The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A and I have have been married for almost 6 years. We started out as best friends. We always got along and never fought until after we got married. Then, a few things happened to other family members and he started dealing with stress by drinking and hiding it and lying about it.
Now, we have a hard time dealing with anything without fighting. I expect us, as a married couple, to be a team, to make each other stronger, to be each others biggest supporters and to be each others soft place to land. It seems as though we don't have any tolerance for each other nor do we give each other the benefit of the doubt. As he struggles with sobriety am I expecting too much of him? I know sobriety is a constant battle for him and it definitiely makes him grumpy.
Should I just back off and not expect those things from him right now or should I expect him to add this to the things he is working on?
I have experienced some periods of sobriety with my "a" and he was grumpy all the time. He was angry as well because he really wanted a drink. Living life sober meant he had to experience the pain of his feelings and the everyday crap that we go through. He didn't like it, and would usually take a drink as soon as it got too hard. I was told by some Alanon friends that I was expecting too much emotionally from him. My "a" began drinking at the age of 15, and I have read in the Big Book that a person's emotional growth is stunted at the age they began drinking or using. My "a" behave's emotionally like a teenager, he doesn't know how to tell the truth or take responsibility for his actions. Emotionally he won't allow himself to experience what reality is. I don't know if this helps at all. My guess is if you got along before the marriage and the drinking started after marriage, in time he may be able to grow and learn to deal with his emotions. It depends on how comfortable he is with that. I'm being told that I need to meet my own emotional needs and validate my own feelings. My "a" is unable to do this for me most times. This angers me, but I also have high expectations of what I think a relationship should look like. I look to him for my happiness and if he is unable to meet my needs I immediately feel the relationship is a flop. ( Mine probably is, but this does not have to be the case for you). I read the chapter On the "Family" in the AA book frequently to help me understand what's happening to my "a" when he has periods of sobriety. Take care and stay strong.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
if i were back with my alkie, (don't want to be, but if i wre) i would 1---take care of me......2-- CARE about him, but not TAKE care of him.......3---listen to him/ validate his feelings/ detach lovingly from his issues.....4--let him work his program with support/ encouragement/ NON interference.......5-----work MY program and give all the "end result" stuff to my HP.......
he is no doubt dealing with a lot of painful issues....and so compassion, yes, but boundaries, if he is abusive or impinging on YOUR program/recovery
I hope you keep the focus on you. When your spouse isn't feeling lovable either towards himself or you, just remember to love yourself. Take good care of you. Do what feels good for you -- be it talking a walk, exercising, doing crafts, cooking -- whatever.
And keep coming, keep posting.
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I guess it's not really a question of whether or not you expect too much, but what you can (want to ) live with. What if you learned that he was never going to get any better than he is, right now. Would you be willing to live like that? Could you find joy in life, knowing that you will always need to get at least some of your support and companionship from other places than your marriage - from alanon, from your church, from family, from friends...
The reality is, marriage to an A, even a sober A who takes recovery seriously, is not a storybook romance. They struggle with their disease all their lives - if not so much with the urge to drink, then with the temptation to fall back into old unhealthy habits of thinking and feeling. If the flawed love that this person can give you is enough, for you, then with the help of alanon, you can have a good life. Not the life you imagine, maybe, but a good one.
If your heart cries out for more than that, if you really need true companionship, you might be looking for bread at that hardware store. Not that what you want is too much, but it may be more than he will ever be able to give. Only you know what is a deal breaker for you - only you know what you can and cannot live with. Accept that he may never get better than he is, right now.
The best info I can give you from my personal experience is to stay out of specific expectation and live in acceptance of the reality of your situation as much as possible. Expectations of any kind often lead to resentments, and it will be more constructive by far for you to focus on the things you can control than on anything you "expect" him to do or how you "expect" him to conduct himself. His sobriety or lack of it, and his demeanor are not among those. Leave those to him and to his HP, and as another member already suggested, keep your focus on you.
This message board is a great resource to harvest the experience, strength and hope of other people who may have shared experiences and perspectives that will be helpful for you as you navigate the sometimes tricky course of your own recovery and the sobriety of someone you love. Use it, and use the objective counsel of your sponsor or others close to you in the program before making any major changes in your life.
If you have never read the chapters "To Wives" and "The Family Afterwards" in the Big Book of AA, you might try that... before there was any Al-Anon literature, this is what our program was based on and it does have some extremely helpful insights into what we can do that will be most helpful, what we can expect of our alcoholic loved ones, and what behavior is normal for individuals struggling to keep their sobriety. The Family Afterwards gives a realistic view of what happens when sobriety takes hold, and addresses the fact that it does not always solve all the problems.
