The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today, while driving back from baseball practice (indoors) son shared a story his father had told him, a song had him recall a memory.
There was some silence, he turned the radio back up. I said you know you can talk about dad anytime. He said -No mom, I really don't want to. That just came to mind is all... Then he said -The last straw for me was dad not calling me for my birthday (in December) Went on to add that he really never felt love from his father (not the first time he has said this). He said I know mom you think he does (love him) - he always felt his dad did not truly love him. That his father really never was a dad at all, what did he ever teach him ? He then said it's okay because everyday he does not hear from him --- he is more "Detached" He ended by saying -Today he was in no mood to hear anything about his father -at all, not even the word dad, that was all he wanted to think and say on the subject. (I try to tell him something/anything positive about this point in a conversation)
Thing is -- Detached? From a 16 yr old? Thank You alateen!
Sometimes we are unfortunate and we don't have a good parent. Maybe it takes a while to understand that lessons aren't always delivered through words. Sometimes a parent will teach a child by example. And, even if that example is a poor example, the child can learn to be a better person because of it.
I am reminded of my friend J. Her parents were alcoholic and abusive to each other and to her. She grew up determined not to be like either one of her parents. And she isn't anything like them. She is a wonderful mother who is raising her children in a loving environment.
So, maybe your son's dad has taught some things after all.
I hope, too, that he will eventually learn not to feel hurt because his father was unable to show him the kind of attention he needed.
Ditto I agree. Son said IF he ever got divorced he would nvr be this way to his children. Also I should add, I grew up w/o positive parenting as a child, and swore i would give my child what I never received. Thank you ~
I just wanted you to know that I have four sons from my first marriage to an alcoholic. We divorced in 1996. My current husband/A and I tried in the beginning of our marriage to help the boys have a relationship with their father. We pushed, we prodded, we wished, we prayed......because they are the coolest boys and they should know their father. We worked hard on not talking bad about him, coaxing the boys along. Then there came a time when none of them wanted to see him. He in turn told the boys it was my fault, that the divorce was my idea (it was, I was tired of his drinking and knocking me and the boys around, not to mention his cheating) He told them I drained him financially with support, that if they wanted anything to do with him, they had to be the one's to call him and arrange visits. Someone told me years ago, be patient the boys will learn with time who has been there 24/7. At times it's been rough, he is a very sick man, his addictions and now is in the progressed stages of HIV. I have watched my boys show sorrow and grief over not having a relationship with them. I have watched them get angry with him and his broken promises. He was sending Christmas cards and birthday cards but when my 2nd oldest was home in January on leave and didn't spend the night at his father's house, his father has disowned all four boys again. I can't fix him; I can't fix his relationship with his children. It is painful to watch. I try to remind myself that "I" can be there for my children. That "I" can talk and listen to them. That "I" am where they come for comfort. That "I" am the one they share their lives with. And that "I" am the one they hug and love unconditionally like I love them. Hang in there. Take it one day at a time.
I guess at this point my ex the A is just a touchy subject, it's wearing me down and I am feeling very overwhelmed .. Trying to use every tool in the program.
