I Wonder When People say my experiences don't define me....? - Al-Anon Family Group

LinSC · Senior Member

I Wonder When People say my experiences don't define me....?

ladybugnessa · Senior Member

While I think that our EXPERIENCE helps make us who we become I do not think it defines us.

I am not the BAD CHOICE making, wife of an abusive alcoholic. I am not defined by my choices. I am not a bad person. IF folks choose to judge me based on the choices I make and the experiences I have had, that's on them.

"oh she must LIKE to be beaten up that's why she's with him" ummm... NO....

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Good line of questioning LinSC. My life experiences are learning tools, or lessons, for myself and others. But they don't create a definition of me outside of the experience. If I wreck my car, is my car wrecked or did it turn me into a wreck? At one time in life I was so enmeshed that I would have no choice but to join my car's condition. Wrecked.

Today as a result of this program, I don't have to join the condition of my car after such an experience. Thus it does not get to define me. I can allow the feelings it creates to flow through, turn the page and get on with the rest of life. It was merely an experience, it was not a global event that rocked the foundation of the universe. So I don't believe it is the experiences or events in life that define a person, but how they respond, or in most case "react" to it that defines them. However, even then it is only marginally. If it can be changed, it has not been defined.

My life is made up of 10% of what happens in it, and 90% of how I respond to it. Am I letting myself be defined without my consent? No, I get to participate in how my external and internal makeup will respond to experiences and events, and am no longer at the mercy of haphazardness. I get to participate, be a part of, be included. I am no longer walking through life like a zombie, completely disconnected from myself and the world in which I live, and a victim of circumstances, as a innocent by stander.

I get to define myself on a different front or level than before. I wrecked my car, but I do not need to become my car. It is wrecked, not me.

I can change, I can change all the external, environmental things in my life, and I can change the internal make up of my beliefs and values. They do not define me outside the power I give them to keep me the same. When I can no longer change, they are defined, and thus, that part of me is defined. Until then, they are only experiences, and events.

John

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe we choose the experiences we have (often without any awareness that we are doing so) specifically because we want to learn, grow and change (or not) by having them. So I think we define our experiences- good or bad.. and use them to shape ourselves. My experiences don't define me, they are tools I use to build me. But they certainly have an impact, that's why I choose them

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not sure I chose my experiences, not all of them at least, but I can choose whether or not to overcome them. As a child I was dunked way to many times and as a result I entered adulthood hating water on my face. Showers were hard and only by working to overcome the hatred/aversion, letting water hit my face did I get to a place where I could not only shower and enjoy it, but able to enjoy being in a body of water for fun. I was a childhood bed-wetter and I certainly am not one now (though age is creeping up... ). It didn't define me but it does have lasting effects on me - my siblings were allowed to use it to taunt and hurt me and I am very protective of every little kids right to not be teased or shamed and empathetic towards those children on the outside of the crowd because I know what its like to hold yourself out for fear of being found out. And, I am not sure I would change my past, not be a bed-wetter, because I gained a lot of depth as a person by understanding myself, my siblings and even my parents because of it.

I can echo John, what defines me is how I respond to life's challenges. I chopped part of my middle finger off and rather than feeling sorry for myself, I make jokes about asking if people can read shorthand; I delved into the therapy and work that would help restore the hand as best as possible and I carry on because what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I am better now having been through the insanity of alcoholism, I wouldn't choose the experience for anyone because of how devastating it was, but I am stronger for it, wiser.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe my experiences have taught me, my lessons in life.
They do not define me as a person. I am capable of growing
And changing.

I have walked a lot paths, coming from dysfunction And abuse.
But i am a survivor and i was willing to Help myself overcome
my family of origin issues. Some people can not or will not do
That they stay stuck in their family disease of dysfunction.

I have been on the road to emotional recovery for 30 + years.
My therapist helped me detach from my mother. It has been
a long Bumpy journey.

Self forgiveness is a big part of growing and moving on in life.
You learn from it and let it go. Alanon is really helping me with
My deeper issues with the help of God holding my hand loving
Me as i had forgotten how to love and honor myself.

Hopefully one day guilt and shame will be a thing of the past.

Mike B · Senior Member

Great post! For me, I believe my experiences(past) have meaning and shaped who I am today. But my past don't define who I am today. A definition is constant, as folks in recovery we are constantly changing.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Great question and great answers. I think my experiences have shaped me and my own definition of myself is changing constantly really, especially as mike says, we in recovery, its kind of our goal to keep up the growth. I hope im always willing to change. It was the fixed version of myself that caused trouble in my life, its much better being able to discard useless outdated ideas and thoughts.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

My experiences and Al-Anon have definitely given me the tools to be a more efficient advocate for my own serenity! When the strife starts I just excuse myself and nip it in the bud. When the conflict brews I weigh the importance and put the situation in perspective. Life isn't perfect, but have a clearer sense of where I am in this world and what my purpose is.

Flower49 · Senior Member

I tend to agree with you on this somewhat. Experiences we have in life do help define who we are at that minute in time, who we may become in the future. I think we choose, involve or help ourselves along in what experiences we experience, but I also believe that God, who directs our journey no matter how much we think we do helps us along in experiences as well in order to send us messages and help us overcome many things in our life.

So let's say we like to plant a garden every spring....does that experience define us then as a gardener or a farmer, or quite possibly we love the experience of attending a musical, does that experience make us a cultured theater go-er....experiences I believe do shape us in a way but don't necessarily always define us.

ntd2001 · Veteran Member

I've found my experiences to be learning tools. And it seems some of the learning that I get from them is how I will make the choice of how I define myself because of them.

I do find that many people 'outside' seem to think that you are your choices, which in my perception makes my choices the Higher Power and not the one that I choose to call God. So for me, I reject the notion that my choices define who I am. But I do notice I have to stay conscious and not fall into automatic thinking. I'm glad the Alanon tools help course correct me, because I probably would left to my own devices. Thanks for sharing.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.