detach with talks of seperation? - Al-Anon Family Group

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

detach with talks of seperation?

rosie light shines · ~*Service Worker*~

" But as her husband, I feel very responsable for her heart and her soul. If changing my behavior (even if she doesn't like it) helps her turn the corner I want to do that for both of us. In the long run, I have to be sane to even make good decissions and I am going to make sure I can do that.

___rosie____ i used to think this way too....and it drove me NUTS....the ONLY heart/soul i am responsible for is mine and that is a full time job.....i know how u feel, u think cuz u r married it is so.....it isn't.....married/ single or whtever we are all on our OWN journeys, and noone can control another human being...it just isn't possible...............peace/ rosie

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

"If changing my behavior (even if she doesn't like it) helps her turn the corner I want to do that for both of us. "

First off I'd like to say I think I have the male version of your A I've read your post and find them hauntingly familiar. What bothers me about your post is the above quote. I posted somewhere recently that I had a good person tell me early on that I couldn't work this program to get my A sober. So that is what I'd like to share with you. I worked my program, hard. I worked it for an outcome. I was willing to change myself and I saw that it was good. If I changed, he would. Well, I'm here to tell you this program will not get your A sober, nor will the changes you make. Only your A can get herself sober.

This program states that "changed attitudes CAN aid in recover." No guarantees. What it does tell you and I know this as truth, is that you can "find serentity whether your alcoholic is still drinking or not." What a great reason to keep working this program.

My A was miserable, gave the classic excuses to leave like: We will hate each other if I stay, we are so different now yada yada yada. Finally he got me to say, then just go. He left thinking he'd leave all his woes behind, feel better, and have relief. Well, I think maybe he did for a couple of months. But it came back and now I'm hoping that sometime (who knows when) he'll stop blaming his misery on outside sources and look within. All I know is that he can't blame me anymore and it has been a relief to stop try to keep someone happy that is just miserable. It was an impossible job. A job that about destroyed me and one that I'm still trying to recover from. This disease is awful. I'm in contact with my A often and we have 2 children together. It is not an easy road. Don't make any decisions until you are ready. If she makes the decision, that is something you can't control. Ask your HP for guidance, for the patience not make a hurried decision. I'll be praying for you.

Jeannie · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

You are not responsible for her heart and soul. She is, but that doesn't mean she can't hold your heart, nor you hers. I don't mean to sound confusing. Detaching does not mean to stop loving someone. In fact it can mean loving them more. It is hard!

It just means not accepting responsibilities for their actions, or making the consequenses go away. it is easy to try and fix everything. It hurts like hell to see the ones we love fall on their faces, but if we want them to break through their denial and see their problem, we have no other choice.

You cannot make her see her drinking as a problem. You can only let her know it is a problem for you. She has to come to the realization that it is a problem on her own. Only then will she acknowledge it and seek help.

From the time we are children, we have people telling us things, but we learn the strongest lessons from natural consequenses. The same holds true for an alcoholic. If we pick up after them and make their liffe easier out of love. We are making it impossible for them to see what they are, and making it easier for the disease to take a stronger hold. The most loving thing we can do is to let them fall, and fall hard. Then be theri to love them, while they pick up the pieces.

Love jeannie

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for the feedback. I am trying to settle my interpretations of all this literature. I am learning not to live my life based on "what if". I am learning that I can't make her think or feel anything she doesn't want any more. - That has been a tough one.

The toughest however is the understanding of enabling. I am probably the king of enablers and that is a tremendous issue for me.

My whole reason for being at work is to take the things other developers can't figure out and figure out something that will work. I am a programmer and "programmers can do anything". LOL

In other words I just simply don't believe that there is anything I can't fix. But this isn't logical, and there are no rules. I can't try something and based on the outcome figure out what my next step is. Everything is random and nothing fits together anymore. It was driving me completely insane.

I am so grateful for this organization and you all here. I am starting to clear my head, but this is going to be tough for me.

Thank you for all your support, you will never know how much I appreciate it.

Becky1 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think I'm having the same problem u are having with your A, except mine is my husband. I would turn myself inside out if it would save him, but it will not. He has to do it himself. I was taught about Alanon years ago, but didn't work the program right, or much at all, so I did not improve. I, too, wish I had more alanon under my belt before now, but I can START NOW. Thank God it is here. Keep coming back. Mine talks about separation, too, but don't think he really wants it, just as I don't. We are both sick, me with codependency, and love, him with alcohol. I need to get well. He needs to get well. The problem is, he doesn't realize it yet. Keep coming back, and good luck.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.