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Hi all, Grateful, so grateful to be able to come here where others will understand the depth of pain all this causes.
My A to me, is just skin over an evil demon. When ever I do see him, he does not smell good or look good at all anymore. I am very humbled by what Jesus did for us. When I hear the A use Jesus name in vain it makes me cringe. when he uses profanity it makes me feel so awful.
It is like there is no good left, none whatsoever. He is rotting flesh. I heard this beautiful guitar music on the radio tonight when I was driving home from my gma's. I thought how A used to play like that and better. He was such a wonderful guitarist. I thought about how he sold all his guitars to buy dope. I got one out of hock and gave it to my son. I also thought about how my A will not ever pick up a guitar again. How he won't go back ever to the man I fell in love with. He may get sober in jail, he may not survive until he goes.
He is using and drinking and doing every drug he can get his hands on.
I am dealing with my gma who will be 106 in April. She does not want to live at all anymore. It is so hard to watch her dieing. But yet it is a very tender, magical time with her We are closer than we have ever been.
I felt weird today and called her out of nowhere. She sounded awful. I rushed to see her. She was not feeling well and was in pain. She never complains.
So I got them to give her some liquid morphine and she did lots better. But she is going and may go fast now.
I get a call and it is A. He pretends to care for a half second,then asks if I have twenty dollars for him. I am basically shocked. He really has not asked for money before much at all. But the last couple days he has. I had to tell him no three times.
He knew I was with gma. He says well can you help me out, again, I said I gotta go and hung up. It was like some stranger, some demon was on the other end of the phone. He has not called me in weeks, but the two times he does, he asks for something.
I am doing a day at a time for sure. Want to drop everything and help my gma. Things are difficult. Just life stuff.
Being disabled is hard sometimes. It makes the lifestuff harder I think. I have a digestive order disease and bone disease. Sometimes I just want to not move. I am doing my best to drive back and forth to gma, doing my best to care for my farm alone. Doing my best when I have stupid squatters in my rental yet again and I am out about 3 mo. rent and am struggling to make my house payment.
Sometimes i want to just throw up my life. I have so much I love though. My animals keep me laughing.I go check on my pig luster who sleeps in my laundry room and he is all covered up like I have pulled his blankie over him.
When I come home and there is this mop hopping down the hall all excited blows me away this is the same little lhasa Apso who was so scared she ran from me and cowered in a corner.
I am mixed up right now. thank you for reading this.
It certainly sounds like you are grieving for much lately. I am glad to hear that you still have a little light in your life every day that keeps you going. Try to concentrate on those dear animals, they are your HP's way of reaching out to you, of letting you know you are to be loved and you are good.
I hope your gma feels better, and finds peace in her days. You being there must be a little light in her life as well.
As for your A, well, it sounds like he needs a few breaks and a lot of prayers, and deserves the least of your attention now. His HP will care for him plenty. Take care of you first. We need good people like you in the world.
I am so sorry that things are not going well for you. If there were magic words, I would say them and make it all go away. But, take comfort in the fact that you are seeing to your aged grandmother with love and concern. You and she will both be rewarded for your kindness. And your love for God's creatures, who so very much need our help, is an additional blessing that you will receive as you have given.
With great caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Debilyn: I am so sorry to hear how difficult it is for you right now. I hope the cold and the rain is not too bad where you are and hope that spring will soon be here for you. I do know well the demanding and entitlement of the A as I live with one. He would take my last dime and then say he deserved it. Recently he has been playing his normal games around the bills I can see how he needs to live in chaos. I can also see how it absolutely drains me. I have been working over time on not reacting. That for me is better than the constant turmoil of over reacting and feeling absolutely spent emotionally. Quite frankly I am so much into my own process and my own issues it is getting easier and easier to detach from him. My own process of course of grief, of anger of sorting out what happened to me as a child is hard. At the same time I know that if I do not work on my childhood issues I will just choose another A.
I know when I have loss in my life that it brings up all the other losses I have had. I hope that you are making space for that loss Debilyn because the A's imminent court date seems very very symbollic to me. I have had my own symbols in this relationship the A's sickness being one of them. His family did nothing for him then and I have had to work really overtime over letting go of that. I have raged and angered and been upset and now it is time to let that anger go and shut that door. I have no need to speak to them anymore they have proved to me that they do not have any intention of ever helping me or him out. So I know if something else happens to the a I would be left entirely alone to deal with it because I already have over and over and over again. There is no support among the people who he calls friends. The people whose opinion he craves, company he courts and who he is paranoid about displeasing. I know also that the way he lives another disaster is iminent and could occur at any time. I have had 6 years of one disaster after another with him and I know I cannot do that for ever into the future.
I know I also feel very very sick when I am asked for money by people who really know I have none. I am sorry you also have to deal with that.
I have read many of your posts and in my opinion you are a tower of strength. Use that strength now for yourself in these troubling times, and remember this too shall pass...........................take care of yourself first and foremost,,,,,gardengal
Hang in there girl! You're doing an awesome job caring for your gma. You're lucky to have eachother for so many years. As you know I work in assisted living center. Yesterday a man passed away. Two weeks ago his wife past away. Today they're daughter came in to take care of some things. She stopped at the desk and talked about their passing. She has so much faith that God was watching over her and was with her folks every step of the way. She made ME feel better just hearing her strength/hope/faith. Just know you're not alone.
Hope your Grandma is not suffering too much and your days together are full of sweet memories that you both will cherish. Big hugs for what you are enduring at the moment watching the man you love disintegrate before your eyes. Find serenity Deb. Accept that your unconditional love was not enough but you did your best and there is nothing you can do but find a little peace yourself. Ask Hp to take care of him now. Time for the caregiver to have a break. Luv Leo xx
