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I know I'm not perfect and that I have my faults. Another thing I know is that my head is not constantly clouded by alcohol and the things I say, whether good or bad, comes directly from me and not the "alcohol talking", if you know what I mean. Anyway, I am starting to look closely at myself and wonder if I purposely make things worse with my AH. It's almost like I help create the giant blow-up so I can get it over with and hope that things are better.
Okay, with that said, here's what happened. I thought everything was going fine until my AH made one comment about my son using too much soy sauce on his food. Big deal if he uses too much! I told my AH that he should just quit complaining about my son. He didn't respond. Then I went into the kitchen to start the dishes. He was staring at me with bloodshot eyes and I told him to quit staring. Then I cleared my son's plate and I made a comment "I better clear this off because someone is obsessing". I know, I know...it's not mature and I didn't need to even say it. I am so bad at keeping my mouth shut. For most of my life I was shy and wouldn't say much. Now that I'm past that I've gone the other way sometimes.
The arguing started and once again I told him I don't like the way he treats my son or me when he's drinking. I asked him why he cared so much that my son used too much soy sauce. I said I buy most of the food since he's laid off and I've never even asked him to buy soy sauce before. He told me that my son walks all over me and that he doesn't want him to "put a bullet in his head" when he turns sixteen. I told him if he treated us with respect and didn't obsess about stupid things, he wouldn't need to worry about that. We were standing and then I told him that I could see him swaying (meaning he was drunk) and he told me that there I go again and that I'm messed up in the head and that I have too much baggage with me. I told him he knew I had a son and I didn't hide anything. He said I was all messed up because of my dad and I told him I haven't seen or talked to my dad in ten years. I said the only reason my dad has been mentioned again is because he is taking me to court. I said I should be able to talk to my husband about stuff like that without being accused of being messed up. Then he said I never tell him anything. This conversation was going in circles. It was so stupid I couldn't believe it. I told him if he doesn't like my son we don't need to be married.
After things calmed down, then all of sudden he was nice to my son. He was playing with him and making him laugh. It's like we have to have the big fight and then afterwards he is so nice to me and my son. I think I try to get it to the big fight part so I can have the nice stuff afterwards. I think I am treating him with respect and things are going well, until the drinking starts getting bad again, the tension builds, he walks around like he can't stand us and then the big fight. Then the nice stuff again, etc. etc.
Sorry about the long post, but I had to get this out. I didn't even cry last night. I was just too tired and too drained. What should I have done differently? I welcome ideas and advice.
megan is 100% RIGHT.......talk to a drunk??? waste ur time
as far as being "messed up??" sure, we are "dealing with issues" but WE are in recovery, and they are not......end of case!!!! i don't believe there is ANYone on this planet, living here on earth, who does NOT have "issues"....at least we know it and are "showing up for duty" and working through the shit!!!! try not to beat ur self up over a remark about his "obsessing"....but really......its a waste to talk to a drunk!!!!!!!! peace/ rosie
Messed up ? could be . When u live with alcoholism as the book says our thinking becomes distorted and we become unreasonable with out knowing it. I knew it but didn't know how to stop it,nor did I realize that the person i was harming the most was myself. Talking to A is a total waste of your time A - they usually don't remember anything that was said. and B andything they say is booze talk. do yourself a favor and learn to walk away when drinking.
Once settled in our program u will have lots of people to talk to - people who actually listen and hear every word. and can offer solutions from thier own personal experiences. Detaching with love is difficult drinking or not but for me it is the key to finding some sanity in my life again.
The attitude behavior u describe is sooooooo familiar to me , will do anything to gt attention to have them look at you even if it is only to argue , only problem with that is that your son is hearing it too. There is no pleasing an practicing A, everytime we think we did something right they raise the bar a little higher.
Please get to al anon meetings for yourself and your son , there is nothing u can do about HIM
Your house sounds like my house. I know I'd make the fights worse because I challenge on every issue and I shouldn't. I believe I need to learn restraint with my tongue and allow some of the annoying habits to roll off my back. I relate to the actual fighting the big blow up the crying the yelling and then somewhere in there is regaining composure and being able to say I'm sorry and talk it out calmly. Then its the hugs and kisses. The problem for me was the erratic emotions running through me in such a short span of time, I did/do feel crazy when this happens. The tempers flare so quickley there isn't any time to actually feel the real feelings. I get lost in what just happened and once the makeup part happens I feel completely stupid when I think about how that all started.
I find leaving the "a" alone when he's drinking and removing myself from the room or the house makes it easier on me. Many nights I'd say well I'm going to my room for some me time and he'd say o.k. whatever. I'd put my ear plugs in and just zone out and do something I liked.
Take care,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I remember those times of the arguing and seeing those blood shot eyes, and him swaying, and me not being able to keep my mouth shut. I hated it! Absolutely hated it.
The sad thing is for me now, I miss my AH so much and always knew how much he tried hard to stay sober. Now missing him, I wish he were back here and I could do those times over again, and react differently and do things differently. I don't know, i must be crazy thinking that way, but all I know is that I miss my AH now. It will be 3 months on March 11 since I've physically seen him. He is that scared to face me!! What a chicken shit he has become.
Does your AH ever show signs of really wanting to quit? Does he love your son when not drinking?
Keep working the program and keep coming back. Let those things you cant control, can not cure and didnt cause Go ... Let (God) Your HP have em'.
Your a very precious person!!! Give yourself a ((((Big Hug))))) and tell yourself its going to be allright., You're, "I am OK," Because You Are! Remember... " IT Starts With Me." take careYOU.
"I told him if he doesn't like my son we don't need to be married." -Lindy
((((((((((((((Lindy)))))))))))))) Amen to that statement ~ I don't blame u one bit, sounds like u prolly scared him!
All A's do this, talk about petty junk, never want to deal with their problems, blame everything on everyone else. Of course you're dumping the alcohol down his throat, just can't get over how they can't take or own the responsibility of themselves! I know no one ever "forced" alcohol down my throat!
My ex did it to me all the time! I could write a book about the ugly psychological abuse I suffered... everythign was my fault, all of the world's problems, the family problems, work problems, u name it, if a serial killer was being put to death in TX (we were in PA) boy, "there goes YOUR state again!!!" If it rained, it was my fault... u name it I did it!
I ruined his creativity, although when I met him he had 2, I siad it two guitars... when I literally ran away from him on vacation abandonning everything I ever owned & a 17 yr career, he had 28 guitars!
All I ever did was encourage him, we moved 3 times, the last place had a second bedroom so he could record in ~ he never once went in there & the man had recording equipment. I encouraged him to buy every pedal, a base, I even bought him an electric mandolin... but I ruined his creativity!
It is just so absurd it makes me laugh... I'm sure he blames me for all the pills he took & when he gets busted - even though I haven't layed eyes on him in 6 yrs & am over 1200 miles away, that will be my fault too.
I guess I have a lot of power! He said I ruined his family! This coming from a man that encouraged me to kill myself in the bathtub so it wouldn't me too messy for him to clean up! It is so disturbing & ridiculous, it actually makes me laugh now! Just so happy to be away from him & have my soul & life back!!!!!!!
The others are right, it is pointless to talk to anyone who is drunk, I'd just ignore the dumb comments when the A is in that condition... getting ur goat just gives him power & he probably gets off on it! Just a control/power issue... don't let him have that satisfaction or any justifications, God only knows they justify their own behavior on their own! I just used to ignore my husband half of the time, what came out of his mouth was so ludicrious!
Take care of YOU! Love, -Kitty
-- Edited by kitty at 18:05, 2006-03-02
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
LIndy, I have read all these response and they are all good. The "not talking to a drunk" sticks in my mind as some pretty sound advice. I don 't know about what you said about "wanting" to get in a fight just so things can be better. I know that people do do that. I had a diferent thing where I was in danger when he was drunk so I NEVER engaged himwhen he was drunk. lol, I used to make a comfy place for him on the bed as if we were going to go there "Together". He would lay down and I would PRAY for himto pass out. He usually did... Sounds to me like he DOES like your son tho. I don thtink you are messed up in the head at all tho. That smacks of something an A would say to lay the blame on someone else....anything else....
So how are you feeling today? Hope things ae going well for you, Hang in there, Mamasan
As others have said here - no point in talking to a drunk, save your breath. Another thing some people have found useful - when he is ranting at you, just imagine a big "SICK" printed on his forehead. If we believed all the horrible things they said when drunk, we would just have to dig ourselves a hole in the ground and crawl into it.
I hope to get to the point where when the ridiculous words are spoken I can ignore them. The ones that posted in response to your have got what seems to be sound advice.It's just hard when we are confronted with the ugly beasts that consume our loved ones.
I gotta tell you. Not more than five days ago MY A made a remark on how much glass cleaner was used by MY son,how it wasn't replaced...and how the bottle wasn't put back in the original place.Your soy sauce...my glass cleaner See, that reminded me that it seems as if they just NEED to pick on something petty to satisfy some kind of need to control SOMETHING since inside...they really have lost control on the important things. Orrrrr they don't have the capability to grasp what it takes to function in this 'so-called' real world.They DO live in a wonderland where nothing makes sense.
I'm glad you went over the fact that you're not the one thinking in an alcoholic fog.THAT statement alone,if repeated enough, will serve your soul very well.It's very true;something like a necessary mantric sentence. You take care of YOURSELF. Thanks for sharing
I definitely understand what you are talking about! I can't stand the tension either, and find it much quicker to just bring things to a head rather than wait for it to naturally develop.
Adding to that, you also get a big reward for all that arguing! You get the behaviour you like better, which is him being nice. I get the sense that this is what you do to try and lessen the effects of his drinking on you and your son.
It is a merry go round, and I think that over time you may find that the arguments may need to get bigger and longer before you get your result you are looking for (him being nice). I also get the sense from your post that he finds the blowup a relief too, but as soon as he gets the idea that you are in control of the situation this way, he will make it harder, not to mention all this time you are building up resentment at having to have this big disturbance just to get a little peace after.
This isn't an easy one, but you will find your way. Stick to the program, one day at a time, and pay special attention to you, and how you are doing. Make time for you.
I don't get the leap between using the soy sauce to your son putting a bullet in his head. But I have to say being around an A enough I have heard plenty of leaps like that one.
I do know that I have felt totally taken for granted, trod on, used and abused by an A. I also know that there is some part of me that feels like if I try harder he will notice what a wonderful person I am and only when he notices it will I be able to acknowledge it.
I can really focus on the A's actions and the As words and see that as a reflection of me or I can focus on me and work on me because that is about the only thing I have control over. I have no control over him.
I think the things I have no control over often make me really heart sick. My younger sister is an A. She is bringing up her chidren much the same way we were brought up. Her older son is idolized and pronounced a genius (as far as I know he is an average boy) her younger son is labelled as disabled and not given too much. I mean he has clothese, food and interest but she is over invested in her older son and under invested in her younger son. I can do absolutely nothing about this. It brings up a great deal for me about the way I was brought up. I can still do absolutely nothing about it except come to terms with the way I was brought up. If at some point one of her sons comes to me when they are grown up I can validate it but that is about it.
I hate to see people suffer but I was not that much in touch with my own suffering. Other's suffering too far higher priority than my own.
In some ways the way I was treated as a child was that I was blamed for lots of things that had nothing to do with me. I was blamed that my younger sister did not integrate that well in high school. I was not in the same building as her most of the time but somehow it became my fault she was struggling. Obviously that conveys I have some power but I had none. These days I can own that powerlessness and let go of that resentment. I will no longe be put in those kinds of double binds of being asked to do the impossible.
I asked myself to do the impossible most of my life till I came to al-anon now I just try to work on the possible within me.
you cant control, can not cure and didnt cause Go ... Let (God) Your HP have em'. 
take careYOU. 
See, that reminded me that it seems as if they just NEED to pick on something petty to satisfy some kind of need to control SOMETHING since inside...they really have lost control on the important things. Orrrrr they don't have the capability to grasp what it takes to function in this 'so-called' real world.They DO live in a wonderland where nothing makes sense.
