The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi all. well the dreaded day is coming, it will be here sunday........my birthday. i honestly hate my birthday because everything and anything always goes wrong. the past weeks i have had nothing but phone calls asking what i want to do? and friends saying lets go party. which i definatly dont want to do. drinking is not my thing anymore. i actually cant think of anything i want to do. the one thing i decided was a family dinner with my brother,his girlfriend, my mom and my a. its thursday night and my mom already told me she wont be coming to dinner but will stop my tomorrow and give me money. thanks for the thoughtful gift. i know i may be sounding ungreatful but really i just want to spend this day with people who care about me. right now i dont feel very cared about. i dont get it. my whole life my mom has always said she regrets how she was never there when i was growing up but now she still isnt there. i feel like im always put on the backburner in everyone else's life. so what can i do to get off this stupid pity pot? i don't feel like im very worthy of anything when no one shows me that i am. why do i let my worthiness depend on how others treat me and how can i change this? everyone around me just speaks of unfullfilled promises. they never actually act out what they are saying. i am so sick of this and wish i could just drop all these expectations. its hard when you were once given all of these things then all of a sudden these people change and wonder why i'm upset because in the past i was given the best and now nothing. how do you lower expectations from someone when you know they were once fully capable of fullfilling all their promises? in all of this im not just talking of my a, but others that are close to me as well that have no addiction. any esh would be great. thank you all.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Shortly before Christmas, my long-term relationship ended. For the first time in many years I was spending Christmas by myself. I was so sad about the break-up, and sad (as well as hurt, angry, etc. ) about the break-up and about spending Christmas alone. I didn't try to roll over all those feelings or pretend they were'nt there, but I did spend time thinking deeply about what I wanted for myself, what I wanted the holiday to be FOR ME. I set three VERY simple intentions: I wanted to relax, I wanted to enjoy my holiday, and I wanted to feel fully cared for. I made some VERY simple plans for myself that tapped into what I felt would would help me meet these intentions 1) I LUV white lights, so I bought some and decorated my home with them 2) I planned and made myself a very special, simple Christmas meal 3) I went to mid-night mass 4) I created and did a simple ritual to honor this huge transition in my life. 5) I called some close friends and shared my joys and my sadnesses of the season 6) I soaked in the quiet of my apartment and took a wonderful nap. 7) I got a massage, and imagined the hands of the masseuse were the hands of my higher power soothing me during this difficult time.
It's not that I forgot my sadness or my other feelings; I didn't try to just stoically push through all the hardness of this past Christmas (It was important to me that I didn't go to the opposite extreme of "fine I don't need anybody"). But, I found that as I took very, very good care of myself, and honored my feelings, I felt better, stronger, more centered. Sometimes, during the activity itself (like going to midnight mass), I didn't quite feel how I'd hoped I feel (spiritual, connected to people) in that exact moment, but the accumulated taking care of myself really worked magic regardless of how the individual activities went.
What memories do you want to have of your birthday? What simple rituals can you create to celebrate YOU? What gifts can you buy and wrap for yourself that would bring you special pleasure? What can you do for YOU regardless of what other people do? I've done the following types of things for my birthdays: written myself a birthday letter reflecting on the past year, planned a dinner out with good friends at a FANCY restaurant and dressed up, enjoyed the beautiful outdoors. I keep it simple, and set intentions a few days before, and then I let it unfold. When I've done this, I've always been blessed with a wonderful birthday.
I encourage you to plan things for YOU that you will LOVE and will MAKE YOU FEEL GREAT! You deserve a wonderful birthday!
I spent many years on that same pity pot. I learned I had to make things happen. And when I did I was able to enjoy the day. There used to always be those expectations that turned into huge disappointments until I learned to expect nothing and to be happy with the little I got.
Blue cloud had some great ideas of how to spend YOUR day. You're worth it.
As always, BlueCloud tok the words right out of my mouth, and said them so much better! Ther is one person who cares about you who will not let you down for this birthday, and that is YOU. What can you do for yourself that will make you feel cared for?
The emphasis is on this it is YOUR birthday. You create your own happiness from within so you can choose how you want to spend your day. Don't let others control it by pushing you into something you don't want to do. Maybe you just feel like having a night at home with chocolate and videos. Have a lovely day whatever YOU CHOOSE. Luv Leo xx
Well I have had to give up totally having my A involved in my birthday or Christmas even. I have to say that I have those high expectations and then feel tremendously disappointed and then feel incredibly resentful and I can let those resentments totally poison me.
So I have had to set my birthday and other holidays up to be something I had total control over rather than where i wanted anyone to be there for me or give to me or do things for me.
I can allow the A to give to me at other times and ironically enough he does give to me from time to time when I am not pushing it down his throat.
But for me Christmas, birthday and other holidays are so so loaded. His birthday is very loaded for me too because his mother usually totally dominates it. I have had to step back and re-examine them. Otherwise I get caught in a quagmire of resentment, confusion and totally toxic resentment.
I hated the notion of lowering my expectations so I changed them. I put the focus on me and I took the focus off others.
