The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
But not all our communication is determined by what we do or do not say. It also depends how we say it. Not only our choice of words, but also our attitudes, facial expressions, and tone of voice can either open a channel or slam a door, reguadless of the subject being discussed. All people, from the cashier at the drug store to our children , deserve our courtesy. Any message can be conveyed with courtesy, even one of outrage. If we trust people well when we speak what is in our minds and hearts, they are much more likely to hear what we have to say.
This takes courage. It is much easier to let our words convey compliance while our tone of voice expresses contempt. This is a way of communicating anger without taking responsibility for it. Instead, we have the option to say exactly how we feel with as much respect as we can muster. We are apt to get better results this way, but even if we dont, we will know we have behaved with integrity. As we become the kind of people we can admire, we learn to appreciate ways to express our thoughts and feelings.
Many of us have formed patters of communication that linger even though they may have outlived their usefullness. For example,,,, before recovery many of us kept quiet or agreed to unreasonable requests to avoid conflict, At the time we lacked the ability to take a stand or act on our own behalf. Today, we might perpetuate that behaviour out of habit evn though we have other alternatives.
Let us use the alanon slogan...."Let it begin with me", focus on ourselves, choose behaviour we feel is appropriate, and let go of the results, our communication is bound to improve!
"It is much easier to let our words convey compliance while our tone of voice expresses contempt. This is a way of communicating anger without taking responsibility for it. Instead, we have the option to say exactly how we feel with as much respect as we can muster."
YIKES, that was me! I'll never forget having to face that my "tone" was condesending. I thought I was "controling" my anger. Speaking what I wanted to say without exploding. Holding in my anger and not allowing myself to feel what I really felt. I was saying what I meant, and I wasn't saying it mean, but I was talking DOWN to my A. Like a child. I really thought I was doing well not raging with anger, that it was better -- it wasn't. I am allowed to feel what I feel, and I can even say how I feel. I've learned to listen to myself as I speak and it really made a difference.
It is not impossible to make this change, the biggest part is accepting that there is something that we need to change. I remember thinking "I'm not condesending, I don't talk to him like a child!" But when I shared this with another al-anoner, who was patient and kind, she gently got me to open my mind to the possiblity that I was. That allowed me to look at it for a while and accept it. Then I could make a change. It has been a wonderful change I'm thankful for the awareness.
