an alcoholic but your wife has alcoholism plus severe depression and suicidal tendencies. So I wish I could hear that your wife was going to groups, getting something out of her psychiatrist and more. I trust that when she gets transferred maybe her dependency on you will lessen and you will have room to focus on your own feelings and be able to work them through. Right now of course you are burdened by the fact that she is in no place to hear you.
I have to say as someone who attempted suicide once I think it might look selfish but I wasn't really. I was in such a state of depression that I felt everyone would be better off without me. I also felt that no one in their right mind would care for me. At the same time since I was so self destructive really the only thing that made me think that it was worth living was other people muttering concern or expressing concern for me because I could not believe I was worth living anymore. I really could not imagine anyone being angry because I was not worth being angry about. I think the thought process for me at least when I was suicidal may have looked selfish to others but it was an act of extreme self hate and not meant as a manipulative one in my case.
And when I first started to recover, the long long journey back from a major depression I was, of course, in absolute denial that I had hurt anyone or was worthy of hurting anyone. I thought everyone would be so so much better without me around. I am sure I was tremendously difficult to be around. I remember one of my husbands counselors shouting at me that I should want to live but I really did not. Years and years later I can say that I thought at the time most of the issues why I tried to commit suicide at the time were based in my relationship. Now I know it was based entirely on my childhood issues that were triggered at the time. I blamed my now exhusband for years and really tried to make him feel guilty and while he was not necessarily the healthiest person in the world my suicidal impulses did not have much to do with him. I am sorry now I did that but I also know he had counselors who helped him and freinds who he vented to probably at length so I know he did not take responsibility for my actions.
Of course I don't know why your wife tried to commit suicide or can even guess but I know my own journey back from suicide has been a very long and involved one and I can still get extremely depressed from time to time. I also know my behavior hurt and bewildered many people around me and alienated them still more. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was to alienate them or upset them but those kind of acts of such self hatred tend to do that. I am very sad about that because very few people can understand and forgive suicidal gestures or suicide attempts. They can destroy relationships and are desperate acts full of the desperation of advanced depression. As you know there are books on depresson that describe how someone feels and acts when they are suicidal and those have helped me a great deal in having compassion and understanding for myself and others who are suicidal.
I hope your wife will get the medication she needs, the treatment she needs and eventually come to see what hurt she caused to you and your children.
Don't beat yourself up for losing it! After all of this, maybe it was time for you to lose it a bit. You can't keep this penned up forever. You have been greatly tested and as far as I can see, you already wrote the book on detaching with love and trying to go ahead with life for you and your children. But, a person can only take so much disappointment and grief coupled with responsibilities before they have a yell. I will yell with you.......aaarrrrgghhhhhhaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!
I don't know if I could possibly help, but my A and I talked one day about his choice to drink (which, he knew well in advance, was the same as a choice to move right out) and he was so remorseful about having to go after the fact. I said, well what on earth would make you choose to drink, then? His answer was insightful. He said "I dont know, I have asked myself the same thing since I did. I don't want this. I want to be with you and the kids and have my life." It told me all that I needed to know, that he is not in control of that decision anymore than he is in control of his heart beating.
I don't think comparing alcoholism to cancer is proper, it seems to me that it is simply mental illness. And it doesn't matter if they drink all day and all night, or once a year, if they know that life is bad when they drink yet they still do it to themselves, with no reasoning behind it, then that is mental illness. Anything you do with no reason, which is harmful to yourself or others, is something you are not in control of.
Could you imagine waking up tomorrow and not being able to stop swinging your arms around? You would eventaully hit someone and hurt them, most likely the people you are closest to, and probably yourself too. If this was happening, a reasonable person would seek help, but the one who denies it is happening and it keeps going on and on and everyone getting hurt, well that is insane.
To call your wife selfish implies that she can help it and just won't. That kind of thinking will do no more than make you angrier at her, and make you 'right', which never does you any good. Maybe easier to forgive and detach with the thought that she is just not mentally balanced, and there is nothing you can do about that?
I hope you can find your way in all of this. I know that if anyone can get those children through this, it is you, Bump. You are their rock, and I can tell that they trust you implicitly. You are right to try and protect them as much as you can, and if you lose it once in a while that is perfectly understandable. You are only one person.
I know in my current relationship and really throughout my life I have felt abandoned. With those abandonment feelings comes a lot of rage and a sense of betrayal. For me there is no question that my mother betrayed me since she really did not have motherly feelings towards me and dumped on me.
This is a recurring theme for me and one I am trying to examine in therapy, in 12 step groups and in every process I can think of. I find it very destructive in some ways and truthful in others. I was abandoned many many times in my life, in relationships, in friendships, at work, in my family relationships and in my marriage.
One way I have learned to deal with this is to lower my expectations. When I am dealing with a person with far far lowered expectations I feel far less abandoned by them when they do not meet those expectations.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Everyone needs to scream and vent once in a while. My husband asked me something similar last weekend about my son finding him and think he was dead. I was honest with him when I said that if he died I hoped he had the decency to do it outside of the home somewhere so we wouldn't live with that memory. If my husband had cancer he would surely seek help and not try to fight it on his own.
I am still praying for you! I ditto what Emmie said and see you have great feedback. After reading your post it hit me how much As like drama and attention. Yes, she is sick but she is good at what she is familiar with too. Maybe some manipulation and me me me. It takes a long time to change. Do what you can to keep up your mental health and strength now. Don't get down on yourself when you feel you slipped or reacted wrong. You are doing the best you can right now with such enormous responsibilities. I was in the psychiatric ward 10 years ago for an extended period of time and my poor spouse was so frustrated with taking care of the kids. I was not thinking clearly or acting normal. I was very sick. Let them work with her and you focus on you and the kids. I wonder if she is calling home way too much also. I was made to go to groups and work on my issues. With that amount of phone calling, there must not be much attention on her group work. If she signed a release or you can talk to the doctor, maybe ask if she can be limited on the phone calls she makes home. Just an idea from my experience. In the meantime my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. cdb (((((((((bump)))))))))
((BIGHUG))