The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I got the kids out to school, got the house clean, only took a half hour. either I am real fast or it wasn't really dirty. Frig. Got some errands to do this morning before work.
I'm trying hard to think about me and what I gotta do, but it is all just distracting myself from the telephone and the hole in my heart. I feel like I am stuck.
Am I just too imaptient with myself? My sister told me once that I seem to have endless patience for everyone else, for my druggie husband - eight years worth...for my alkie boyfriend - six years worth. But I can hardly give myself a week or a month to get better. Why is this? And how long does it take? I want to be OK with just me. I am sick of being lonely. I feel like I am just hobbling around draggin a broken heart. I am so tired with these wistful thoughts and sadness. I want to feel better NOW.
Sometimes I think I am no better than my ex husband or my ex boyfriend with difficulty with bad feelings. How can I cope? I coud really use some es&h . . . please.
I too have struggled with that very thing this week. Went to f2f on Monday but didn't bring it up. I want to be better now. I don't want to wait. Just like everything else, I try to get things done in a hurry. Good at my job because of it. Wish I could do the same with myself. I figure, I read posts everyday, do my daily's, been to two f2f, I should be doing better right? That's when I reach to my HP and pray for patience. He will make me well in His time, not mine. Patience is not one of my strong suits, but I'm trying. Keep the faith, this too shall pass.
We all have bad day, and yes even bad weeks. It takes time, I can't tell you how much, but it does take time.
If you are lonely, get yourslef around people, find something fun to do that you can enjoy. Start doing nice things for yourself. Start setting goals for you, not someone else.
What do you want out of today. Paste a smile on your face (pretend if you have to), remind yourself how important you are and do something just becasue it feels good.
Of course we want instant gratification. This program does work miracles, but it is a process. It took a lifetime to get where you are, it will take time to unlearn those behaviors and thoughts.
Step 1 :We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanagable.
That step I thought was easy when I heard it. It is not. If I believed I am powerless..why did I continue to try to control? I too used to ask mine if he drank, how much etc. It is a way of controlling. If you make them admit what they have done will they drink less? NOPE!! They will either lie or sugar coat it or deny it completely. When you find out he has drank, then what?
Try saying the Serenity Prayer instead of badgering him about what he is doing or not doing. Allowing them the dignity of their own pain and and their own consequences is the one thing you can do to help. It is not up to us to make it more painful or bring it to their attention. Each alcoholic has his own HP that will do what is best in the timeline that is appropriate. What you can do is do your best to stop obsessing. What worked for me was to replace that behavior with Alanon tools (like the Serenity Prayer), recalling the 3C's and going to f2f meetings. I'd sometimes have to play games with myself...Just this once, I'm going to have a conversation with A that was completely Alanon based. I will count to 5 before I open my mouth and replace what WAS going to come out with what SHOULD come out. I understood these things were my job, it was not because A was making me me nuts. It was because I chose to make myself nuts by continuing my old behavior. The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. I almost had to laugh when I heard that one. Someone had me in mind when they wrote it..lol Step 1 caused me to reaccess my motives. Yes, my life was unmanagable. Why? Because "I" made it that way. I had choices I didn't know I had. A choice to do my best to replace those old behaviors with anything but....and begin to heal.
Take care..
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
